I'm desperate to downsize, but is now the time?

[Heavyboom]

I have a large family home, with a large garden and I'm finding maintaining it overwhelming now I'm on my own. DH died 3 years ago.

Currently I share it with 2 young adult sons, who are very good at "helping" but the responsibility is mine and I don't like it.

The oldest is about to move into rented accomodation with GF. I have some concerns, not particularly about her, but they both spend money like water and things will have to change a lot if they're to make a success of this.

DS2 is a big introvert, who has struggled more than ever since his dad died. We don't know what the future holds, but there's no sign of him going anywhere for a while yet.

Anyway, the perfect place for me and DS2 has come up, but if I go for it, there's nowhere for DS1 to come "home" to, if needed. He's 23, didn't go to uni, has a decent working class type job on a salary probably equivalent to a newish graduate, but less opportunity for fast progression.

WWYD?

Nix the partners!

It's a one off development.

Ah. Can you hold off making a decision for a bit?

If you feel you’d be happy there, go for it. As you’ve said, your parents are nearby so if he split up with his gf and wanted to move out, there’s a bedroom there.

your ds2 might be a quiet one, but it’s unlikely he’ll still be living with you at 30.

one thought if it’s still in construction, would they put in an amendment to the planning application to have a loft room? A loft conversion cost us £50k (including adding a bathroom up there, new stair carpets, painting it all etc), but if the house is still being built, it shouldn’t add too much to the price. Ideally you wouldn’t have it as a bedroom, a “hobby room” - that you just let dc1 sleep in if he does have to come “home”.

I am sorry you feel sad.
Maybe a nice new place to fill with happy new memories would be best for you and your sons.

Sorry for your loss

I would stay clear of flats, because usually you have to pay the freeholder & communal maintenance charges each year, which can increase & increase.

This.
Get it done OP!!

I think you should move. Your present home isn't making you happy. Your sons are now adult. It's time for you to put yourself first.

Are you thinking of buying a property that's being built right now? If so is there scope for changes to be made now eg heat pump, different windows, etc?

Do it. You deserve to be happy. Just think, if a friend you cared about expressed all this, what would you tell her? Be your own best friend. You've thought it all through sensibly. Your 23 yo wants to stand on his own two feet, so let him, he sounds capable enough for his age. As you say, you've thought through the contingency plans for both their futures & presumably he knows he can ask for advice if he needs it. Please don't sacrifice your happiness due to ifs & buts over an adult child. He'll be happier in himself if you show you trust him to fly the nest, and he'll respect you more for putting yourself first. You've earned it.

I think you should go for it.

I left home at 18. My mother died unexpectedly 6 months later. A couple of years after that, my own circumstances changed and although my dad invited me to move back I chose not to. (I had a very happy childhood btw - leaving home was about wanting independence and my own space.) My dad died a few years after that so the choice was no longer there anyway. While I'd give anything to have my parents back, I never entertained returning home once I'd left. To me that would have felt like I'd failed as an independent adult, even though I know they'd have both welcomed me with open arms. It's not about set up, it's about knowing you'd be welcome if you needed it.

I'm always really surprised by the number of boomeranging children. Sometimes it's a really good choice because of someone's mental state, financially there being no other option, dependent children in the mix, finishing university (where living away isn't the same thing as leaving home), etc. But for others it's failure to launch properly and moving back just further delays development of those life skills. A young man of 23, with a decent job and no dependents may find living independently a lot harder than he thought, but he shouldn't need to come home with his tail between his legs. You never get rid of grief (believe me I know, having lost nearly my entire family) but unless your son has had a particularly hard time or other MH problems, three years down the line I'd expect this not to be a major factor in how well he copes.

A two-bed place where he has to share a floor or sleep on a sofa bed will be fine as long as he knows his mum loves him and will always be happy to have him back if he needs her.

I'm sorry for your loss. 💐

This is so true.
Leasehold cause worry about increases in services charges and ground rent, plus length of leases and costs to extend.
Also be aware of service charges on new build estate freehold s too.

So, after sleeping on it, I still feel quite excited. My Dad (who came to be nosy) is determined it's too small while I have a DS at home.

I think the space works quite well if I give DS2 the larger bedroom. The main living accomodation is pretty generous. However, the 2nd bedroom isn't large. I could do fitted wardrobes down one wall and push my double bed in the corner, which would be "OK".

As all property purchases require some compromise, is that reasonable, or will I find it a step too far?

I'm thinking if I board the loft for storage and we had a proper loft ladder for access, that could solve some of the issues?

We have a solution for DS1, which he seems excited about.

The other alternative is there's a 3 bed bungalow just come on the market, just down the road. It looks like an inherited place done up for sale. The space probably works better, but it's nowhere near as "nice" and I suspect done on the cheap, wood efect floor, laminate work tops etc, not at all what I'd choose if I was doing it myself, but the whole point is I don't want to do it myself.

You've had such a tough ride that I think you should do what feels right now for you and your DC. You will muddle through! Maybe pare down your wardrobes. I have recently done this myself. With WFH one doesn;t need as much.

I know, I feel like a good de clutter and a capsule wardrobe/lifestyle would be cleansing, if that doesn't sound too corny.

I have a capsule wardrobe now, as I have very little space, after DC moved back in. The thing I did not anticipate was that all of us would be WFH. DD deliberately picked a job where she had an office to go to, but then nobody comes into the office!

I would agree with your Dad tbh. I think with one son still at home a 2 bed is probably too small. The living area that will come with that two bed is likely to be also be small (possibly mostly open plan?) and so you'll be on top of one another downstairs. And then if you decide "FFS need a bit of time to myself", you'll go upstairs to your much smaller bedroom with your bed shoved in one corner to stare at some wardrobes. My MIL still has BIL as a frequent visitor (and we're 35!) and I know he gets on her tits sometimes, but she has plenty of nice spaces to escape him.

I definitely agree that you're right to decide now is the time to move on, but wait for the right house. That's the position my MIL is in right now, she's hanging on for a 3 bed bungalow in their village. If you hold out and get one of these hens teeth 3 bed then you could still let him have the biggest room, plus use the smallest as your walk in wardrobe, and create a lovely space for yourself in your own bedroom. Then as time goes on you have space for an office, guest room, hobbies, whatever you fancy.

Some friends of mine have just upsized in their 50s with 3 DCs in their 20s (they had a small 4 bed end terrace before, extended from 3 bed with a room over the garage). They managed all the way through their DCs growing up but since uni 2 of the 3 have been boomeranging back, bringing car loads of stuff, boyfriends, cars, WFH. With only one bathroom and two small receptions they found it all too much. Now obviously they could have chosen to say no to their DCs and all their stuff/partners but the rental market is really hard now and its very common amongst DCs of my friends to either move back in with parents to save for a deposit (yours might not have to, admittedly) or to have to buy a doer-upper and then move back in with parents a few years down the line while extensions are being built etc.

I think if your current home is overwhelming you and everything needs doing and I can imagine that might be just too much after losing your DH, it would be best to sell and move. I do still think you need a room for your ds who is coming out. My nephew moved out then back to his Mum and Dad twice before finally moving put. My sister said thank goodness they never sold and downsized until he was settled. Could you either buy a 3 bedroom house or bungalow or wait another year or 18 months to see how your DS gets on living with the gf? If you have a lot of stuff you'd probably spend up to a year decluttering and boxing things up anyway. During that time you could ask your DS's to help with painting a room or 2 and help with the garden. You could get a few jobs done on to the house too. You'd get a better price for it.

The one thing I did right was pick a house with 2.5 bathrooms. As we all take a lot of showers. ( gym goers).

I downsized for all of your reasons when my DC left home at 18 and 19.

I bought a little house with two tiny, one big bedrooms. I also wanted to have a room each for my DC just in case. I had to move a fair way from where we lived to find the right place.

That was 6yrs ago. I've not heard, spoken to or seen youngest DC for 4yrs. But eldest DC visits with DIL and I visit them.

@OldTinHat that sounds very difficult. 😞

Haven’t read the full thread, so this may have been said. But be aware that a lot of lofts in new builds aren’t built to board and put storage in. A lot can only take 50kg, which is a lot less than the weight of the boards.

The key words I take from that are "friends" and "they". Everything is so much easier when there are two of you, even though I would have said I did most of the life admin and household management before, it's a whole other game when you're really on your own with it.

I really don't think you should have the second-best bedroom, OP. That isn't fair at all.

@Heavyboom

I'm currently thinking along the same lines as you, downsizing. My husband died 4 years ago. I have grown up kids but one off them, is like a boomerang, every so often comes back, he lives overseas, and stays with me for several months. So I need two bedrooms.

It's the thought of getting rid of stuff that's daunting. And the memories but I'm struggling to keep on top of the garden and general house maintenance.

I say go for it, keep one room for your boys and get a sofa bed, just in case.

It's because DS's room is effectively his living space, with his gaming and hobby set ups, and I'll have the main Iiving space to myself most of the time.