Do you "invite yourself" places?

[PlaySleepEatLeeks]

What do you think of the concept of "inviting yourself" places?

I have someone in my life who does this a lot and I find it quite confusing. It's just something that would never occur to me to do. Surely if my presence was desired the other parties involved would have extended an invitation?

I am an introvert and am very content in my own company, so I'm unsure if I'm particularly intolerant of this behaviour vs the normal population.

I hate plans being changed, so if I have a day out with my kids or a relaxing evening in planned, it really makes me feel irritable and panicky to have someone impose themselves on these.

Do you invite yourself places? How do you feel when people unilaterally decide they're spending time with you?

I can see both sides to this. For some people, they would dearly love to have people to hang out with more but are just too shy to ask directly or have fear of rejection, I think it’s mean saying no wonder they never get out or similar. If something is mentioned that sounds like a possible invitation it might be easier for them to say “oh I’ve been thinking of seeing that film” and hope for a follow up “proper” invitation than to initiate something themselves.

Yes, and I don't think this is rude at all.

I feel like that’s a you problem though. When I haven’t invited people to something it isn’t because I don’t want them there, it’s just that it hasn’t crossed my mind to do so. If I saw a food market I fancied wandering around and thought I’d do it alone, then bumped into a friend later while walking the dog for example, and mentioned it and they said “oh sounds great I’ll come!” I’d genuinely be pleased of the company.

If I wanted alone time or it was a date or something I’d just say ah sorry I really need a wander on my own/actually it’s a date but maybe bump into you there if you go. 99% of the time though I’d be happy to have extra people come so I don’t really think in terms of not invited = not wanted if it’s a very casual event that any member of the public could go to anyway. If it was something more specifically organised like a birthday dinner then yes a lack of invite would be intentional. But the people I’ve invited myself for wanders with do invite me to their birthdays so it can’t have been that problematic for them!

Isn't it just so wonderful to reach a stage with friends where you can chuck them out without causing offence? We hosted a bbq yesterday. My children go to bed considerably earlier than the others. I put my youngest to bed quietly whilst everyone was still chatting, came downstairs and they'd all cleared the table etc put the toys away and were preparing to leave because they know that once it gets to 7 I'm going to suggest they head home 😂 Appreciate last night I didn't actually have to ask them to leave, but that's because I've done it so many times that now they're used to it and it's not an issue for anyone. It's just so blooming lovely having people like that around!

I think I’m the same. Normally if someone asks if I mind if they come I am delighted that they would like to spend time with me, I don’t like asking people all the time in case they feel put on the spot but generally I like the extra company. And I would be fine with saying sorry not this time because xyz if it really wasn’t what I wanted. But I’m a very sociable person, I can appreciate it’s harder if you are an introvert.

I think it depends on the relationship. I invite myself to tag along my mom all the time. But that's cause I know she enjoys the company. I do invite myself to friends houses if we haven't met up for a while or need a place to stay. And vice versa. I recently had a party in another city and asked my brother rif I could crash. Totally invited myself. And don't even feel bad!

I don't think it's a me issue though, lots of people feel the same.

I absolutely NEVER invite myself places, just the thought of doing so makes me feel anxious!

99% of the time though I’d be happy to have extra people come

Not picking on you in particular but I think therein lies the problem. The people who invite themselves along seem to assume that everyone feels the way they do. "Why wouldn't you want me to come?" is their attitude. "The more the merrier" is their way of life.

If I want to spend time with a specific person, doing a specific thing, I will arrange it that way and invite them. I'm probably opposite to you in that 99% of the time I would not be happy to have extra people come.

I'm aware this probably makes me sound like a right misery! But I don't see why the onus should be on me to have to specifically say "no you can't come" (however politely I might try and put it) when I never extended an invitation in the first place! Because these people never seem to actually ask if they can come. They just decide they will. Which to me is really rude.

It's no wonder people are lonely. This sort of thing is usually quite organic. When i used to take my dc to the park after school, they would probably mention it to a couple of friends at the gates and you've got a happy little group at the park. Local events are similar, we say we are going, parents or siblings think it sounds fun so also go, we meet up for a bit and then go our separate ways, bumping into each other for a chat or icecream whilst we do the rounds. Joining you on your holiday or turning up at your wedding is a little different!

Agree.

I would go as far as to say that 100% of the time I've planned to spend my time the way I want to spend it. So if I'm having a night in or doing something alone or with just a few people that isn't because I'm incapable of planning otherwise or conceptualising that other people could be present. It's because I don't want them there.

that's very rude of your 'friend" just going to the same event isn't imposing...you might as well say that its imposing on her to be in Tesco at the same time.

This thread is so representative of humanity isn't it!

• Some people will actively invite you if they want you there
• Some people will conversationally tell you that something is happening/they're doing something and that in itself is the invite
• Some people will conversationally mention something but do not see it as an invite
• Some people will only attend something if they receive a concrete invitation
• Some won't
• Some have no problems saying actually they'd rather you didn't come
• Some wouldn't dream of saying you're not welcome for fear of being rude but will be upset that you've misread the situation and are inviting yourself
• And so on and so on....

And unless we clearly communicate which of the above we are (and really it can change depending on the day/event/who you're talking with etc) then it's anyones guess which camp you fall into!!!

Life would be so much easier if everyone was able to be open and honest without fear of causing offence.

Then the onus is on them to say so. I’ve no problem turning down invites myself if I don’t want to do something or saying I need the alone time so I wouldn’t be offended by someone saying they’d rather do something alone - but I would find it odd and miserable tbh if they said “no, this is only for the friends I’ve invited”. I’d respect it, and I wouldn’t argue with them or turn up anyway (unless it was a public event I could go to anyway and just not hang out with them) but I want to be friends with like-minded people who have a “more the merrier” attitude, I don’t see the need to separate different friendship groups, it feels a bit high school and bitchy to me. So I probably wouldn’t pursue a friendship with someone with that attitude (and I’m sure they’d be glad to be shot of me as well tbh, with my everything-is-an-open-invitation approach).

i think a better response than Oh I'll come would be "I might see you there" That way the person can either keep it vague or say "lets meet up at xxx"
I am not a self inviter, never have been and don't like it when others do the same although I don't find it happens often. and yes, I don't think its an OP issue either.

I am with you OP. I have a friend that does this and it's putting me off contacting her and staying in touch. I feel really guilty as she is single and a bit lonely. I make plans to see her regularly on my own or with friends. But she will often say 'what are you up to this evening' and if I say 'I'm knackered so I'm going to put the kids to bed and just watch a movie' she will say 'shall I pop over I haven't seen you for ages and I really miss you'. She recently invited herself on a holiday I was going on with my family and other families (who she didn't know). She kept saying I'll just be doing my own thing but it will be nice being in the same hotel. I couldn't say no but I wasn't impressed.

I got so sick of my mum doing this that I went NC with her.

It's stalkerish behaviour and imposes on others in a way that makes them have to choose between the guilt of telling you "no" and the resentment of putting up with you inviting yourself.

It's rude and presumptuous.

No, never.
I'm very happy in my own company and always have been.
As for people imposing themselves on me, well,
cannot remember when that happened last time. 😛

To places

@Ratisshortforratthew no it's definitely a you problem and would explain why you aren't invited in the first place. Your lack of self awareness and social cues is astounding

I'm not talking only about groups of friends. I'm talking about people inviting themselves to plans with family, work colleagues, quiet nights in or days away.

But I think there should also be space to be able to spend time 1 on 1 with a friend or to want to catch up with a few people I haven't seen in a while without it turning into a bigger thing.

Really Interesting reading different perspectives on this

I wouldn't dream of inviting myself to a wedding, a party or on someone's holiday but I might express an interest if someone mentions something that I like the sound of (theatre, concert, food festival etc) but I'd like to think I would do it in a way which would allow the person to say "why don't you join us?" If they don't mind me coming or ignore my hints without causing any offence if they would prefer me not to join them

I would only drop a hint with people I know reasonably well though and would like to think I am able to pick up subtle indications that my presence isn't wanted!

Equally if I am chatting to a friend and mention something I'm planning to do then I will extend the invite if I'm happy for then to join me if they express an interest but only if it suits me to have them join

I think there is a difference between the above and actually inviting yourself in a way that makes it hard to say no.

I am being more introverted as I'm older. Recently it was insisted I came to a house for a meal. Whilst sat at the meal they said "we like to take it in turns and do meals at each other's houses". It's terrible but I felt a sick feeling at the pit of my stomach. I didn't really want to go to that meal so the idea of it being a regular thing did not appeal. I have been poorly recently which doesn't help.

So no I don't invite myself and dislike it when people invite themselves to things 🙈

when we moved in to this house some 30 years ago, we were told that it was the custom among the neighbours to go from house to house on christmas day. Needless to say we backed out of that one! I do get that lonliness among adults, especially older adults is a thing and a health risk but I caught the end of a presentation on tv this morning the bloke (Xan van Tuuliken) was saying that if you think somebody needs help, don't take no for an answer, say to them something like "just come out with me and have a coffee once and I won't push you any more. Anybody who tries that with me will NOT like my response.

It's always blokes touting this pushy behaviour. Women understand that it's red flag behaviour.