I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Men and women are not the same.

Or, if its a one of and he is generally supportive and caring then relationship counselling might help. But, whilst having babies is hard and tests relationships, it can't be the case that he is basically happy with things and you are struggling to the point where you act out of desperation. Your point about him holding a grudge suggests he will see it as you being at fault.

Just be glad it wasn't a scalding hot cup of coffee. Neither of you sound very mature.

When it comes to getting wet they are the same.

Are you sure it’s stubbornness and not controlling ? I ask because your original post described a very controlling situation. He didn’t want to get up so he played loud music to ensure you would be the one to deal with the situation. You also say that you are normally good at exercising self control. Why would you need to ? What else is going on to take you to that point ?

The biggest red flag for me was your reply to my post saying I felt sorry for your daughter if her parents were arguing about who should comfort her. You immediately took responsibility for that saying that you should have seen to her immediately and that you should step up. Do you not think the same applies to your partner ? If not, there will eventually be an imbalance in your relationship, and if he has controlling tendencies it may not be long before he takes advantage of that, and then you’re in abuse territory.

The difference is there area million and one excuses to get away with it tried to be used when women do something wrong

'it's OK it just your little brain you are not responsible for what you do if he didn't do x you wouldn't have to do it'

'You need to leave him get out now'

In this case there are 2 wrongs

Could he not have gone in to settle his own child ?

You DID step up. You had done everything to ensure the baby was comfortable and had taken the sensible decision as a responsible parent to let her self soothe for a couple of minutes. Your decision was correct as she did stop crying. If he hadn’t started titting about with music it would have been calm and restful.

HE created the situation, not you and not your baby.

Were you both carrying on like this while your baby was crying?

I'd have got up and seen to the baby personally..

I think it can border on controlling at times, but I think he perhaps does it because I’m very placid and calm, so perhaps I have been taken advantage a bit, I have been told this before

👏🏾 👏🏾👏🏾 I think this pretty much sums it up

I don’t think what you did was abusive but something needs to change because you’re very sleep deprived

Hormones and sleep deprivation will cause unexpected rage in you - don't beat yourself up about it. However, both of you ignoring your crying baby is not okay. Loud music when baby is asking for your support is cruel.

Sounds like reactive abuse to me. He was taunting you and provoked an out of character reaction from you. You've not long had a baby, hormones are all over the place, sleep deprived, doing majority of the child care, breast feeding, etc and he decides to blast music of his phone making a stressful situation even worse. Obviously throwing water at someone is wrong but in this situation the arsehole got what he deserved.

Literally everywhere unfortunately. Often they don't show their true character until the pressures of parenthood arise.

sighs

You are both exhausted, he was behaving like a total dickhead and you reached the end of your rope. Having a small baby is incredibly difficult and hard work.

It's not great to pour the water over him but it does sound like he deserved it. I'd probably have been tempted to do it too.

I remember being on holiday with DH early on in our marriage, thankfully before we had children. We were in a bar. He was being very provocative and rude (which he isn't usually) though I won't bore everyone with the details of it. I saw red, decided I just wouldn't be spoken to like shit, threw his entire pint of beer over him and walked off.

That was 30 years ago. Still married and happy, but he learned his lesson that day and never pulled the particular stunt he had been pulling again.

I'm not recommending it as a means of dealing with arguments (I've also never done it since). But occasionally someone pushes you just too hard, too far and too fast and you react in a way you shouldn't.

Yeah, normally you should both be feeling sorry, him because he was being deliberately horrible and you because you flipped out. But you're feeling sorry and he isn't. That's worrying.

what could have reduced me to this level of impulsiveness. His behaviour is the norm,

You might have answered your own question. A long period of his "norm" behaviour could reduce you to this, then your overtiredness and a bit more selfishness from him are the trigger, and kaboom.

You can't just "step up" and fix this all by yourself. No amount of self control from you is going to be enough in the long run if he is going to "hold a grudge" against you instead of accepting his share of blame and trying to make things better for both of you.

Ugh the sleep deprivation and hormones in the post-partum time are WILD. I once broke a dustpan... the bloody thing would not go back in the cupboard so I chucked it on the floor and it cracked. These things happen...
but...
I think when they do happen, it's a wake-up call that you need to check inwith yourself about how you are really going, what do you need to be your best self in this season, etc.
Is your relationship truly safe and supportive? Are you able to talk to your partner about what you need and have respectful conversations to problem-solve challenges?
Are you looking after your body - good food? enough water? as much rest as possible? Sunshine and fresh air?
Are you experiencing any symptoms of post-partum depression or anxiety? Anger can be a symptoms so if you really don't feel yourself and your responses are worrying you, talk to your doctor!
Do you have a support network outsourcing your partner - friends, family, a mother's group?
So often the focus is on caring for baby and meeting every need - we're human too!! And babies need well mums.

thanks for this encouraging post - hopefully we can get through this 😭

It was just water, and he's not made of sugar. People are taking this very seriously, but it just sounds to me like one of these situations that happens when two people are exhausted - you'll probably laugh about it in the future.

I'd probably have thrown the water over my own head to try to wake myself up.
I've had many sleep deprived nights and can appreciate how hard it is.

Yes, I’m very easy going but because he’s serious about things I was concerned that I might have really messed up, and it’s only water, it’s not like a deliberately broke his favourite watch or something

LTB. Your tit-for-tatting with your own music is a symptom of him not listening when you use your words. You're trying different tactics to get through to him in the vain hope that one will work, and none of them will ever work because he regards you as a wife appliance not as a human. He's never going to start listening and caring for his child, so you might as well shed the dead weight.

You're already on eggshells around him and that will only get worse, plus it will rub off on your child.

It’s good that you recognise that, but equally, it’s important that you act to change it. A baby changes the dynamics of a relationship and you’re going to need to assert yourself more and put some boundaries in place - both to protect yourself and so that when you need to, you will be better able to advocate for your child.