I'm desperate to downsize, but is now the time?

[Heavyboom]

I have a large family home, with a large garden and I'm finding maintaining it overwhelming now I'm on my own. DH died 3 years ago.

Currently I share it with 2 young adult sons, who are very good at "helping" but the responsibility is mine and I don't like it.

The oldest is about to move into rented accomodation with GF. I have some concerns, not particularly about her, but they both spend money like water and things will have to change a lot if they're to make a success of this.

DS2 is a big introvert, who has struggled more than ever since his dad died. We don't know what the future holds, but there's no sign of him going anywhere for a while yet.

Anyway, the perfect place for me and DS2 has come up, but if I go for it, there's nowhere for DS1 to come "home" to, if needed. He's 23, didn't go to uni, has a decent working class type job on a salary probably equivalent to a newish graduate, but less opportunity for fast progression.

WWYD?

i'm surprised by some of the responses. It sounds as though you 23yr old DS has successfully launched their life... It feels odd to me that you would need to keep a space for them 'just in case'. A sofa-bed or bunking with their brother for christmas/breaks/emergencies sounds really good.

Good luck with the move (and downsizing your stuff after a bereavement xx)

Reading your update, I see it's emotionally very difficult for you to stay where you are. I don't think it would be unreasonable to move. I just want to caution that DC these days stay at home much longer than they used to, thanks to the housing crisis.

Ok, so if you’re excited about it, the house is perfect, the boys are both excited about it etc, why is it the ‘wrong time’?

I don't know if it is, but because of the risk that DS1 might need to come home.

You can't live your life worrying about whether your adult child might need to live with you, and you can't run your whole life based on that potential circumstance. Especially as you feel so stressed and unhappy in that house. I have two adult kids, one lives in a house share. I intend to downsize in the next couple of years. If he had to come home he would squeeze in somehow!

I think you are overreacting, you just want it done and move on (and I completely understand why you feel like this after your loss) but just stay calm and change to a house that can accommodate all of you.

Don’t make a big mistake now because you feel stressed.

Get a house with 3 bedrooms.

Maintenance will be only slightly more than 2 bedrooms and if you buy a new house, you will have to do very little.
There is a middle ground.

All the very best.

If ds1 needs to come home he can kip on the sofa or on the floor in his brothers room. No point keeping yourself miserable on what ifs

I would definitely move and downsize, I hope that it will help you all. I wonder if your sons will feel relieved that you have made the move, they may be worrying about you without voicing it.
As you have already said you can buy a good sofabed and you could also get a portable screen. Just say if you need to come home you are always welcome and we will make it work.
All of the energy you will no longer have to use to maintain your old house can also be shifted to other activities.
I hope the move goes smoothly.

But when people have pointed that out you’ve said that it’s not a problem because you’ve got money set aside to help him with housing and that he can sleep on the sofa…

No, I'm absolutely recognising it's a problem, but looking at way we might be able to overcome it.

Lots of weird responses here!

You absolutely need to move. You can't live your life based on the what-ifs of a 23 year old man.

Get moving, and let him choose his own sofa bed, that can bunk up in his brother's room if necessary.

It's not harsh to look after yourself. You're not telling him he can never visit ever again, ffs at some of these responses.

It's Wednesday. Get on to the estate agent this morning and send us a link so we can ooh and ahh.

Go for it! I understand your position completely. I find my house totally overwhelming too. Big houses come with a big cost - constant maintenance and loads of cleaning and gardening. Ive still got a partner and both of us are kept busy looking after our house so I don't know how you're managing, especially not with elderly parents thrown into the mix as well. It's also depressing to look around a house and realise that it needs updating. Who wants to live in what's starting to look like an 'old lady house'? Life's too short. You need to make things easier for yourself.

Honestly, detached 3 bed houses don't exisit round here. I've been looking for years (even before DH died).

Here, there either large executive/family homes, ex council terraces, or bungalows on large plots. I know it's hard to picture, but that is the case.

I want to downsize, but I don't want to downgrade, if that makes sense.

You’re talking as though it’s a random ‘23 year old man’ that she has no emotional connection to. It’s her son, who she presumably loves very much, and he’s just lost his father. In those circumstances, I’d want my son to know he had somewhere stable to come back to if needed. Not sure what’s so ‘weird’ about that. The OP asked for opinions.

They definitely know I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all, but it worries me that that's why they're being positive about it, saying what they think I want to hear.

OP is not saying he can't ever come home.

You may be over thinking this, understandable, but your boys will just want you to be happy.

If you're ready, and the current home feels too painful for you, just do it! As a PP said, it'll likely take a while for everything to go through anyway.

And defo start decluttering now. Just take it one room at a time. Three boxes - rubbish, donate, keep.

Maybe you could have a box for keepsakes that you can take from room to room. There'll be things that are no longer useful but still have sentimental value. Having it all in one place will help you monitor how much you're keeping, and stop you derailing the decluttering. (Former hoarder speaking!)

You sound like you're still pretty young and you have more life ahead of you. Get the house sorted now and deal with your son as and when it's needed.

There's more to life than living in a house that eats up your free time (cleaning, gardening, maintenance) especially one where you're unhappy. It will be cathartic to let it go, declutter and start afresh. You'll make it work if your son wants to return home and that will likely only be a temporary arrangement. Lots of parents make it work when adult children and grandchildren return to the nest.

Go for it, I hope you find peace and happiness in your new home. Maybe contact the estate agent for the house you like and explain your situation, they might find a solution for you.

I downsized to a house that was much more easily maintained.

It's made a big difference to my life.

If there are two big bedrooms then if ds1 needs to come back he can share with his brother.

I hear the feelings that ds1 should have a "home" (and my kids have a timeshare bedroom in my house) but if he needs to come "home" he can share with his brother.

When ds2 moves out you then have your bedroom and a guest bedroom.

This. You have to do it. You don't buy a property to provide alternative accomodation for others 'just in case'. He's not a baby.

Absolutely do it. I've just downsized as I could cope with or afford my big old house. It's life changing.

Would you consider an apartment?

There are some really beautiful fancy ones here, and a lot of people in their 50’s are moving into them. They are very posh but no outdoor maintenance. Would that be an option?