I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

I’m so surprised at myself because I usually exercise a lot of self control, what’s concerning me is what could have reduced me to this level of impulsiveness. His behaviour is the norm, he can be quite petty sometimes🤧

It's more likely to result in some sort of resolution than blaring music and throwing water while the baby lies there crying. Both adults behaving like children!

Okay admittedly I did chuckle at him getting water thrown over him (absolutely deserved it 😂). But in all seriousness you were both in the wrong and need to have a calm talk about it like grownups.

Just have a chat I suppose

Agree with this. Look, you were both tired. And cranky. It happens.

What's all this abuse everyone's talking about? Did I miss something? She threw water. He played loud music and sulked. Did he hit her?? Did she hit him?

Abuse goes on for months, years. Not a spur of the moment temper tantrum that only got one person wet.

I think it's good you showed your anger. Holding it in isn't good for you either. Maybe he can show some understanding next time.

Abuse often ramps up at the time of a new baby being introduced. Plus, the victim is in a different place - pre baby, a lot of the abusive behaviours can be ignored, minimised or managed. It's a lot harder to do that when sleep deprived and having to be 100% responsible for a helpless baby human. This is a vicious cycle though because the victim is NOT accomodating the abuser to the same extent, leading to more frustration from the abuser and increasing the abusive behaviours.

You throwing water on him today is a huge WIN for him. He has you questioning, upset, unsettled. I bet you're already thinking about how to make it up to him? Do you think there's a chance in hell he's ever going to apologise, or even acknowledge, how poor his behaviour was in the first place?

OP you are describing an abusive relationship, I.e. your husband is abusing you.

Yes, you've reacted impulsively and aggressively but I think you need to see that as a wake up call. You can't go on like this. You need to recognise you are being abused, understand that it only gets worse, and make a plan to get away.

He can be sometimes 😭

No, he doesn’t apologise

I think this is the product of two grindingly tired people who are trying adjust to a huge life change- a baby. It's hard work for everyone involved and you get to a stage where rational behaviour goes out of the window-at times you actively dislike each other. Anyone who says that doesn't happen is either very lucky or a fibber.

Both take some time to calm down. Talk about it calmly lately, apologise to each other. Make a plan to spell each other properly-with turns taken to get up whilst the other sleeps.

If he will meet you in this then fine, you can move on and forget about it.
If he won't then I'd think it's a wider issue.

ffs can we move past the view that it's not abusive unless physical...

It very well could be abusive - op says that he holds a grudge, it petty etc.

I have been in the situation with my ex-husband when my eldest was a baby and wouldn't settle at night, that he decided to snarl 'will you shut that fucking thing up' at me. I wish I had left then, as he was massivly controlling and abusive (and still is as a 'coparent'). However I had people telling me it wasn't abuse, he's tired too etc when in actual fact they didn't see the bigger picture as like most abuse victims I made excuses for him, explained stuff away and was also 'reactivly abusive' so that was also turned on me.

He doesn’t move on from things easily, that’s why I’m so worried 😭😭😭😭

Is he likely to apologise for this or tell you that you deserved it?

If it's the latter, or if he would apologise but without sincerity, it looks like you've got a bad egg on your hands.

Before you threw the water did you point out that playing loud music was unlikely to help the baby go back to sleep. I think that alone makes it his job to get up and do the soothing since he exacerbated the situation.

Yeah the throwing the water was a bit juvenile 😂

Oh, you've already answered my question. Oh dear. Yeah, he's a wrong un, alright.

That's rotten for you :(

Single parents don't have someone trying to get a rise out of them after they've just cared for their baby.

Well then op it's a bigger issue. You were both at fault. Him more than you. If he can't own it and commit to trying to make things better for you all, then there's a bigger choice to make. Because if this is pattern of behaviour over a long time, you might need to think about whether this is how you want to live. He isn't likely to change.

This just doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all. I think in your position I’d be ending it. I did, end it, when I had a 6mo and what swiftly became a toxic relationship. Of course this is only a snapshot, but you’ve not said anything that makes me think this is a healthy dynamic for you or your child.

Yes this.

Here's a list of thigns from this thread alone that make me (and I'm sure others) suspect abuse:

She usually does all night wakings and settlings
He played music, in her ear, loudly, to force her out of bed to see to the baby.
He is sulking
She admits that she is annoyed about other things and perhaps this is how it all came out (what other thingms? We can all guess)
He is frequently petty
He does not apologise for poor behaviour
He doesn’t move on from arguments (I read that as he punishes her for arguments)

In addition, I provided a list of things he might do if he’s abusive from financial inequalities to sulking, and while OP did not specify which items on my list were correct she did say, “OMG this”

I did point out that she’s stopped crying and the music was irritating me

Not much of a Dad to blast music when his baby needed a cuddle.

Good for you, many of these husbands are so selfish

Your poor baby. How will your baby learn to self soothe if neither parent can themselves?

You both sound toxic, poor baby being left to cry alone and with parents that think it’s acceptable at all to act like that.