Do you "invite yourself" places?

[PlaySleepEatLeeks]

What do you think of the concept of "inviting yourself" places?

I have someone in my life who does this a lot and I find it quite confusing. It's just something that would never occur to me to do. Surely if my presence was desired the other parties involved would have extended an invitation?

I am an introvert and am very content in my own company, so I'm unsure if I'm particularly intolerant of this behaviour vs the normal population.

I hate plans being changed, so if I have a day out with my kids or a relaxing evening in planned, it really makes me feel irritable and panicky to have someone impose themselves on these.

Do you invite yourself places? How do you feel when people unilaterally decide they're spending time with you?

This is what I do too. Tbh if someone didn't want me there but didn't have the balls to say so I'd think that was a them problem!

That's very entitled.

It's not about not having the balls, it's about people being taken aback and often not wanting to hurt others.

Also this is exactly the sort of thing you're advised to do if you want to make friends/are lonely.

If they're inviting themselves to things, I think that will be one of the reasons that they're lonely and don't have friends.

I've let that sort of thing go a couple of times, but after a while, I just stopped mentioning what I was doing to that person because they lacked boundaries.

I think if you're lonely and want to make friends you should invite people to things that you arrange, rather than imposing on their plans.

Unless I'm specifically invited then no, I wouldn't go to a place or event.

I'm really bad at reading social situations and a casual invite leaves me not knowing whether I'm really invited or not. I know people who will turn up at the slightest mention of a bbq etc but I would feel that I was being incredibly intrusive unless it was made clear in a "would you like to come to xyz on Saturday" kind of way.

Surely that person would have said at the time 'oh we are going to x y z if you fancy coming along?' You must cause such embarrassment putting them on the spot like that

Definitely.

I would never ever do this myself, and I have a problem with one person in particular trying to do it to me all the time. It's really frustrating.

I feel like I can't mention anything that I'm doing or they'll immediately say "that sounds fun, I'll come too". If I wanted them to come I would have invited them!

The end result is that I either keep plans to myself or lie in some situations. I don't know how else to handle it. How do I say "look, if I want you to come I'll ask you" sounds harsh.

When you say invite yourself places, does that include asking if you can go along? It's so hard because I have a lot of friends for whom the act of telling you is in fact the invite. They might say 'any plans this weekend? we're going to X' and leave it at that. For ages I didn't realise that was actually them inviting us, and I got a reputation as someone who didn't really accept invites so people stopped 'asking me to things' as I wasn't likely to say yes.

If I'm unsure now I'd often say something like 'i will be in no way upset or offended if you'd rather have a family day/we'd be imposing, but would you mind if we joined you?' My friends know that I genuinely won't care if they say not to go though.

Once a friend was going to a one day festival event with her extended family, it sounded awesome so I also went with my little household. It was a spur of the moment decision on the day. When we got there we bumped into her (weren't looking for them) and she was really awkward about it. Later said she hadn't expected me to impose on her family day out. That felt mega unreasonable as it was a huge public event, and we didn't go with the intention of hanging out with them, we said hi when we saw them in a crowd watching a performance, stayed in the vicinity of eachother for that act and then we went our separate ways. Would that count as inviting myself?

Feels like a minefield tbh.

I've been with my partner 30 years and in a settles family and friend group. Through a hobby I have met people recently who are single and whose friendships suffered under the pandemic. I can see how people can find themselves doing this with some activities - not a wedding of course but other nights out etc.

Depends on the context...
I have a large group of friends so I think sometimes you have to be proactive in reminding people you exists and what activities you'd like to join in with..
If I see 2 or 3 people doing something I'd not invite myself because maybe that was a specifically chosen group.. but if it's a larger group doing an activity I might ask if it were OK to join. I'd never just turn up anywhere without asking tho.

The issue is I know a lot of people whereby the fact that they're telling me what they're doing is in fact meant to be an invite.

Could you not just kindly say 'we love your company! But we're after some family time this weekend so if you want to go separately and we might bump into you then great, but would be nice to have the main time as just us'. Doesn't feel unreasonable?.

God no I do not invite myself places. If someone wants you to go with them then they will ask you. If they haven't asked you it's because they don't want to go with you.

I have no problem saying no to people who try to invite themselves to things.

You can't stop people making their own way to public events but you can refuse to give them a lift, meet them there, or walk round/sit with them.

I don't leave the house nowadays but before I was housebound I had a simple rule that avoided all this. Don't talk about upcoming plans for fun with someone I don't want to come.

No she's being odd. You don't own a festival, it's not your private event.
That's not inviting yourself. You went in your own group and got tickets.

It would be so helpful if it was a universal rule that people would communicate this clearly. I've literally had a deep and meaningful with a friend saying how lonely I am and that I don't really go anywhere with people, to which she gently replied that people offer out opportunities for me to join them often but I never take them up on it. I was so confused as I hadn't received any individual/active invites. Apparently it's no longer so formal. More of a 'oh we might go to X this weekend....' and that's your invite. They haven't even definitely said they're going, they said 'might'. How you're meant to decipher that as an invite is beyond me. But then I'm not very good at subtle cues and nuances that others seem to inherintly understand..

I tell a certain person things after I have done them now.

Now I get 'oh I wish you'd have said, I'd have come too'. Yes I know, that's why I didn't tell you. 🤣

When she does come to things, she takes over and is generally rude but doesn't see it. People like her never do. If someone is even slightly firm with her, she has a major strop.

I don't see any subtle cues or nuances in here! No wonder you missed the "invite".

See to me it should follow something like this:
A. I'm going to x at the weekend.
B. Oh sounds fun
A. Would you like to come? or
A. Yes, I'm really looking forward to it (you are not invited!)

If the mere fact I'm saying that I'm going somewhere is an invitation, then how do I ever say I'm doing anything, if I don't want someone randomly joining me?

@Thisisntthowisawthisgoing
Possibly that could work for some things, but there are some that I do alone (and want to do alone) where I can't then really use that excuse.

Again I seem to always be different to everyone else but if you were to tell me that you wanted sometime alone I would be in no way offended.

Recently I had a chat with a friend about how much I like to go to the cinema alone, I've always enjoyed it. She said 'Next time you're going give me a shout and I'll come along!' to which I replied 'But then I wouldn't be alone...which is part of the enjoyment!', she laughed and agreed, I laughed, we changed the subject.

The issue is I know a lot of people whereby the fact that they're telling me what they're doing is in fact meant to be an invite.

This has caused me many problems over the years - especially when younger.

DH was raised in family where telling you was the invite and I was brought up to expect an actual invite.

Looking back I do wonder if our friend and family were making that mis communication worse worse given the subsequent years behavior.

At one point I was studying in different place DH being told if I didn't invite myself to visit I wasn't serious and me being told if he didn't invite me he'd actually broken up with me and was using me as a coinvent place to stay to visit old friends - I got fed up and invited myself and had a proper conversation.

People half invite themselves here all the time- “which day am I coming for dinner this week?” Or “can I chill at yours on Friday” “what are WE doing today?” etc.

Several of them have keys too so just let themselves in.

One has turned up for dinner every week for years.

Our friend’s kids are friends with ours and seem to think they live here whenever they fancy. To the point where if we go away or out somewhere they ask why we didn’t take them (we usually do take them).

We find it amusing because we don’t think of ourselves as particularly friendly, we aren’t house proud, and our kids have SEND and are very loud and generally a lot- but we always have biscuits, cake and wine and apparently that’s all it takes 🤷‍♀️.

If this works for you I think that's fab, but it sounds like my nightmare.

@buttonsB4 just something like "oh sorry, I was hoping to just do this with xyz as I've not caught up with them for a while/because they really love x food/it's the "workplace y" group and you don't really know them". No problem.

You do get people who will happily navigate all of this. "I haven't caught up with them either/I'd love to meet them for the first time/I really love x food too, how fun!/I'd love to get to know your workplace friends!"

I personally wouldn't dream of being so rude as to invite myself along to something and I hate that others do it. They rely on the other person feeling to obliged to have to go along with it that it's manipulate and downright bad form, imo. MIL does it and I've had to start setting firm boundaries in saying no. Also, it's always the ones who never have anything much of their own going on to then invite you to, the boring tag alongs.

I quite like it really. I’m never short of a favour if I need one, or someone to ring in an emergency, or company if I want it. And I suppose it’s flattering that people enjoy spending time with us and feel comfortable in our house.

I like having ‘a village’, they are like family to me (and I’m very good at chucking people out or saying I’m not available if I’ve actually had enough!).

Yes, well those people are more problematic than me then!