I'm desperate to downsize, but is now the time?

[Heavyboom]

I have a large family home, with a large garden and I'm finding maintaining it overwhelming now I'm on my own. DH died 3 years ago.

Currently I share it with 2 young adult sons, who are very good at "helping" but the responsibility is mine and I don't like it.

The oldest is about to move into rented accomodation with GF. I have some concerns, not particularly about her, but they both spend money like water and things will have to change a lot if they're to make a success of this.

DS2 is a big introvert, who has struggled more than ever since his dad died. We don't know what the future holds, but there's no sign of him going anywhere for a while yet.

Anyway, the perfect place for me and DS2 has come up, but if I go for it, there's nowhere for DS1 to come "home" to, if needed. He's 23, didn't go to uni, has a decent working class type job on a salary probably equivalent to a newish graduate, but less opportunity for fast progression.

WWYD?

I think you should do it. Talk it through with them and let them help you choose the new place. It sounds like your DS1 is mature enough to cope with this emotionally and if May help re-set DS2 after their Dad died. I think it will help you all move on to the next phase of your life positively. There must be an awful lot of memories in the current house

I think some of you who are surprised at adults living with their parents should read the Parents with Adult Children forum where DC are living with parents well into their late twenties, boomerangs back and forth. I am not in favour of this at all, mind. I couldnt wait to move out myself.But we are in London and there appears to be no other option other thsn intergenerational living.

I presume the OP is not and given her situation, her sons will have to make do.

• Boomeranging.

@Heavyboom

yeah don't give up having a garden if you move. No amount of communal space or parks nearby etc make up for it.

It's not the end of the world if they are telling you what you want to hear a bit.

Uni does "slow the launch" so 23 and established in a career can be significantly "older" than, eg, 23 and just finished a Master's. It sounds like the time is right to me.

My only question really is is there any prospect of DS2 needing a WFH space at some point in the future, and would there be a solution for that? You should not base all your planning round what ifs, but I know that being based in just one room was a significant MH challenge to some of our graduates when WFH became necessary, and a lot of them went home to parents for more elbow room.

Is this the bungalow with the detached bungalow you weee considering converting into a studio for DS1?

I'm surprised at all the people saying keep a room for older son - I must be hopelessly out of date but once a child has moved out and is settled elsewhere, then having a place for them to sleep if they move out would be temporary, surely?

I say go for it. I would never have expected my mum to keep my room open when I moved out - even when I moved out for uni I told my mum to do what she wanted with my room and I'd camp out in the box room!

You deserve to be happy and enjoy your home, you're not just a soft landing for if older son's relationship fails. I'm sorry you lost your husband so young.

@CutthroatDruTheViolent I think you are a bit out of date, yes. Though it seems to depend on where in the country you are.

Other posters on MN have been told " You should always keep a bed for your children" so glad more measured views on this thread!

I plan to give him the larger bedroom so he can set up his extensive PC equipment, which he currently has in the home office.

I'll have to work from the kitchen table or garden, but that's OK, I don't do it much and often choose to work in the kitchen or garden, rather than the box room that is my office anyway.

Moving to a much smaller space will definitely take some getting used to, but is still attractive.

Is the garden big enough that you could put a summerhouse in if needed? That could be older ds's space if he needed to come back

I think a lot of these replies are mad! It’s no wonder a lot of young men have mental health problems, it’s almost disrespectful how little competence and agency some people would credit them with!

OP is thinking amazingly! She’s:

1. thinking of declutterring and moving to a suitable home while she is still capable of making decisions and carrying them out. Look at the boards about elderly parents and how quickly it becomes physically, emotionally, practically harder for them to move!
2. she has raised a son with a solid job, a gf, who has launched himself, no student debt. Congratulations OP!
3. she is making provision for the other son
4. she is freeing money to be able to help them buy if and when they want to.
5. older DS will likely be 24 when this all goes through in any case.
6. she is freeing up a much needed family home in an era of massive housing shortage.
7. she is enabling herself to move on and liberate herself for the next stage of her life, without her sons having to say ‘I worry about mum in that big old house’ ‘has she really moved on?’ ‘Does she have the money and energy to keep it up?’ It’s pretty traumatic to see your precious family home fall into disrepair bit by bit because a beloved parent missed the downsizing window.
8. in this climate, let me say it again, freeing up a bit of money to help them establish themselves in their twenties is the greatest gift you can give them bar love and health and those kind of things.

OP I think you sound thoughtful and fab and in ten or twenty years time your sons will be so grateful to you.

Go for it! DH was a bit older (27) when his mum died. We lived with his dad for 7 months and then his dad downsized and we got our own place. If we stay with FIL now, we sleep on the sofa bed or in BIL's room if he's not around. You have to do what works for you and put yourself first sometimes.

Aww bless you. The move won't free up money though, by the time I've paid costs, I'll do well to break even, such is the supply/demand situation for these kinds of places here. I have some other money that was always planned to help them.

No, I don't think so and TBH the money would be better spent finding him somewhere else.

Personally I won't be downsizing until they're all settled owner-occupiers, purely because the housing market is so bonkers. I expect boomeranging until that time. I'm surprised anyone thinks that's weird.

It should hopefully save lots of ongoing running and maintainance costs though.

I lived in London in house shares with other professionals for over thirteen years before I got married and we both bought a tiny flat. Shared bathrooms and kitchens weren’t always delightful. I know the housing market is really hard right now but it also seems that a lot of young adults are skipping the crummy house share period? Or is that unfair?

He can still come home, it will just be a tight squeeze - some very weird responses on here - him being able to come home if he needs to, and have his own bed (a sofabed) is fulfilling any additional emotional support a young adult might have after losing a parent, I really don't understand what the problem is here. If he needs his own space, he'll move back out again. If he came back and was unsettled by not having his own room then that's something they can deal with as a family, but this is OPs actual happiness rather than her sons hypothetical unhappiness in a situation that hasn't even actually occurred...

What are you doing on MN? Go and phone the estate agent NOW 😀

And thank you for this thread. You, and others, have expressed exactly how I am feeling.

It's my daughter who has the box room in my place! So not just young men.It's not entirely a problem of DC not growing up. It's also the housing crisis.

I have been told it is cruel of me to bar her from moving any boyfriends in! My friend has 4 sobs and 2 have moved back in with their girlfriends. Luckily she is minted and has a huge house.

I lived in London in house shares with other professionals for over thirteen years before I got married and we both bought a tiny flat. Shared bathrooms and kitchens weren’t always delightful. I know the housing market is really hard right now but it also seems that a lot of young adults are skipping the crummy house share period? Or is that unfair?

House share is fine, but there's noticeably a lot more churn in rentals now than when I was in them in the 90s. I hope they won't have to wait until mid 30s to buy, because the prices are still going up. But the amount I can help with deposits is also finite, so I'm happy to help by them moving back in to save hard too.

Brilliant post from @Lastminuteisinit ! Agree entirely. OP - there’s never a perfect house at the perfect time but this sounds like the start of a new phase of life for all of you. Good luck!

Sounds like the you really need this, OP, and if your DSs are on board, perhaps it will also be a relief for them too.

I think the fact that you've had open conversations about moving and what would happen if it didn't work with his GF, the fact there'll always be a place for him to kip down, plus he knows you'd help him out if needed is perfect.

He's 23, he's old enough to strike out on his own and, frankly, he'll probably get a lot of this move by having his mum happier and more available emotionally and stress-wise.

Good luck with the next chapter!

Aargh sorry so many typos in my post it made no sense. I meant to say " It is NOT entirely a problem of DC not growing up".

@LiterallyOnFire my DC have no problems with house shares. But there have been issues with that too in London, where landlords have become rapacious and difficult. Needs a whole thread.

I think what you are planning is a good idea. A big family home with a garden can be great for a number of years but then it starts to get more difficult when physically the garding is getting harder. Then things need replacing not repair. After a certain number of years rooms need painting, beds need replacing and the same with furniture and couches.

A big family home then has more running and maintenance costs as well.

If your planning to move I would look for a house near shops and public transport. Get a house with a downstairs bathroom and wet room or get a house that this work can be done on. Get this work done as soon as you move in as well.

I know a lady who is now in her late 70's and she moved into a townhouse in the city in her early 60's. She said it was the best thing she did after seeing friends now in big houses that are not great as their needs change. She has shops, public transport, doctors and hospital close by if she needs them.
Good luck with the house hunting and new home.