Do you "invite yourself" places?

[PlaySleepEatLeeks]

What do you think of the concept of "inviting yourself" places?

I have someone in my life who does this a lot and I find it quite confusing. It's just something that would never occur to me to do. Surely if my presence was desired the other parties involved would have extended an invitation?

I am an introvert and am very content in my own company, so I'm unsure if I'm particularly intolerant of this behaviour vs the normal population.

I hate plans being changed, so if I have a day out with my kids or a relaxing evening in planned, it really makes me feel irritable and panicky to have someone impose themselves on these.

Do you invite yourself places? How do you feel when people unilaterally decide they're spending time with you?

I had people invite themselves to my wedding, and then write a couple of weeks before the big day telling me they were also bringing a friend who would be staying with them at the time!

I constantly feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome, even when I have been invited somewhere, so I wouldn’t dream of inviting myself with the assumption that they would feel blessed to have my presence.

I uninvite myself places, I'm that committed as an introvert.

Yes, for me I can like a person and want to spend some mutually agreed time together, but this does not equate to me feeling blessed by their presence at every given opportunity.

😂this is me too.

Ive had people do that to me. I hate it because I always found it hard to say no (I’m better at it now I’m in my 40s). It’s so cheeky, I find people who do it tend to have quite self-important characters though, like they can’t imagine anyone would have a good time if they weren’t there. I would never do it. I’m the opposite, even when I’ve been invited to something I feel like an imposter. I have got less and less social as I’ve got older though.

No. I’ll be invite if they want me there.

It's not something I'd ever do and I'd find it annoying in another person. That being said I'm not great at making new friends and have sometimes wondered if being more pushy would help.

That would infuriate me.

I would never, ever think to invite myself along somewhere. My MIL does this. Decided a couple of months back that she'd meet me at ballet every weekend. She just turns up and now I have to have coffee with her when I don't want to! Literally doesn't ask.

I know of a friend who spends all his time in around 3 places. If he's not in one, then you know he's in another. His workmate turns up every single evening or weekend. Brings his family along too. Never a message 🤣.

So alien to me.

I wouldn’t invite myself to someone’s wedding that’s way OTT but yes to more casual things I have/do. Like if a friend says “oh we’re going for a wander round that new food market on Sunday” I might say oh that sounds great can I come? Similarly I have no problem if someone does that to me.

Only if it's a very good friend and I know they'll want me there/ know I'd be invited anyway. But in that scenario it would almost be jokingly really, as I'd be there anyway.

I wouldn't invite myself along to something I wasn't 95% sure I was wanted at.

When my daughter got married the first time it was a formal sit down dinner with limited space. Her uncle and wife asked if they could bring her grandson ( none of us had ever met this 6 year old) as he liked visiting our seaside town . When we refused they declined their invitation!

No, not really. But I suspect that’s because I’m good at setting my boundaries and would just promptly say no because insert reason here

People can only break boundaries if you let them!

It’s not something I do nor have had done to me really. I’d just say no sorry that doesn’t work for me.
The only time it’s ever happened is a friend inviting herself to the gym with me but I enjoy having her there so that’s not an imposition

I just realised I answered about people doing this to me and not the other way around. But still no. I wouldn’t dream of it.

No, not really. But I suspect that’s because I’m good at setting my boundaries and would just promptly say no because insert reason here

But how do you say ‘no, because I don’t want you there’ without upsetting people?

No, but I have been excluded from a few family events which really hurt me. There are funerals I will have to attend and half the extended family would judge me for showing up also for not showing up.

I really hang back so as not to be pushy. But I know a few pushy people who are always out, nobody dares exclude them!!

Well if someone said “we’ll join you” at a specific event. I’d just say that we were going as a family / couple etc and make no arrangements with them. If it’s a ticketed paid for type thing then you can’t stop someone going but you don’t have to make plans with them.

if we were just going to the park I’d say similar and then not engage in arrangements.

You don’t have to say you don’t want them there. You just say that you are doing it with X group or person.

if it’s someone I like I’ll just make other plans with them or suggest something else another time. If it’s someone I don’t like I’ll just be polite in conversation but not engage in planning.

This is what I do too. Tbh if someone didn't want me there but didn't have the balls to say so I'd think that was a them problem! Also this is exactly the sort of thing you're advised to do if you want to make friends/are lonely.

Similar to others it depends on the activity. Park, farmers market, large venue where we could go anyway - absolutely fine. Invitation only or people’s houses? Nope.

You need to be able to read vibes though. I wouldn’t fire in blindly if someone clearly didn’t want to hang.

I don't want to seem rude, but if I wanted you there I would say "I'm going to a food market, would you like to come?" and actually ask you to be there.

I would feel put on the spot by "can I come?" and although I've worked hard on my boundaries it can feel difficult to just say "no" to this, especially if you aren't expecting it.

I don't think it's a "balls" thing. For me it's not wanting to hurt or offend the other person.

At a public place I might respond with a, that sounds cool, I might check it out myself rather than an I'll come with you.

@Ratisshortforratthew and @Lincoln24 do you never think "if June is talking about going to X and she wanted me to join her, she'd ask?"

Because if I was doing something on Saturday, for example, and was happy for the person I was speaking to to join me, I'd say something like: "On Sat I'm going to check out the new food market, so if you fancy going you could join us."

But if I was asked "what are you up to on the weekend?"

And I replied: "I'm off to that new food market on Sat, so looking forward to that."

And you said "oh, I'll join you."

I'd think you've put me in a tough spot, because if I'm spending that day catching up with a friend, or family member or a date for example, how do I tell you I don't want you to join me in a way that wouldn't offend you?

Perhaps you could tell people like the OP & I the best way to reject people who do invite themselves if it's something you do.

My DH does this as it's common in his culture. We live in a very buttoned-up area and I physically cringe when he does it, even if the victims are willing!

I do if confident the other person could say no, so close friends/family.