Do you "invite yourself" places?

[PlaySleepEatLeeks]

What do you think of the concept of "inviting yourself" places?

I have someone in my life who does this a lot and I find it quite confusing. It's just something that would never occur to me to do. Surely if my presence was desired the other parties involved would have extended an invitation?

I am an introvert and am very content in my own company, so I'm unsure if I'm particularly intolerant of this behaviour vs the normal population.

I hate plans being changed, so if I have a day out with my kids or a relaxing evening in planned, it really makes me feel irritable and panicky to have someone impose themselves on these.

Do you invite yourself places? How do you feel when people unilaterally decide they're spending time with you?

yeah I was quite shocked. I had thought of him as one of the sensible ones. To be fair though the advice wasn't aimed at men, just at anyone who was concerned about someone else. I have certainly known one or two women who tried it on me when i was first widowed. My bestie didn't. She would invite me round for wine and gossip.

Only on MN would people get so offended at this 😂 I do get invited to lots of things. It works fine for me to invite myself sometimes - and shock horror, people do it to me too! Thankfully the people I know are more flexible and sociable than many people on this thread

I’ve been listening to a lot of advice on making friends. And I have never ever heard invite yourself. I actually think that that’s downright rude. It may be different in other cultures but I’m not convinced by that either.

I have a feeling there are lots of people, across all cultures, grumbling that such and such invited themselves and they didn’t know how to say no.

Also, it’s kind of impossible. The posters suggesting this…You’re not seriously saying that every time somebody says “I’m going to the cinema at the weekend” that in itself is the invitation?”

in that case, yes, I have missed tons of invitations!

I don't understand how that would work practically either.

I'm always asking people what their plans are for summer/the weekend/over Christmas etc and it's just conversation.

I just wanted to add that I do meet up with friends fairly frequently, I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to spend time with the people you care about, but why not just say "do you fancy grabbing a coffee/going for dinner/doing something together soon?"

Yes I am also now pondering all the "invitations" I must have missed over the years by not knowing the "rules" 😂

One thing this thread has shown me is that some people have no shame so keeping plans to myself is a good idea!

I always remember I took some japanese classes and our teacher told us they have a phrase that translates as "sorry, no" and apparently it's perfectly acceptable there to just use that for anything you don't want to do. No further explanation necessary. I so wish we could adopt that here.

Same here! My home is my sanctuary where I can be underwear free and not have to be “on”.

It sounds nice for more sociable people though. It’s a bit like a sitcom - always some character coming in and making something happen. I probably would have loved that when I was younger and full of energy for people.

Im not an introvert but I don’t invite myself to things. I think its more a cultural issue than a temperament one.

I don't invite myself bit l have a friend who does and it drives me so mad l have stopped telling her what my plans are. It is rude and intrusive.

I wouldn’t invite myself to other people’s days out and I don’t have friends/family who invite themselves to stuff I’m doing either. I’d find that really weird.

If I’m going out somewhere and telling someone about it, it would be bizarre if they suddenly invited themself to something with me/my mum or DH or even another friend. If it was something I was doing that I wanted them to come to, I’d have already asked them.

This exactly what my friend does - even if l say l am spending the day with my mum who she barely knows!
She is very lonely and l am sorry about that but she needs to do something about that and stop piggybacking onto my plans!

No this is definitely a you problem! You are being rude and imposing on people - I’ve cut out several “friends” who acted like this.

@Gensola @Ratisshortforratthew honestly I think it's not specifically either of you, I think it's the fact that different people have different assumptions about what's acceptable and what isn't but rather than make that clear society expects everyone to be able to read between the lines and magically understand what other people are thinking.

I've had multiple friends tell me directly that if they were to say something like 'I'm probably going to take the dog for a walk around the lake in a bit' that the assumption would be that if I was able to or wanted to come that I would be welcome. Sometimes it's a bit clearer 'what are you guys up to now? We're headed to the playground'....again no direct invitation there but having asked multiple times about the implied meaning I now realise that's meant as an invitation.

In my experience people are rarely clear or direct. I've learned because if I don't clearly understand then I will ask follow up questions until I am clear. If you're someone who would be direct when inviting someone then that's seriously helpful, but I'm afraid not everyone is the same so it's not unreasonable that someone else might assume that by telling them your plans you are in fact insinuating an invitation.

me too

I would have said that I don't invite myself places despite being an extrovert but having read the thread I guess I would drop a hint if I wanted an invite and it appears some people might feel pressured/ offended even by that

Eg 'what are you doing at the weekend?' (Genuine q not already asking for invite)

'X and I are going to see that new movie/taking the kids to the country fair'
(Obviously depends who x is I am not going to crash a couples or mum and daughter event but would be more likely if x is a mutual friend)

'Ooh I really wanted to see that/ really like the fair' (hoping for an invite not asking explicity)

'Why don't you tag along the more the merrier'
(Result you can go)

Or if they just move on with the conversation you know you are not wanted and would be at liberty to decide to go on your own/ with someone else

In fact it would be weird to me if you knew a friend was going somewhere you are also going not to offer to meet up or at least say 'oh so am I hope to see you there'

If it's a wedding/ party/ whatever private event obviously I would not even make the suggestion as it is self evident that if I was invited I would be invited IYSWIM

The more casual and less exclusive the arrangements surely the more open it is to a suggestion. If it's literally at school pick up 'what are you guys doing later?' 'Taking the kids up the park' then I would think it completely normal to say 'that sounds nice can DC and I come too' or indeed just go along and hope for some social interaction. It would be a strange world to me if stuff like that needed a formal invite otherwise how does anyone make friends.

Christ, how do you get through life being so inflexible? Do you actually like your friends? I completely disagree it’s rude and imposing so I’ll happily continue doing it as and when (and welcoming people who do it to me), so far it’s led to closer friendships and positive results and nobody has cut me off, but frankly if they did that’s no loss to me.

I think it's brave, depending on the person/situation I sometimes admire it but myself? Absolutely not. The mere thought makes me want to chew my own hand off.

*would feel put on the spot by "can I come?" and although I've worked hard on my boundaries it can feel difficult to just say "no"
to this, especially if you aren't expecting *

I think the best way is to not tell people what you are doing if there is a risk that they will do this.
Just be vague
" haven't decided what I'm doing yet, see what the weather is"

They may not have cut you off but they may be fed up with you doing it and for whatever just tolerate it. Why is it fair you keep putting them in a position they feel they have to say yes? Can't you make your own plans and wait to be proactively invited?

This is the approach that I take with the person who invites themselves, I just don't tell them my plans, but it feels quite unnatural and guarded to me, and does take a bit of effort, which is frustrating.

If that was the case they wouldn’t repeatedly invite me (proactively, off their own back) to their dinner parties, outings and events would they? I do make plans too and invite people, they invite me, sometimes someone will mention they’re going to something and someone else will say sounds great I’ll tag along. Sometimes there’s no need to self-invite as people say “I’m going to XYZ if you fancy coming?” It’s all very normal and reciprocal among my friends, I’m not the odd one out for doing this. In fact a couple of friends have said to our wider group “I go to X pub most Fridays, if you fancy it just turn up or invite yourself along”.

If you’re imagining I invite myself to every single thing they do and they’re at pains to be rid of me you’re wrong, as I mentioned earlier it’s casual things that tend to be public anyway (markets, dog walks, the local pub which is tiny and the kind of place you can turn up alone and end up in a group of 15 people). Not their dates, catch ups with parents or dentist appointments. Many friends invite themselves too when it’s me that mentions doing stuff like this. It’s a normal dynamic among the people I know.

But also, even if this WAS the case and they were just tolerating it (which they’re doing a very good job of hiding and pretending they like my company if true) why is their approach inherently superior to mine? Why should I be the one to modify my behaviour when it works fine for me, and anyone who doesn’t like it is free to stop inviting me to stuff?

Oh, I would never judge friendship/social norms by Mn.

Well it sounds like it works for you and your friends so no issue. My sympathies lie with those who get the same requests to tag along from family and in laws and are put in a position that if they say no they'll be made out to be unkind and selfish.