New low for me , ghosted by my therapist

[HowMuchShouldBePaid]

Ive had a short course of therapy (12 sessions) 2nd time ive seen this particular therapist.

On our last session he said he didn't have any more room to see me and was fully booked untill next year. Offered links to other local therapists.

I have emailed twice 2 Weeks ago, 4 weeks ago) asking if he would reserve space for next year. No response.

I emailed from another account and got a response within 12,hours . Offering a trail session etc etc

I was going to therapy due to low self esteem and my "voice not being heard". ,seems even my therapist can ignore my voice 😔

Why ghost me , that just seems really unprofessional.

FFS I'm going to need therapy for my therapy !!

But then he replied to the fake email offering a trial, so he was making excuses not to keep OP as a client. Pretty sure therapists are allowed to discuss with clients if they think they’re not a good match or refer them to someone else with valid reason.

This sense of starting from scratch, back at the bottom of the mountain indicates (by any logic) that you've gained nothing of note/benefit from these 24 sessions. It's not in a self employed therapist's interests to admit they've taken 24 payments for little/no progress.

I don't think its wise to approach therapy as a lifestyle choice. Therapy should be goal driven, it's not just paying someone to listen. If you feel unsupported in life, there are other ways of connecting with people.

No, she said in the first sentence of her post that she had seen this therapist for 12 sessions, two years in a row. She had a therapist prior to this who had retired.

He seems unprofessional to me.

There's literally no point in this OP. People on here do not get therapy or attachment issues or understand how it works. You see it over and over, people thinking attachment to your therapist is a bad thing. It isn't. It's the whole fucking point.

You're supposed to attach to them, you're supposed to form a solid long term relationship with them, you can't do the work without it.

24 sessions a year apart is fuck all for attachment work. Might work for a bit of CBT work for anxiety which is what some on here class as 'mental health.' ACTUAL therapy takes longer and is much more dependant on the relationship. The whole point is in learning to attach, to trust that they will be there.

God I took 2 years to even get to a point where I could START working on the trauma. I didn't trust him, thought he would get fed up and drop me if he found out just how fucked up my head was. He didn't. This brings me to my next point.

It is absolutely normal to test your therapist. I tested the hell out of mine. I pushed him away, lashed out at him (verbally), accused him of not caring, baited him into more arguments than I can even count. (Downside of long term therapy, you learn how to push each others buttons) Occasionally I still catch myself testing him. Unfortunately yours failed. That hurts. Of course you feel confused and upset.

I do wonder if your therapist discovered a conflict of interest in treating you and obviously couldn't tell you due to confidentiality. Or possibly he just isn't a skilled enough therapist to work with transference and attachment. If that's the case he should have told you straight. But if he's not well educated or experienced enough to work with you like this then it's hardly surprising that he screwed up the ending.

You will find someone else who is more suited to working with you. Its important to find a therapist who clicks with and gets you.

My current therapist is the third I've worked with. The first wasn't experienced enough in a similar way to what's happened with yours. Second was just not a good fit. It was third time lucky. He didn't have years of experience or impressive qualifications but he learnt from his mistakes and went out of his way to educate himself further when he felt out of his depth. Grew with me in a sense.

Find someone like that who you can have a proper fight with, be completely unreasonable and know for sure they're still going to be there next week. This one isn't quite up to snuff. You will find one who is, don't be afraid to test a few out. No point wasting your time and money flogging a dead horse.

As far as we know they didn't. All we know is that they aren't a priority for the service. Considering its not even August it is reasonable to assume that they might not be taking bookings for next year. Other services do this if they are trying to grow their practice i.e. focus on building up a client base.

Nothing that the OP reported sounds out of the ordinary.

Unless the client is Martha from Baby Reindeer..

It's true though! Look up ''Transference''.

Clients CAN become really dependent on therapists.

A good one will know the signs.

It's a common phenomenon.

No. I got curious and looked up the BACP literature, as OP says the therapist is a member. It says that when therapists decide on termination, they owe clients a satisfactory ending as well as a referral. This therapist completely failed on the first count and may or may not have been a bit casual on the second

This is a good point. It is setting an unachievable standard due to the subjectivity of satifsaction.

The therapist did not terminate the relationship. They acknowledged that they could not meet the needs of the client at that time (for reasons known only unto themselves), and then provided them alternative options.

It is possible that this is a soft exit for the therapist, but it does meet the professional standards. The actions of the OP- specifically regarding going to the trouble of making a fake account are concerning- and if she is found out she will removed from the list.

What list?

List of patients for that clinican. Every health practice from GPs to Surgeons have one.

I am assuming the OP is seeing a private clinican. If this is with an NHS provider then her whole story makes a lot more sense.

I don’t think emailing two weeks apart if you haven’t had a response is unreasonable. Emailing from a fake account is slightly odd but it proved he was lying. He should be able to explain tactfully to you why the therapeutic relationship isn’t working. Basically that he can’t help you any more. I would make his supervising authority aware of the situation. Let them handle if if you have grounds for complaint

If it’s an NHS clinician she’d only be offered 12 appts.

If they’re private it’s odd that 12 would be mentioned.

If it’s private it won’t make any difference if she’s removed from the “list” as he won’t see her again anyway.

Hi OP
I think your therapist lying to you like that was awful and would really make you feel rejected and unwanted even from someone who you were paying.

I completely understand why this has been far more devastating to you that him simply telling you that he had reached the end of his abilities to be able to help you further but could recommend a more qualified therapist who could do more indepth work on the topic.

I tried therapy once but it made me feel so vunerable having to tell a stranger all my stuff when I didn't know anything about him back.

I am guessing the therapist did not do this maliciously but rather to try and avoid what he perceived might be a difficult conversation. I agree with you though - this was horribly unprofessional and will make it more difficult for you to trust the next therapist. I think if he had explained why he could not continue it would have given you a chance to ask some questions and get some kind of 'finish' or closure or tidy ending.

You are right - we have to trust these therapists and so to be lied to means how are you supposed to trust them if they can't be honest.

A guy once broke up with me giving me what was obviously a fake reason. I laughed and said for god sake if you're going to break up with me just be honest about the reason no way is it because of xxxxx.
He went to great pains to tell me he wouldn't be dating and thus not to worry because I wouldn't see him on any dating sites.
The next day feeling down I had a browse of a dating site and there he was. A brand new profile with photos from our time together but me cut out.

I was far more shocked because he had told me he wouldn't be on the dating sites. If he hadn't said this then I would have thought yes he will be out dating again now as that is what men do when breakups occur.

I was far more upset and shocked that he went out of his way to tell me not to worry because I wouldn't see him on the sites, than I was about the fact he was actually on the site if that makes sense.
Surely he would realise I would see him there if I looked myself to date again so why tell a lie that I would so easily find out.
I concluded the answer was to make the breakup easier for him (ie say all the right things to avoid a upset/showdown) but knowing fine well he was going to do just that once he was away from me and I couldn't react in his presence.

So I agree with you - the telling of the lie is far more upsetting that the actual event of not being able to help you further.

On the bright side this is a therapist who is clearly not very good at handling difficult conversations and so how would he be able to help you anyway. Try and be glad that you have found out how unprofessional and untrustworthy he is and that you didn't waste anymore time with him.
I am trying to put a positive spin on for you because I know if this had happened to me I would be very distressed.

So sorry. I guess therapists are human too and don't always handle things as well as they should but for those of us who had cruel, invalidating childhoods this type of behaviour only reinforces that the world is a cruel, scary place and that people can't be trusted.

I do disagree. What if for example the reason is that the OP wants to talk about a topic in her sessions that is triggering the therapists own life trauma. Is the therapist obliged to disclose this deeply personal thing and burden the therapist with their own trauma? ‘I can’t work with you anymore because since you started talking about your sexual abuse it has reawaken my own trauma history since I was sexually abused and I’m feeling anxious after every session with you, which I can’t overcome in my own therapy.’ That would be deeply unprofessional. And therapists do have trauma they can’t just be immune to all topics. In those cases a fib is what would be recommended.

Burden the patient*

Which is exactly what he did. 'In our last session he said he didn't have any more room to see me'.

In most cases a therapist might be honest about the reasons why they can't see someone again but there may be reasons why they can't be. In which case he probably was advised by his supervisor to let the OP down gently because of her rejection sensitivity.

For instance, if he felt that they had negative transference then I don't think she would take that well but ultimately it could be better to terminate the therapy now rather than a year down the line when the OP could be even more attached. Maybe he has several people with demanding presentations and feels that it would be better to end the therapy now rather than get burnt out. He does not owe the OP that explanation about his personal mental health. Nor does he have to tell her if he has been bereaved or has an illness that means he is better working short-term with less high-risk clients.

If he has another client who knows the OP then it would be unethical to tell her this information and he would have no choice but to use another explanation.

All those people repeating the falsehood that he ghosted her are not helping the OP at all. He didn't. He said he couldn't see her at the current time.

Her best bet is not to report him to the BACP or write negative reviews about him. Her best bet is to unpack her negative feelings about this with another therapist. Her rage towards this therapist is highly likely to be transference with past relationships and out of proportion to this current situation. It could be highly valuable for her to focus on working through these feelings with a different therapist, which could help her heal from those past painful feelings rather than be stuck in thwarted rage which is what a lot of unhelpful replies are suggesting the OP does. If the OP has rejection sensitivity then she would also be best to seek out someone who specialises in that or working with neurodiversity.

Exactly this.

Find a new therapist OP. He doesn't want to work with you and shouldn't have to if he doesn't want to.

That would be ridiculous, and convoluted.

Something like: 'sometimes as therapists we find ourselves presented with scenarios with our clients that can trigger our own traumas. Unfortunately, I feel this is what is I am experiencing here and as such I feel you would be better served by a different therapist who can be more objective.

Then:.. I want you to know it absolutely NOT your fault, just something that occasionally happens. Here is a list of suitably qualified therapists...I do regret having to interrupt our sessions and can understand that this is difficult for you. But you've made great progress and it's important that you continue so, do not be put off. If you do wish to complain here is a leaflet outlining how to proceed etc etc.

Transparency.

In which case he probably was advised by his supervisor to let the OP down gently because of her rejection sensitivity.

The shit therapist probably couldn’t be bothered to talk about it with his supervisor. Also, a decent supervisor (read: ethical) would advise their supervisee to let the client down in a sensitive and respectful way. @Pelham678 the BACP ethical framework is what therapists and supervisors should here to, if they’re members. They don’t get a choice about it. It is never OK to lie to a client, ever. I hope you’re not a therapist.

@HowMuchShouldBePaid if you reframed it a bit so that the therapist was no longer professionally obligated primarily, above all else, to be truthful to you, specifically truthful ie, about his own life, would that hurt less? I am not a therapist but I did benefit from therapy and I think the therapist's actual job is to guide your thinking, get rid of your limiting beliefs, help you sit with the pain, and emerge from that... I never went to therapy thinking that the therapist owed me TRUTH. I might have thought they owed it to me that I made PROGRESS, although I| might have thought that that was more of a vending machine transaction than it obviously turns out to be! I might have thought aht I could pay somebody to make me better and not realised how big a part of that I had to be. That i was just being steered.

If you reframed it to consider it more like well, he was boundaried with regard to revealing his exact schedule to you, rather than the no context ''he lied to me'' which is hurtful.

A lot of us don't know what we'll be doing next month but to turn down business or an evening out for whatever reason is probably less overwhelming rather than a lie.

I learnt boundaries from other people who implemented them with me. I never felt i was asking too much or asking something personal or for too much commitment into the future at the time

good luck!

i think the transparency is that you're offered a block of 12.

I personally needed time to reflect after blocks of therapy.

Really unprofessional. If he feels unable to support you he needed to address it in the counselling room. Part of therapy is having a honest transparent relationship, if the therapist can't be honest then they are not a good therapist.

I'd look elsewhere for someone who can help you.