I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Every abusive person has good moments. Anthony Hopkins in silence of the lambs says some kind things! (I can’t remember the characters name) his reactions show that he is unlikely to improve and do seem like a risk that he will hurt you or possibly your children, he certainly doesn’t mind leaving a baby crying. Please please please at the very least concentrate on an income plan so you have less barriers to leave, protect your children, and don’t lose contact with your freinds and family. Don’t let him isolate you.

There have been many good times too. That’s why it really confuses me.

There's always good times. It's part of the cycle of abuse. It's designed to keep you confused, doubting yourself, giving him the benefit of the doubt. Sex also makes you produce a chemical, oxytocin, that makes you bond.

If you do one thing for yourself make it this - get involved with your local branch of women's aid, learn what a healthy relationship should look like, find out all the options open to you if you were to split up and how to go about it, talk to others and hear their stories, learn coping strategies for while you're with him. You don't have to be planning on leaving right now to be involved with them. They're there for the people who are unsure what to do, too.

There have been many good times too. That’s why it really confuses me.

It's called "breadcrumbing". If he was rotten all the time, you'd have left years ago.

You talked about "mentally checking out". Your children can't do that and his behaviour is already affecting them. They are already seeing by example that men don't care for kids and women exist to appease men. Mentally checking out won't protect you if he escalates to violence.

The behaviour from him that you tolerate is the behaviour that you teach your DD to tolerate and your DS to do.

If you won't leave to protect yourself, leave to protect your kids.

You can choose to stay with an abusive partner, OP.

But your kids have no choice in the matter.

You can choose to shut down and pretend it's all fine.

But you are also choosing for your kids to learn to shut down and live in fear.

You need to make choices that protect your DC. Sorry, I know it's hard, but you're their mum.

Well done. Prat. Why are so many men on mumsnet such pricks? If he sulks btw your marriage is in trouble. Sulking is a gaslighting weapon.
As to baby, I breastfed mine. I found the easiest way to stop them fussing was to feed again.

Oh my word people. As one of the first people on this thread telling the OP this is part of a bigger problem I completely get it. But you don't go from thinking you are in a mostly happy relationship to deciding to leave in 36 hours. Cut her some slack. This is just the first step.

OP everything being said here is true but of course you can't just switch around instantly. Start by paying attention, maybe talking to your mum, looking our for things and hopefully in due course you will make a plan. I know right now you are hoping he will magically change but unfortunately those of us with experience know that's so unlikely as to be a meaningless hope. But I don't blame you for not being there yet

I checked out, didn't rise to it, tried to be the bigger person etc... guess what, he started tormenting our children as he knew I would then have to step in to protect them. It was where he could hurt me ... Via the children. He could control me via his behaviour towards them.

It also teaches the children that this is what love is like...and they them go on to have similar relationships themselves.

And of course they are nice sometimes... It keeps you there, hoping they'll stay the nice them, that they aren't being 'them' in their abusive moments.

The switching points for me were 1) when they turned on the kids to get rises out of me 2) I realised that no matter the excuse or reason for their abusive behaviour it didn't matter. They could have been oblivious to how abusive they were, and I still wasn't wrong to want to leave. No abuse is acceptable

I agree with @OhBling it takes time to be ready to leave, to get to that point.

I posted on here so many times, getting flamed for not leaving yet, each time was a setback to getting the help I needed.

It took me 14 years, it is a very hard path to chose to take. I used to wish I could fast forward to being out the other side. I knew I wanted to leave but had no strength or knowledge of how to.

Just know that when you do get there, it is so worth it 💕

The best scenario for you and the kids is to plan your exit for as soon as possible so that they are not exposed to his antics for any longer than absolutely necessary.
There are organisations that help women in your situation and women show up needing their help with nothing and I really do mean nothing than the clothes on their backs and shoes on their feet. They have no money, no financial independence but they manage, eventually.
It's not going to be plain sailing from the start and to think it will, would be expecting a lot.
Time to stop relying on him for anything. You'll need to stand on your own two feet soon enough so no time like the present to start that. The financial stuff will follow in due course.

@Purplegurl

How many children do you have and how was he with them when they were born? We’ve been approaching this as though this a young couple with your first baby and the abuse has now ramped up, but you’ve mentioned “kids” a few times e.g. “the kids need him.”

I hear you. It’s extremely difficult though. Plus I’m still young so maybe that’s why

We have an older child together

So the baby isn't his?

The baby is his too - two kids together basically

Aww don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re a new mum and sleep deprived.
it’s water, not a slap. He should’ve got up.
Despite what we see on TV looking after baby is not 50/50.
I had to do all the night time soothing/ feeding and it was so hard that sometimes I thought I would go mad. but hub did help in the day sometimes.

OP, it sounds like you’re taking the first step on a long journey towards the end of this relationship. “Mentally checking out” and just sort of living with it - I think a lot of us have been there. It took me 4 years to get from “things aren’t right” to “I’m leaving” so I sympathise. And I luckily didn’t have kids involved so it was easier.

As you mentally disengage, start to think about how you’d manage practicalities of separation. You will do this anyway. And give yourself time away from him - you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

At the same time, if you’re staying you might as well talk straight to him about how much damage his attitude is causing, set your own boundaries, and do everything you can to salvage things. But don’t let him bully you into telling you alone are always at fault. Stand up for yourself firmly and calmly. Sadly this may make him worse, but don’t lose yourself.

Finally, the acid comment is extremely worrying. I’m concerned you’re at risk of real harm if things like this are crossing his lips. Please take care.

“At the same time, if you’re staying you might as well talk straight to him about how much damage his attitude is causing, set your own boundaries, and do everything you can to salvage things. But don’t let him bully you into telling you alone are always at fault. Stand up for yourself firmly and calmly. Sadly this may make him worse, but don’t lose yourself”

yes this is what I plan on doing - of course I’m going to try my best, so that in the future I can say that I truly tried. That’s enough for me.

Yes I made it clear that it was water and it’s a heat of the moment thing - it’s not like I’ve ever done something like that before. We’re human beings not robots who are programmed to only respond calmly when disagreements arise….in the same way, I explained to him that I’ve already forgiven and forgotten how he decided to play music loudly in order to force me into getting up to tend to the baby so he wouldn’t be disturbed…he was tired, and tiredness can you more irritable and likely to respond out of character.

How did he respond did he take responsibility for playing loud music?

Remember -- throwing him out is a bit over the top unless he has hurt you and/ or your child; it will only pile more unhappiness and guilt and pressure on you, and anger on him. If you have both done something stupid, it can be fixed, if you are both willing to. 🩷

Maybe he hasn’t hurt OP or the child, but he’s certainly shown OP who he really is. Her family consider him controlling - she passes it off as stubborn. Guilt, pressure and anger have no place in a relationship - especially where there is a child. If OP says she is mentally checking out and focusing on herself that tells you everything you need to know. Why are you encouraging her to stay with her abuser ?

I do wonder if a stranger treated you the same way would you continue engaging with them?
I doubt it but when it comes to relationships some people struggle to set boundaries and allow their friends or partners to walk all over them. He knows you can't provide for yourself so he uses the fact that you need him to threaten you with leaving. He doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions because you need him.

He didn’t take responsibility at all and didn’t even mention what he had done. It was all about me throwing the water and “insulting him”. I tried to get him to understand that it doesn’t really matter now, it happened 3 days ago.

To be honest, I don’t need him. I just prefer to fight for our marriage so that I can say that I actually tried. Am I allowing him to walk all over me? Possibly. I know that what he’s doing is wrong. But I’m being patient and waiting it out. The future is in God’s hands at the end of the day.

I guess it’s easy for outsiders to expect me to detach myself so easily but it’s not easy. It’s not like a switch that can be turned off and on.

That is your interpretation and it is blatantly incorrect. I certainly did not advocate putting up with abuse, but I think that critisizing the OP and patronising her is abusive too.
You state that guilt, anger and pressure are undesirable in any relationship, but so is being stupid. Throwing a furious man out of the house in the middle of the night in front of your children is not a healthy move unless he is threatening or hurting her and/ or them ( she must then call the police asap). The man could fight her physically, or at the very least, shout, swear, kick the door, terrorise her and more, all in front of the children. That seems to be the route " just get rid of him" posters seem to be advocating, and unfortunately I know of a case where the daughter and young granddaughter of a woman I knew was killed by her partner during such a heated argument.
I also took this post to be from a frazzled first time mother with an immature young partner ( as did many others on this thread). People do stupid things when they are exhausted and angry, it doesn't mean they can't learn or change if they are willing to. In my second post, ( which you have overlooked) I told the OP to get herself sorted, look after her baby and decide what she was going to do about the relationship. I read no further until now.
If he has a controlling or abusive personality, then he has the potential to become violent if provoked in the heat of the moment. The OP must proceed with calm and intelligence to plan her exit or whatever she chooses to do, preferably by enlisting the support of trusted persons who will protect her and her family. Having been part of a Women's Centre years ago, I can tell you she needs a supportive network for her own safety. From the tone of your email response to mine and that of some other posters, MN sadly ain't it.