I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Why do you feel bad ?
He got what he deserved.

He could have got up to soothe baby but chose not to. He decided that was your job and he felt entitled to lie in bed.

I’m so surprised at myself because I usually exercise a lot of self control,

Ummmm.... why do you need a lot of self control?? What else is happening?

I’m not toxic - I think I’m just exhausted in many ways

The biggest issue is if this was a man throwing the water/bottle you'd be being told to ring wonens aid/leave its very unbalanced on here

Long story, I think I just needed some validation that I hadn’t done something so horrible errgh, anyway, it was just a bit of water I guess

So, there’s no ‘excuse’ for throwing water at him when he was being abusive ? To be honest I feel sorry for the child if the parents are arguing over who should pick her up to comfort her.

I do agree with you, I should have tended to her immediately, I think I just need to step up tbh

There are different levels of abuse. A one off punch in the face the same as a one off acting like an arsehole?

If it's a one off being an arsehole and everything else is ok normally then it's not abuse. If it's more than one incident going on for months, years, then there is a bigger problem.

I do think OP is too apologetic. I don't think you should feel bad about expressing your anger.

I don't think you sound toxic.

When it becomes a competition of who's more tired, neither of you are going to get anywhere.

You need to work together, appreciate this can be difficult when you are both running on little sleep though.

The playing of the music in the first place was just bizarre and I can't understand why he thought that was the right thing to do. He needs to have some compassion for his crying baby!

It all sounds very childish.

Although chucking water over someone wasn't the right way to retaliate, I do think it was a retaliation, you only did it after you were pushed.

Not sure what to advise from here but I think his next moves will tell all...

Objectively no. The biggest issue is the man being so lazy and thoughtless that rather than get up to comfort his own child and give his wife a break, he would add to a bad situation by playing loud music until she got up to deal with the situation. That’s the abuse, not the throwing of water.

@Purplegurl both blasting music in someone’s ear and throwing things over them is abuse. This isn’t a healthy relationship, it isn’t anywhere near normal. It is toxic.

Sorry you're having a rough time. Babies are unbelievably hard work at times. Especially when you're hormonal after pregnancy.

I think the two of you need to have a calm chat once you're both a bit rested.

I fear he will use the incident to be all 'poor me'. I think you need to be prepared to remind him what you're doing and that it's not an easy ride.

If it were me I'd also ask why did he have the music on so loud. If he was trying to calm her that's a good idea and worth a try but if it was purely to annoy you then that's childish and inconsiderate.

You will be at the end of your tether because of sleep deprivation. He's not. He's used to working night shift.

He needs to grow the fuck ip and be more supportive.

Why do you think ‘one offs’ aren’t abusive. Once someone has done something once, it proves they are capable of it and there’s no guarantee they won’t do it again.

Sorry but he sounds horrible. It is exhausting caring for a baby, until you have one of your own it isn't possible to comprehend just how shattering it can be and how it can push you to your limits. However, what he did is so juvenile and nasty it does not bode well for the future, wait til your little one is a toddler and pushing boundaries, what is he going to do, blast music in their ears?

Sad.

I used to be like this
(no kids).
I used to drink and then go into a "fit of rage", obviously damaging to myself and my husband.
Only as an older woman I realised my fucking parents were abusive and I was angry with myself.
Not anymore.
OP, the anger doesn't solve anything.

This was my thought too. It sounds as though OP is constantly being pushed to her limit, so you have to ask what else is going on.

He definitely does need to grow up

I personally think the word "abuse" should be used only in the most extreme cases. Otherwise, you dilute its meaning.

A clash of personalities isn't abuse. A breach of trust isn't abuse.

Thank you - it also then leaves you living in fear of them doing it again, it being a silent threat. My ex-husband stopped physically abusing me, as I was so terrified after he strangled me I was easier to control by just the threat of his anger.

He deserved that don’t worry about it he won’t do it again

Yeah perhaps you’re right, but I’m unsure how to rectify this -

Perhaps you need to tell this long story. It might be better to make a different thread about it if you do as people will only focus on the water. Also make sure its on the Relationship board.

It sounds as though you were at the end of your tether but what is blaring out loud klaxons for me is his non reaction to it. Most normal people would have so why didn't he?

😂😂😂 sorry this made me laugh, omg he did kinda deserve it,

It is the worse time having a little baby. You are both tired. He works nights, is that right?
Sometimes you just have to let things go and apologise to each other the next day.
It is not the end of the world throwing water, no one raised their hand at the other.
Only you know if it was a one off spat or something more serious.
Hopefully it was a middle of the night spat and things will calm down.
Hope your nights improve soon and you get some sleep.