Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Autistic women assemble! #4

408 replies

RainbowZebraWarrior · 18/07/2024 20:35

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊

Any autistic women newly finding the thread are very welcome to join us (even if awaiting diagnosis) but we'd be grateful if others could leave us alone please…

Previous threads:

Thread 3:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4979068-autistic-women-assemble-3?reply=136877684

Thread 2:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4865805-autistic-women-assemble-2

Thread 1:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4777843-autistic-women-assemble

Page 40 | Autistic women assemble! #3 | Mumsnet

This is a thread for autistic women to connect, chat, vent, laugh, share and seek advice and solidarity (small talk and word mincing not required). 😊...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4979068-autistic-women-assemble-3?reply=136877684

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
notsureyetcertain · 01/05/2025 05:53

Thank you for the new thread.

inkymoose · 01/05/2025 15:49

WearyAuldWumman · 26/04/2025 13:48

I'm also in Scotland. I got a diagnosis of OCD nearly 30 yrs ago.

A couple of years ago, a HCP told me that that she thought I had ASD and ADHD based on my behaviours. No, she wasn't a psychologist - but she and and her children are neurodivergent.

A cousin's son got a formal diagnosis of Asperger's [sic] and ADHD 20 yrs ago. Another cousin's two grandsons were recently diagnosed at uni - went in to formalise a diagnosis of dyslexia; came out with a diagnosis of dyslexia and ADHD.

It's all on my mum's side of the family. Mum was "shy". One of her uncles used to have to leave the house when visitors came...he bought a field and built a "hut" with a working fireplace and took refuge there with his Shetland pony.

I did mention it all to my GP, but she just smiled and said "What's normal?" I'm much older than you - 65 - so I guess it's not worth pursuing a diagnosis at my age...but my goodness, reading about executive disfunction and masking has been an eyeopener.

I suspect that you would need to pay privately, @OneFineDay13 . I've only heard of school children being properly diagnosed here. (I used to be a secondary school PTC.)

Your uncle's hut sounds like the perfect refuge. And going there with his Shetland pony ... even better. As long as the pony doesn't drop piles of dung everywhere indoors.

I am even older than you, @WearyAuldWumman. I am going to be 70 in a couple of weeks. I got my diagnosis in 2022, when I was 67. It's quite possible to view it as being far too late to do any good, but I am grateful that I went ahead with it and got the second assessment. I believe it has helped me to understand and accept aspects of myself which I found difficult or frustrating. My inner critic has shrunk quite a bit. I don't kick myself anymore when I react in a certain way to a particular situation, it isn't my fault and I now recognise that. I have also found it easier to accept the strange peculiarities of the people in my family, realising that there's an autism streak a mile wide running through my side of the family.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/05/2025 16:24

Thank you for this.

Re: the Shetland pony. It was very well behaved and used to curl up in front of the fireplace!

inkymoose · 01/05/2025 16:25

Oh, how lovely!

maximalistmaximus · 08/05/2025 09:42

Hi can I join?

Really struggling with things atm.

Need to be around others who understand autism.

JewelleryCat · 08/05/2025 14:20

maximalistmaximus · 08/05/2025 09:42

Hi can I join?

Really struggling with things atm.

Need to be around others who understand autism.

Welcome 🙂

Please do join and I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. What’s been going on?

Nepmarthiturn · 11/05/2025 12:58

Welcome @maximalistmaximusamd anybody else who’s joined recently. 😊

Nepmarthiturn · 11/05/2025 13:03

@Errolwasahero I think unmasking can be so hard for late-diagnosed people. You become so used to masking that you don’t even know who the real you is anymore. We become like chameleons constantly adapting and camouflaging until it’s almost impossible to know who we would have been without this. The damage done by years of masking, the mental health damage it causes as well, is well-documented now. It breaks my heart that even now society has this knowledge autistic children are still needlessly being put through the same today. It’s abusive, frankly. Forcing them into situations in inappropriate schools where they have to mask all day long, causing immense long-term damage.

I think unmasking would take me a significant amount of time with no demands at all to be able to recover from chronic burnout accumulated over many years from which I have no way out. Perhaps in retirement after a couple of years of rest so I can finally exit a period of decades of ongoing burnout I may be able to “be myself” and feel like a whole human rather than just a projection of everything everyone demands that I have to be, like a hologram.

Nepmarthiturn · 11/05/2025 14:19

Does anybody know what actions you can take against a Local Authority for deliberate, repeated breaches of the law and the statutory processes for EHCPs. Obviously I am taking them to SEND tribunals again, which will force them to comply with the law very belatedly. However, the tribunals do not punish them in any way for their deliberate and illegal behaviour. No fines, no sackings and removal of the staff involved, no personal fines and stripping of professional qualifications for those involved, no prison sentences for ongoing illegal behaviour (as would be the case in every other sector). No compensation and no payment of the parent’s costs, either. Does anybody know the correct mechanism for me to ensure there are actual consequences for these people for what they’ve done and the harm they have deliberately caused to children? As far as I can work out the only avenue will be to raise a disability discrimination case against them with the evidence of their breaches of the SEND regulations, the Children and Familities Act, The Education Act, the Equality Act. But surely it cannot be up to the individual family to enforce the law in this manner?

inkymoose · 11/05/2025 23:21

Nepmarthiturn · 11/05/2025 14:19

Does anybody know what actions you can take against a Local Authority for deliberate, repeated breaches of the law and the statutory processes for EHCPs. Obviously I am taking them to SEND tribunals again, which will force them to comply with the law very belatedly. However, the tribunals do not punish them in any way for their deliberate and illegal behaviour. No fines, no sackings and removal of the staff involved, no personal fines and stripping of professional qualifications for those involved, no prison sentences for ongoing illegal behaviour (as would be the case in every other sector). No compensation and no payment of the parent’s costs, either. Does anybody know the correct mechanism for me to ensure there are actual consequences for these people for what they’ve done and the harm they have deliberately caused to children? As far as I can work out the only avenue will be to raise a disability discrimination case against them with the evidence of their breaches of the SEND regulations, the Children and Familities Act, The Education Act, the Equality Act. But surely it cannot be up to the individual family to enforce the law in this manner?

The whole process sounds completely exhausting @Nepmarthiturn.

I suppose that the local authority with all of its failings is both let down and propped up by government policy. So where does the buck stop? How much power and strength does an individual family have to combat this obfuscation and lack of integrity? Who will help? How can you get what you need for your children? It seems to me that individual families are pitted against each other in competition for really scarce resources.

Having some clear advice on how to navigate this legal and moral minefield would be really helpful.

Nepmarthiturn · 12/05/2025 10:48

It is absolutely exhausting @inkymoose. I am genuinely shocked at just how appalling it all is. My oldest child was diagnosed with autism in Reception and my younger one while still at nursery, and now also has an ADHD diagnosis. Both have had school, CAMHS, the NHS SALT service refuse the support that their doctors and specialists state that they need so I’ve had to pay for everything privately. Both are now suffering serious mental health problems because over three years after their diagnosis they’re still not being helped. I applied for the EHCPs myself and the Local Authority refused to assess either of them despite multiple reports from their specialists stating they each require an EHCP. My daughter became so distressed she couldn’t attend school and the school wouldn’t even discuss it with me for over a term, to make a plan enabling her to go back.

I took the LA to tribunal and they were forced to do the assessments for both of them and have now granted an EHCP for one and not the other, despite their reports saying pretty much identical things. There are detailed assessments from neurodevelopmental paediatricians, SALT, OT, an educational psychologist, their child psychologist who does play therapy with them, all stating that they require EHCPs. The Local Authority refuse to discuss of explain their decision which is a statutory requirement. They haven’t followed the statutory process and have ignored all of the reports submitted. The person who is allegedly my children’s “SEND Officer” and managing their cases has never even spoken to me. I’ve left voicemails, emailed, no response. They won’t speak to my children’s advocate, either. So this person is making these decision about my children, and meant to be acting in their best interests, but has never met them and never even spoken to their parent, in breach of the SEND regulations and the Children and Families Act.

I’ve lodged another tribunal case to get the refusal to issue overturned but it will take months of maybe over a year meanwhile his mental health is collapsing. And mainstream secondary school will not be appropriate for him so we need the EHCP in place for the start of YR5 in just over a year as that is when we need to start looking for an appropriate secondary setting. Not content with having trashed his entire time at primary school, they seem to be trying to make it impossible to even get an EHCP in place in time for secondary school, when he was diagnosed in Reception. It’s unbelievable.

And for the child for which they have stated they will issue an EHCP, the draft they sent (which I only received by proxy as it was emailed to the children’s advocate) was so bad that I had to redraft the whole thing myself. I did so with direct quotes from the specialists’ reports, with footnotes stating which report and the page number that each quote had come from so it cannot conceivably be considered contentious at all as it is all referenced. Nearly two months later, having had no response from chasing up, they sent another draft where they’d deleted pretty much everything I’d added so the provision set out in their draft is completely insufficient and actually withdraws some of the support that was finally put in place informally last year after her prolonged absence so that she could manage to go back to school. Again, they’ve refused to provide any explanation for deleting all of the provision that her educational psychologist, SALT etc have specified in their reports. They refuse to have a meeting about it, and if they publish it as it is then she’ll be unable to attend school again until I take them back to tribunal again to get their decision overturned, which could take many months or even a year. She is only just starting to recover from the immense damage being forced out of school for a term did to her last year so this will absolutely push her over the edge.

I understand that resources are scarce but the sheer callousness of these people, to behave like this knowing the harm they are doing to small children, and the gaslighting of the parents, is just so far beyond unacceptable that I find it disgusting that they can ignore the law and regulations like this and get away with it with no personal consequences. And being able to do so with impunity means they continue, doing this to family after family.

They’ve trashed my physical health and pushed me completely to the point of mental burnout, trashed my children’s mental health to the point where they both beg not to be sent to school: two kids with IQs well into the top 1%. It’s also cost me a large 5 figure sum of money for all of the assessments and treatment that the NHS/ Local Authority has refused to provide. The stress of it all on top of a full time job and raising two disabled children as a lone parent has done so much damage to my health and my children’s childhood as it’s taken up so much of my time, as well, that I should be spending with them as family time.

It’s an absolute disgrace and I still find it hard to believe that this goes on. I don’t think it will change until OFSTED is replaced by a proper regulator which slams local authorities that break the law with such enormous fines for every instance of such behaviour that the financial incentive to do this is removed. The worst part is that at least my children have me to fight for them. Many parents won’t or won’t know how and their children will get absolutely no help whatsoever.

Our Local Authority has severe budget issues so is part of the “Government Safety Valve” scheme whereby the Government allowed them to keep some SEND costs off balance sheet on the condition that they “reduce SEND spending”. Their approach to this - rather than setting up a wider variety of schools so that appropriate school places are available for children with various needs and therefore they don’t require such significant support because they’re being forced to function in an inappropriate environment that doesn’t meet their needs - is to do this by ignoring the law and trying to illegally refuse EHCPs, so you’re right, the Government is also culpable and involved in this scheme to encourage this deliberate law breaking. The fact that parents win 99% of the tribunal cases country wide shows this is a system issue but the Government turns a blind eye and even eggs on this blatant law breaking by Local Authorities. It’s absolutely shameful.

Ed Davies seems to be the only UK politician who gives a damn about these issues, having had a disabled son himself. Labour and the Conservatives are a complete disgrace and don’t care about this deliberate harm to children that is being caused as a matter of policy. Obviously the Reform psychopaths would be even worse.

I just despair really, but I’m so angry now that as well as getting the illegal decisions overturned I am prepared to put myself through yet more stress to get proper justice with consequences and if that means raising a separate court case against the Local Authority and specific staff involved, so be it. I did a subject access request and have written documents with proof of deliberate illegal behaviour and collusion to circumvent the law. I want these people sacked and publicly shamed, and damages for the harm they’ve caused, and to set a legal precedent to make them think twice about behaving like this in future.

I spoke to the National Autistic Society and Equality Advisory Service last year and may contact them again for advice. They stated at the time I had a clear case of Disability Discrimination should I choose to raise one. I’m just not sure how much more stress I can take, but also can’t bear to see these people get away with this and carry on with their lives like nothing happened given the immense long-term harm they’ve caused to my family. I wonder whether there’s any prospect of the NAS and EAS working together to help with some kind of class action lawsuit joining together with other families who have been subjected to similar disgusting and illegal discrimination.

inkymoose · 12/05/2025 12:36

Oh @Nepmarthiturn, that is so painful to read.

A class action would be wonderful, if it were possible. There's only so much that one woman can achieve on her own, however determined and brilliant she is. Others need to join you.

It feels impossible right now because of the weight, the burden, pushing back against the tide of punishment for trying to do what is right.

I have never had any confidence in Ofsted. Their inspections seem to be based on instilling fear, and don't appear to have anything to do with improving the quality of teaching.

One day, there will be widespread recognition for your work. People will quote you as an example. Your children will be proud.

I hope that you may have the strength to carry on and find a way forward.

Nepmarthiturn · 12/05/2025 12:45

I mean these people made a then-five year old suicidal. She said she “didn’t want to live any more days” and would jump out of her bedroom window if she had to go back to school.

How they can sleep at night I do not know, but they belong in prison cells not in cushty jobs with nice pensions to look forward to, at our expense.

I hope there is a special place reserved for them all in Dante’s eighth circle of hell. Bolgia 5 in the 8th circle appears to be the appropriate place for them, where they will be submerged in boiling tar in agony for all eternity. But for now, in this world, a court case leading to public humiliation, being hauled up in court to explain themselves and then fired from their jobs will have to do while they await their long-term fate. I just need to pull my health together sufficiently to cope with prosecuting them, mentally but physically as well. The stress they’ve caused is so severe that I now have cardiac issues.

JewelleryCat · 12/05/2025 12:51

I don’t have children so do disregard this if it isn’t helpful but is there any way you can change schools? I know you shouldn’t and the school your children are at should make sure they have support but I’m just wondering if a new school with better SEND support would help

Regarding their school, maybe a disability solicitor if such a thing exists? I think you should speak to NAS, EAS and maybe other disability charities

Very sorry to hear about your cardiac issues 💐

Nepmarthiturn · 12/05/2025 12:56

inkymoose · 12/05/2025 12:36

Oh @Nepmarthiturn, that is so painful to read.

A class action would be wonderful, if it were possible. There's only so much that one woman can achieve on her own, however determined and brilliant she is. Others need to join you.

It feels impossible right now because of the weight, the burden, pushing back against the tide of punishment for trying to do what is right.

I have never had any confidence in Ofsted. Their inspections seem to be based on instilling fear, and don't appear to have anything to do with improving the quality of teaching.

One day, there will be widespread recognition for your work. People will quote you as an example. Your children will be proud.

I hope that you may have the strength to carry on and find a way forward.

OFSTED are a joke. They say they “don’t investigate individual complaints”! They will “put it on file for when they do their next inspection”. This is not how regulation works in any other sector. It isn’t up to individual consumers/ patients/ customers/ clients to enforce the law: that is the regulator’s job. When a complaint is made the regulator should be immediately suspending the staff involved pending investigation and the regulator should be taking the organisation to court. The regulator should be levying large fines on the organisations involved but also the individuals. Stripping them of professional qualifications, publicising their names, removing them from post, and in cases of ongoing/ repeated illegal behaviour, ensuring there are prison sentences. This is how regulation works in finance, in law, in medicine. It needs to be the same for education, particularly as there are vulnerable minors and safeguarding involved.

The current situation is outrageous and it means that the rotten apples have spread their mould throughout these organisations and these people actually believe this abusive and illegal behaviour is normal. They genuinely seem to think that it is the parents that are the unreasonable ones for having the completely crazy expectation that they will actually comply with the law and do their jobs. They are living in a fantasy land and need to be brought back down to Earth and I think it will take something quite extreme like a large legal case to do it, clear the whole lot out, sack them all and start again.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have felt so crushed by it all, but I hope my rage at what they’ve done to my children will overcome it. Somebody has to fight them. This abuse of children with disabilities and their families has gone on for long enough, with no consequences. I just can’t countenance that. This is not acceptable in what is supposed to be a civilised society. I understand the budget constraints but what’s really tipped it over the edge for me is the gaslighting. It’s abusive behaviour. Pretending it’s a problem with the parents, ignoring the damage to children, denying everything, ignoring statutory processes, they even refuse to answer formal complaints per the statutory process.

It is clearly a deliberate attempt to bully disabled children and their parents - people who they know are already trying to cope in very difficult circumstances - to the extent that they give up because they run out of resources/ their health collapses/ they can’t take the stress any more. I think somebody has to do something to ensure that all of the people who collude in this are barred from any role involving vulnerable people or minors, for the rest of their lives.

Nepmarthiturn · 12/05/2025 12:59

JewelleryCat · 12/05/2025 12:51

I don’t have children so do disregard this if it isn’t helpful but is there any way you can change schools? I know you shouldn’t and the school your children are at should make sure they have support but I’m just wondering if a new school with better SEND support would help

Regarding their school, maybe a disability solicitor if such a thing exists? I think you should speak to NAS, EAS and maybe other disability charities

Very sorry to hear about your cardiac issues 💐

Sadly it’s not even the school causing the problem anymore, it’s the Local Authority, so unless we were to move miles away there’s no escaping it (and I can’t do that because my children would not cope with such a change. Nor would I to be honest! And, then we’d have to start the battle all over again from the beginning with another Local Authority who might be no better, based on the country-wide stats of LAs losing 99% of SEND tribunals against parents: it’s clearly systemic, deliberate policy to refuse to comply with the law across the country). The only option is to fight them. 😣Or win the lottery so I could retire and homeschool them. Or maybe hope my son is successful in building his cloning machine… if there were two of me one could work and one homeschool!

Neuronimo · 16/05/2025 15:53

Hello All,

Hope it is ok to join. I have re-registered after many years. I have a son in his twenties who is diagnosed with Autism. My self and my husband have recently been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. My ADHD scores were extremely high, which probably explains life long difficulties with executive functioning and working memory. The assessments were a slog, but we are both happy with the outcome. We are oldies, who have suspected that we are neuro divergent for a long time. The midlife years have not been much fun, I have found social communication more and more exhausting and so I have become a bit of a burnt out hermit.

I love family history, social history and we are all newly appointed twitchers, having found the Merlin App recently. It was as if one day, the whole house hold suddenly woke up to the sight and sounds of the birds and thought wow! I love cats, but we can't have one at the moment as my son is very allergic. It has been hard to find much in the way of ongoing support locally, so I am looking forward to reading through these threads.

inkymoose · 16/05/2025 16:43

Welcome, @Neuronimo ! I hope you enjoy reading the threads. There's lots of good stuff here to peruse.

Thank you for relating your story. I'm also an oldie, and for some reason, although I sought an assessment for ASD, I mentally veer away from the idea of an ADHD assessment. This may sound foolish, but I think it's an emotional barrier I've erected, and I'm finding it hard to lower the barrier. In a way, I'm sticking my fingers in my ears and going la la la la la can't hear you!

Neuronimo · 16/05/2025 17:10

Thanks so much Inky. I can certainly relate to shying away from the ADHD assessment, my focus has been solely on autism, after identifying with and supporting my son for so many years. It has been a bit of a revelation and I confess that I know very little about ADHD. My husband actually suggested ADHD, to me after meeting someone very similar to me at work. Lots for me to learn, on both fronts and I am looking forward to this. The assessment also picked up OCD which has been interesting. (Eyes the number of decorative items in twos and three around the place.)

I have been thinking a lot about the incessant internal narrative, masking and how how much I anxiously dissect and analyse every social interaction. I had associated this with autism, so it has been interesting to think about it from both perspectives. I hope that I will be a little kinder to myself going forward.

InMySpareTime · 24/05/2025 19:00

Totally failed at masking today. At the PILs and dinner was meat/veg/gravy served on stoneware plates. The sound of scraping cutlery on rough stone crockery was prolonged and unbearable, and DH noticed me getting upset and shutting down.
I left the table to go somewhere beyond the sound and DH had to explain to his baffled parents what had happened.
Though in some ways it was awful, it was good to know that DH gets my sensory issues and will explain them to people when I can’t. Also it was good giving myself permission to leave environments that I don’t like, before I reach my absolute limit.

Nepmarthiturn · 30/05/2025 13:00

@InMySpareTimejust seen your post. That is so good that your DH supported you like that. It makes such a difference to know you are understood and don’t have to cope alone if things get overwhelming.

It does so much harm trying to mask all the time and continue coping in environments that are just unmanageable. This is my children’s problem with school. 😔 Sadly when we see family they refuse to listen about any of our sensory issues. I’ve even had to stop family members marching into my children’s bedrooms when they’ve been told they’re having a sensory break and to leave them alone! It usually takes us all a few days to recover from one of their visits. 😬

Nepmarthiturn · 30/05/2025 13:02

Also really good that you’re recognising your own needs now and not ignoring them. We spend our lives trying to endure environments designed for the needs and preferences of others all day ever day and have been conditioned into thinking we’re being demanding to ask for the slightest accommodation in return to enable us to cope with it. We aren’t!!

inkymoose · 31/05/2025 06:44

Nepmarthiturn · 30/05/2025 13:02

Also really good that you’re recognising your own needs now and not ignoring them. We spend our lives trying to endure environments designed for the needs and preferences of others all day ever day and have been conditioned into thinking we’re being demanding to ask for the slightest accommodation in return to enable us to cope with it. We aren’t!!

Yes, and beating ourselves up for "failing" in this way gets to be a habit, too. For years I've noticed a very harsh self-critic shouting or muttering into my ear like the little devil in the shoulder, only not much of a fun devil, just going "you're bad! You're lazy! You're pathetic!" and for the last few years, I've recognised that these thoughts are habitual, undermining my self-care, and needing challenged.

We autistic women absolutely are not being demanding when asking for some accommodation to enable us to cope. Sometimes, we need OUT of that situation, as you said @InMySpareTime, before we reach our absolute limit.

Nepmarthiturn · 31/05/2025 12:30

Absolutely @inkymoose

Yesterday my children were playing a game, saying “put your hand up if you love X”. When they said “mummy” and both raised their hands my heart soared, but then my daughter said “why didn’t you put your own hand up, mummy? Don’t you love yourself?”

She’s 6, and far too perceptive. It hadn’t even occurred to me to raise my own hand. Once they were in bed I was thinking about this and realised that I really don’t love myself, at all. My inner self-talk is terrible and constantly critical and almost abusive to the extent that if anybody else spoke to me like that I’d cut them out of my life, but I can’t because it’s me doing it. I am not sure I’ll ever manage to develop any self-esteem but have finally managed at least to develop boundaries in the last few years.

I just hope I can raise my children to feel differently about themselves and not be crushed by the constant suggestions that you should bend over backwards for everyone else and then be told that you’re making a huge fuss and asking too much if you have any needs of your own. Well done to everyone who has been standing up for themselves more!

Nepmarthiturn · 01/06/2025 11:22

What’s everyone up to this sunny day? We have family arriving soon. 😬

Swipe left for the next trending thread