I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Waiting is not a wrong move per se. People are telling you they’re worried because you seem very passive about actually putting a deadline to that “waiting”. I’m not saying it’s easy to pack your stuff and leave today - that never is. But you don’t seem committed to give yourself and him a deadline after which your boundary won’t be crossed ever again. It’s not for you - it’s for your children.

If you keep waiting indefinitely, things will never change. Everyone can guarantee that.

The future is also in your hands - don’t absolve yourself of all responsibility towards your children.

OhBling you have explained it well, I hope the OP will take this advice.

Christ OP, just listen to yourself.

Who is advocating throwing him out in the middle of the night ? We go from one extreme to the other don’t we ? OP has supportive family who know he is controlling. She possibly has somewhere to go to be safe and get away from him. With every reply she is demonstrating that she has no intention of doing that. She’s also not a first time mother, they have older children. And from what she says there is a pattern of abuse here. What would you like her to do - stay until it inevitably escalates, he cuts her off from the friends and family support she does have and she ends up having to gather up her children and leave in a panic ? If you read through her posts she clearly believes that if she switches off and leaves him to it, and focuses on herself, things will change. Where does that leave her children ?

Right. At this point I’m out. Fucking batshit thread. To all still involved, look back over everything OP has posted and then tell me any of this is real. Laughing, crying, vomiting and nosewiping emojis, talking about losing their sparkle, and all the while absolutely refusing to recognise the abusive nature of their relationship, not one jot of concern for the children involved and happy to accept responsibility for everything that’s going on. And now it’s all in God’s hands. FFS. It’s one of the most ridiculous threads I’ve ever been on and I’ll lay a pound to a penny it’s a wind up.

One post deleted in a spat with another poster who had several deleted in the same process. I have offered solutions. So have others. All ignored in favour of preserving the marriage at any cost, and more recently, it seems, in favour of leaving things in Gods’ hands !! I’m beginning to agree with another poster here that this is a wind up.

Waiting won't help you or god you have to open your mouth and tell him how you feel and how he behaved. He is immature and tired and won't be a man and own it. If you want to save your marriage then treat him like a man rather than a boy. He has to grow up and apologise when he's wrong or at least own it. You can't let him get away with it for an easy life because you ain't going to get one so you might as well speak up.

The holidays is getting close

Been right through OP’s posts by the way. Can’t find one instance of her asking what she should have done in that instant on that night. She asked if anyone else had experienced anything similar. And my reading comprehension is nil ?

Why would my post be a wind up? Do you really think I’m that bored that I’d just create a fake scenario and post it on MN? I’d never actually even considered that my husband’s behaviour could be abusive before…I’ve had to actually Google a lot of the terms that I’ve seen on this thread and actually visited the woman’s aid website too. As I had previously mentioned, the various comments genuinely opened my eyes to many things that I hadn’t ever considered. So for you to actually say that this incident never occurred is incredibly upsetting and I don’t know why you’re still adding your comments if you think this is the case.

You had a "spat" with another poster? No surprise there!

And the winner for the most helpful comment goes to.... this saint

Other people recognise him as controlling but you see it more as stubborness. You said just upthread that you’re ready to apologise because you can see where you went wrong. Are you sure it’s not because you can’t stand the silent treatment any more, so once more you’re apologising to keep the peace and restore the status quo ? This sounds like just one episode in a cycle of abusive control to me and you need to start recognising it as such because the longer it continues, the harder it will be to leave. It will only ever be a matter of time before he tries to distance you from your family and friends and then abuse will turn physical. Which means that not only will you be at risk, but so will your child.

I posted this way upthread, but you clearly didn’t read back that far did you ? Others have posted in a similar vein all ignored in favour of leaving it in god’s hands, despite the OP detailing some concerning detail regarding DH’s past and current behaviour. And yes, l missed the poll - but clearly so did most people because in an 18 page thread there is only one vote. This is a public forum. People are going to disagree.

Could you two please take your argument somewhere else instead of derailing the thread ? And @ArtHouse24 ’Spats’ with other posters and deletions are all part of MN. You might want to reflect on the fact that you yourself started one with this poster and insulted their reading comprehension because you disagreed with them. I think you’re probably lucky you haven’t been deleted yourself tbh.

If this is real then l apologise. But if you’re new to MN it might help to know that there are trolls who post just for a reaction, so posters will call bullshit if they believe this is what’s happening. And in my defence l’m not the only one who has posted to that effect. Your posts seemed to have a ‘light hearted’ element about them and this is not normally the case from those posting about abusive situations, but as you say, you didn’t recognise this as possible abuse before you posted.

Many people will post for advice in abusive situations, and many of the replies will be from those who have suffered similar at the hands of abusive partners, so they recognise the signs and will know what comes next as these things follow a pattern. This is why you’re getting these replies. Bit by bit the partner will start to control you - what you do, where you go, who you see, how you dress. It starts small and builds until they undermine your confidence and make you more and more dependent on them. There will be fits of anger and other behaviour that you haven’t seen before, as they show you who they really are, and they will shift blame for everything - even their own behaviour, onto you. Eventually you will find yourself isolated from family and friends and there may well be physical abuse as well as emotional and psychological.

if any of this resonates with you, then you need to stop burying your head in the sand. If you have a safe space with your family you need to think about using it before he recognises it as your escape route and isolates you from them. The thought of them saying l told you so should be your last concern. Withdrawing into yourself and trusting in god won’t change anything, and you have children to think of. Leaving will seem hard. But if you recognise anything of this scenario as a possibility you need to think about it and plan for it, because the longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

I’m another who missed the poll. But having looked there is no option for throwing him out in the middle of the night, so l’m not quite understanding who you think is advocating for that ?

This sounds like child abuse in the offing -- two people more bothered about themselves than the baby

He'd have thrown water back at me, the baby would have been in the middle of everything and we'd all have been laughing.

Noone is saying it is easy. It's really hard but it's not just about you is it? I've been through it, I still loved him but I did what was best for my child and left him because my child is more important that my attachment to an abusive person. I cried every night for a while after, I went through the same emotions as any other breakup, had moments where I wanted to try again and remembered "the times when it was good" but no amount of good times can change the fact that he was (and in your case IS) abusive.
Your children deserve better so do better.
Don't kid yourself, your children are being effected and it can/will impact them for the rest of their lives.
If you can't do the right thing and leave him for yourself then do it for them.

The OP isn’t so lucky by what she’s posted.

The OP isn’t so lucky by what she’s posted.
No, I was just responding with what we'd have done.
In fact, with all that nastiness from him, I'd be working through my own safeguarding list:

*Have I got my own separate bank account with money in it? If not, get it sorted.

*Am I sufficiently trained and qualified to earn enough to support two children and pay child care? If not, get down seriously to thinking through what you want/what is feasible by way of getting qualified when you are sufficiently over the post-partum stage.

*Get into some decent therapy: tell him that the water-throwing has made you aware that you need it, so he doesn't stop you, and do not discuss it with him while you're doing it.

That way, you won't have burnt your boats while you're post-natal and vulnerable, and when you are ready to discuss it, you will be coming at it from a more equal position.

Thanks for this, noted .

Thank you, I’ve taken this on board for sure.