I'm desperate to downsize, but is now the time?

[Heavyboom]

I have a large family home, with a large garden and I'm finding maintaining it overwhelming now I'm on my own. DH died 3 years ago.

Currently I share it with 2 young adult sons, who are very good at "helping" but the responsibility is mine and I don't like it.

The oldest is about to move into rented accomodation with GF. I have some concerns, not particularly about her, but they both spend money like water and things will have to change a lot if they're to make a success of this.

DS2 is a big introvert, who has struggled more than ever since his dad died. We don't know what the future holds, but there's no sign of him going anywhere for a while yet.

Anyway, the perfect place for me and DS2 has come up, but if I go for it, there's nowhere for DS1 to come "home" to, if needed. He's 23, didn't go to uni, has a decent working class type job on a salary probably equivalent to a newish graduate, but less opportunity for fast progression.

WWYD?

Assuming you will have grandchildren in the future a 2bed won’t fit them and their parents in when they visit.

Also - just read that you're worried your sons are saying what you want to hear. They probably are just as worried about you as you are about them. It sounds like they love you, and just want a happy mum, even if that means moving house.

Personally I’d look for a 3 bed, rather than 2 bed. This gives space for DS1 to return to if things go pear shaped and also gives space in the future for both DSs to visit with partners or for grandchildren to stay. You can always use one as a hobbies/sewing room if you are that way inclined.

@Heavyboom You sound like such a caring mother to your sons. The downsize property you are looking at sounds ideal. There is no way your older son will not be without a roof over his head if he needs it. Even if it’s just a sofa bed in the new place or his grandparents home. You even have money set aside for your sons. You could probably even afford to put your older son up in a hotel for a short time if absolutely necessary. It’s time to put your needs first OP. Some people on MN don’t understand the that certain types of property are not available in some areas. I feel your pain with regard to upkeep and maintenance of a large house and garden. We are renovating a smaller property and hopefully then selling our larger house and moving into it. Good luck OP.

I would also put 2 beds into your son’s bedroom. I’d insist on that.

Im just saying this as a child who felt pushed out. All the best x

No they want you to be happy and healthy
I was just existing in my old house. No motivation and overwhelmed

An apartment feels like a step too far. I used to really love the garden, a tiny one that I can make really beautiful is exciting to me.

Also, I don't think I'd find a 3 bed apartment?

That's exactly how I feel. Overwhelmed by the house and no motivation for anyhting.

I really have talked to DS1 about how we'd definitely make it work if he needed to come back.

I would do it. 23 is more than old enough to look after himself. At some point you need to look after yourself too. Don't struggle whilst your house falls apart if you can't cope with it.

From what you've said I would do it. You need to put yourself first. It's not as though he won't at least have a bed if needed in your new home.

I feel, as a parent, there comes a time when I need to put myself first and I think you've reached that point. Your children are now adults, I'm sure they understand it from your perspective.

Now actually sounds a good time, he is moving in with his GF. You can't live our life on what might happen. Good luck.

Definitely go for it. You don’t need permission. It doesn’t help your sons if you are miserable op.

Your sons have got their lives and own homes and partners ahead of them. You only have one life and it is now.

Your ds1 will have to learn the hard way that spending money like water is not a good idea. And fine if he needs to come home for a couple of months at some point and sleep on the sofa or down the road with his gps but ultimately I am not in favour of these “extended adolescences” that young men in particular seem to be having by returning to their family home if they can be avoided.

There’s nothing wrong with them being at home per se, but it’s about what they are NOT doing when their interaction with the world is buffered by a parent : confronting the reality of finances, managing a budget, having to cook and clean and manage communication with a landlord and deal with a blocked loo. All of those vital life skills get put on ice! The sooner they get cracking the better imho!

Slightly off topic but… when do women ever get a break? We parent for two decades, then our adult children live at home for a while, then as soon as they move out and get married and have dc, we are required for childcare duties, often while looking after elderly parents.

Op you have been through hell and grief doesn’t stop after three years. Put yourself in the best position emotionally and practically to negotiate life going forward. Your sons will benefit if you are in a better place and having a smaller home will allow you to focus on your sons, your family and friends and most importantly, yourself 💐

Ah@Redlarge you will be my inspiration when our renovation is getting on top of me. I hope to feel as you do when I finally move. I can totally understand the just existing in a house as I have felt the same about our current house for years now.

The GC thing is an interesting question, as mother to boys.

I can already see, GF's family have a much greater pull than I do. This was the case with previous GFs too. With his first serious GF, I was in danger of becoming the MIL from hell with my jealously, although I've got that under control now. Them "needing" to spend more time with DIL's (should she ever exisit) family feels like it might almost protect me from the rejection of it all, iyswim.

I did discuss this with DS too and his response was GF's nan has a tiny house and she always does Christmas 🙂

Totally agree with you @Applecidervinegar641 .

Of course you should move. Once adult sons move out they don’t necessarily want to move back. They like the independence and as for worrying about future grandchildren they may never exist and if they do the family may want more space and stay close by instead. Your sons may in fact be happier not to feel responsible for you however much they love you and the move means they won’t have to worry about you struggling in a big place you don’t need without one of them there to help

Sofa bed? Do it, you're excited about it & that speaks volumes, I had a 3/4 bed at huge expense to accommodate adult children & it was empty most of time as they are creating their own lives which is how it should be. x

Yes, I hope this is how they feel. I've said from when we knew DH was dying, I don't ever want them to feel responsible for me.

I do feel that getting rid of the house will make me more "there" for them. and my parents, who were absolutely amazing when DH was ill and after his death, which had a big impact on them too. It's shocking how much they've declined in the last 2 years.

It's not even the time I spend working on the house, it's the way it overwhelms me so I'm no good for anything.

@Heavyboom

I'm sorry about your DH. It is hard on your own.

how old are you?

I think your boys are young (especially under the circumstances) to lose the family home & security that brings. They might not appreciate that until after it happens.

can they help you to make a concerted effort to get all the renovations done to make it somewhere you can love for this phase of your life. What regular things can your boys take on? Could the eldest commit to mowing the lawn & helping with the garden say one day a month when he's moved out? Can the youngest commit to xyz housework weekly.

lots of the things that need doing will need doing even if you move.

The moment you said you were excited for the first time in ages I'd say go for it. As long as your son knows he's not being pushed out and home will always be home for him. We're looking to downsize and every time I see a house I like it sells quickly. Maybe get yours ready and on the market, even if this 2 bed house sells it seems you're ready to move on from your present home. Good look in your new chapter of life, I'm also excited for our next one x

It's awful. I hated being there. What is it they say.... a change is as good as a rest.

I downsized from a three bed house with a massive garden which I cant cope with anymore because of back problems.
I moved to a smaller three bed house with a coutyard garden which is perfect. No mowing but I can still have the plants I love.
The house is more manageable too.
DS has his own home now so the 2nd bedroom is my craft and sewing room and the 3rd bedroom is a home office.

my gosh, some of the replies on here surprise me, 23 is adult and he’s moving out anyway!

downsizing sounds perfect and the property sounds lovely! Go for it!!

Exactly this. Once the older son moves out he won't want to live at home again . If he has to move back he will want to move out again asap . When I left home I knew I could not go home and live with my parents for long and it would only be temporary.