I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

If he doesn't care about your feelings, wellbeing or boundaries, then he does not love you and he can't be a (good) partner.

I was with someone similar once. He had very high standards for my behaviour, but if I ever set my own boundaries or made a peep about anything he did, he said "If you don't like it, you know where the door is".

I reasoned and cajoled and tried for years. When I eventually took the door he was devastated and promised he saw the error of his ways and said he'd change! But he'd never have changed. He was an insecure, controlling, miserable bully. There are so many of them around.

I really hope your husband isn't the same but it sounds like he might be.

But how do you end things when you have a child/ren?

It makes it terribly difficult I know. It's never easy. Like you said, it's so hard to disentangle yourself from the life you've created: the house, the people, the routine. The practical and financial aspect is just huge and can feel insurmountable.

But (a) if he's going to be so vile it would be easier parenting alone, and (b) you have a responsibility to your children not to model such a toxic relationship, otherwise they'll think it's normal and repeat it, and (c) if you stay in such a disrespectful situation you'll end up downtrodden and miserable anyway, so nobody wins.

If he's never shown this behaviour before, perhaps it is the strain of being a (new?) parent. If he's able to acknowledge his own mistakes and work on himself and his own behaviour, of course things can be improved.

But you cannot work with a person who will not acknowledge any wrongdoing, or who pretends you are the cause of all the problems. That's manipulation and abuse. You can't even go to therapy with an abuser - it doesn't work.

I absolutely agree with others that he's emotionally manipulating you by turning this into a huge drama of which you're a cruel aggressor and he's the innocent victim. It's very convenient for him that he's apparently not to blame for anything and you owe him special treatment.

Honestly, you can just leave. I left my XH when DS was a year old. DS has never known any different to his dad and I being divorced. Obviously it wasn't my plan, but I can't even imagine what my life would have been like if I'd have stayed. It's been about fifteen years now. Everything worked out fine in the end. I've got no regrets.

If you're not ready to leave, keep repeating to yourself that you don't deserve this. Try not to get invested in persuading him of that. His opinion is not the law.

You gather them up and you leave. You say your family are supportive. Could you go to them until divorce/house split is sorted ? It’s a daunting prospect I know, but the alternative is to have your DC grow up in a toxic environment. By the sound of it many people around you have recognised that he’s controlling but you don’t sound convinced and I get the feeling you’re looking for something to excuse the behaviour. That’s your decision, but as the abuse ramps up you will find it harder to escape the control and harder to leave, and at some stage he will begin isolating you from friends and family - especially if he thinks they offer an escape route.

It's worrying that his mind went to acid, too. That thought never occurred to me (or probably to most other sane individuals). But it occurred to him. Why? I'd say this is the first warning sign that you can expect an acid attack against you at some point in the future OP. He's telling you that's what he sees as the next step escalation from throwing water - and he's already thrown water. At the very least, this comment is designed to make you fearful of him and what he might do, so as to ensure you never argue back and always do as he wants.

What happens with these men is they're so difficult to be around, you end up tying yourself up in knots to avoid angering them. You make the relationship ok by doing whatever is needed to make it work. You don't notice the abuse because you're automatically doing things to mostly avoid it.

Then you move in together and you're around them 24/7 so it's too hard to keep that up. Or you have a baby and not only do you not have the energy for all that nonsense of running round appeasing his emotions all the time, you actually need him to support you, something he's not capable of.

So he loses his shit because his sex slave/dogsbody/smoother of all his emotions is suddenly not doing those jobs and is expecting him to step up and be an ordinary proper person instead of a dysfunctional man-child. That's a lot of expectations on someone who can't deliver any of it, plus a lot of his dysfunctional and excessive needs going unmet. So the abuse that was always there in the background ramps up and you finally notice it.

But you've moved in with him now, signed on for a joint tenancy for a year or maybe bought a house together, perhaps moved area away from friends and family, changed or given up your job, and you have a child. So you stay when you know deep down you should leave, because it seems too hard and you still want the life you'd planned for, the happy life as a family. You're not ready to give up on your dreams, you've already invested so much. Sunk costs fallacy (Google it).

Thing is, it only ever gets harder to leave because as time goes on you get more ground down by the abuse. Don't underestimate how quickly they can destroy you. 2 weeks after moving in I knew I'd made a colossal mistake. I made a bigger mistake staying to try to fix things. Within a year I was a walking zombie. It took me another 5yrs to leave and another 10yrs on top of that to recover. Don't be me.

If you remain with him you'll have no choice but to change because it will happen naturally. One day you'll snap and stand up for yourself because it will never end. When he said he will leave you next time you should have got a bucket of water and thrown it over him. He sounds like an unreasonable swine who wants his own way. Of course how he behaves is your fault and he will make sure you know it.

Step one: Talk to your mum

It's hard to take in.

I absolutely guarantee that he DID show this behaviour, it was just a milder form and it didn't bother you because it iddn't hugely impact you.

Small example:
Pre babies - he doesn't really like it when she goes out with friends/ goes to the gym. She thinks he's being a bit silly but she's sympathetic - his ex cheated/he had a really difficult childhood and has abandonment issues/etc. She can compromise - so perhaps she fits in gym at lunch and only sees friends once a week or cuts evenings short etc. It's no big deal. She chats with her friends online, sometimes he works late and she takes the gap to do things.. it's fine.

Then they have a child. Now suddenly going out is harder. She's exhausted. He's exhausted. She feels guilty. But he' sstill working. Perhaps he swings by the pub or goes to football a couple of times a week. She starts to realise she hasn't been to the gym or meet up with girlfriends without the baby in weeks. so she suggests an evening. He doesn't want to. he can't look after the baby. Or perhaps he doesn't understand how she wants to see her friends when they're both so tired they only have 1 hour a night together before they pass out from exhaustion. Why would she choose to see her friends? She's a mother now so what is she doing? It's a bit suspicious, is she out trying to prove she's still got it? Or maybe she just wants to bitch to her friends about how awful he is? Wow, she's a real piece of work isn't she? He works so hard, he's there for her, she has a baby but all she can think about is getting out drinking with her girlfriends. His mother would never behave liek this? None of his friends' wives are this shallow. he can' tbelieve that she thinks this is okay. she obviously doesn't care about his feelings - he's so insecure because she's always with th ebaby and he knows it's unfair but he can't help it, he misses her and he worries that now she's got the baby she'll leave him and .....

And the next thing, she hasn't been out in the evening for 6 months.

This. 🙄

It’s harder when you’re already emotionally invested though - it’s gonna be tough but I can get through this

It's only not an assault when the woman throws the water, if it had been the bloke, you been encouraging her to divorce husband.

Just caught up on the thread. It's always harder when you're in it, but when you're out, you'll be able to look back and see it all. I know it's so heartbreaking, there's a grieving process to go through. The awful truth is that the life and future you thought you had was an illusion, this was always going to happen and it won't get better because he won't change.

He knows he can threaten all sorts because he's been testing your responses all along and knows how far he can push it. He's now punishing you for reacting, and this might not be the end of it.

You need to talk to your mum and I'd suggest Women's Aid too, they can put you in touch with your local domestic abuse service who will listen and help you to leave. But please do this quickly, if he suspects you're making plans to leave things will likely escalate. His mentioning acid is very worrying and I'd guess deliberately threatening.

I think your first step is to speak to your mum. Are you able to pack up your's and baby's things and leave while he's at work? The safest way is to get out while he's not around, if you can, have someone with you just in case and tell him when you're safely away, or let him work it out for himself. WA will tell you all this, and more besides, please get in touch with them.

@Purplegurl as a PP suggested, look up DARVO, it was a real eye opener for me. Also, as you open up to people in your life, you'll discover just how many people have been through the same thing. I bet there's tonnes of support here on MN as well if you have a poke about. Good luck ❤

So he threw water on you before in bed but you are terrible to have done it to him? You do not have a marriage.

Except that he's thrown water on her before.

You were sleep deprived, new mothers that are constantly woken up every hour to feed the baby without any support are prone to fits of rage. You reacted to being abused. If he was awake enough to play loud music in your ear and prevent you from going back to sleep why couldn’t he go sooth The baby himself and let you rest. His behaviour has absolutely no excuse.

I think you need to do an exercise - put your child in your position and put someone who could be their partner in the position of your DH.
What would you advise the adult child to do in your position?

You are doing a lot and I really do mean a lot of excusing his behaviour towards you and your child. You apologise to him but he never apologises to you? That's not right. You mould yourself and your child around his moods and how he behaves - that's also not normal. You are so enmeshed in trying to please him that when you do finally snap this is the situation you find yourself in.

My advice is that you need to get your head in a much better and clearer place than it is now. To do this, you need to leave your H and move home to your parents place. It might be a short term thing or something more permanent but you need to do this NOW.

Can you pack a bag for you and your child and just show up at your mum's place?
Tell your H that you need time to process everything that has happened recently and in order to do that you need to move out. You will make your child available to him should he want to spend time but you're not going to come running to him if/when that might happen.

Then you can see if he does want to spend time with your child or not and that will help give you clarity on what your next steps would be.

This 🥺🥺 the accuracy

Nope. Try again. This is not what people are saying.

That poor wee baby 😳 both of you need to get a grip & start acting like parents.
Your child doesn't deserve to be in an environment like you're both creating.

Don’t.Talk.Shite.

You threw water on him? What a shame he didn't melt.

Nope. Not tit for tat. Abusive on his part (see OP’s updates this isn’t the first) and understandably reactionary on OP’s.