I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Why isn't there an option for 'thrown him and his fucking phone out of the fucking house permanently'?

😭😭😂😂hmmm 🤔 in hindsight…

Single parents manage to deal with babies on their own so this tit for tat behaviour is stupid

No. What’s stupid is the failure to realise that single parents don’t have to put up with shitty abusive behaviour from their partners. A lot of them will be single parents because they’ve escaped from shitty abusive behaviour. I think it’s you who needs to grow up.

🤧

I use the emojis to try and keep myself lighthearted. I don’t want to lose my sparkle

I get that but it does give the impression that you’re not taking this seriously.

Emojis don’t indicate anything. They’re emojis. Whether I put a “😂” or a “🥺” or even a “🤧” isn’t an indication of me undermining why I put this post on this platform. I simply wanted other perspectives on what had happened and perhaps solutions. If you think me putting laughing emojis on someone’s comment means I don’t take it seriously then it’s not my responsibility to convince you that I’m emotionally drained and seeking comfort from other perspectives online.

We ARE encouraging her to divorce her husband

Two things strike me in this scenario.

1. Child welfare concern: a man's baby is crying and his response is to turn on loud music? This is not a normal or caring response. I would be interested in his care of and concern for the child at other times. Yes, waking nights are difficult for both parents who are also working during the day (whether paid or unpaid), however this man's behaviour is worrying if he is more interested in scoring points/ punishing the mother than tending to a crying baby. It speaks volumes about his priorities.
2. Abuse red flag: it appears that this man has little to no understanding or empathy for the stresses pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding put on a woman's body and mind. His actions here show great disrespect for the mother of his child and show deliberate sleep deprivation with punishment of both mother and baby when he does not get his own way.

I wouldn't condone throwing water on someone, however in the middle of the night, tired and physically drained, and frustrated with this man-child, I think it's excusable. I can see why you're disappointed with yourself, OP, but remembering what those first months are like with a baby, I'd say maybe cut yourself some slack. It's HARD! Yours was a reaction to deliberate provocation.

I don't know if you have the bandwidth to cope with anything more than you already are, OP, but if you can, please think carefully about a) his behaviour towards the baby in terms of sharing the parenting load and his attitude to their welfare and safety, and b) look into/ research signs of domestic abuse. Erase your search history. Examine this in combination with his behaviour towards you (and baby). A decent percentage (I can't recall the exact figure but it's shockingly high) of domestic abuse starts after women have a baby. The relationship dynamic changes and some men respond to this by exerting control in some damaging ways.

If you see signs of abusive behaviours, now is the time to seek help. It does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship; there are perpetrator's support options that can turn behaviours around, if he will engage with them. Your GP/ Health Visitor should have details of local support options, including talking therapies/ mediation/ education that may help stop this in its tracks and improve your overall relationship. There will also be a record that you proactively tried to protect yourself and your child that could benefit you down the line if behaviours do not improve and you need to take further steps.

Bring in some close (sensible) females you trust for support; you don't necessarily need to tell them everything but it helps to have back up at a difficult time, someone who can advocate for you when you are struggling to speak up for yourself. Don't let embarrassment, guilt or shame make you isolated.

I hope I'm wrong about all this, OP, and what you describe here is a one-off. If not, there's information and support nationally at I need help - information and support on domestic abuse (womensaid.org.uk) and usually locally too.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Do you know how you lose your sparkle?
You stay with this person.

I guarantee that within 1 year you will have lost whatever sparkle you have. Without a shadow of a doubt.

You need to look after #1 and that is YOU and not your DH. If you don't look after #1 all the rest is completely incidental and you can't look after anyone else.

Please please take our advice at least till you get your thoughts straight.

I’m trying to think of the best scenario for me/kids. I’m not financially independent and rely on him for many things so I think that perhaps influenced me adopting this attitude because I don’t want to lose those privileges

This

The best scenario for your children is not to be raised in a toxic environment where their parents react to stressful situations by escalating, lashing out and threatening each other. But your children have no control over that. That is down to BOTH their parents.

By staying with an abusive partner you will be teaching your children that it's ok to be abused if you are a woman and that is ok to abuse if you are a man.
I grew up in a house like this, the patterns repeat on the next generation.
It's hard to leave but as the time passes it will be even harder and more damage will be done to you children.
It's not just about you, the longer you accept his behaviour the more damage it will be done to your children.
Your mother is right and she us worried about you and your baby, accept her help.
Wishing you all the best, believe me it's much worse to be middle aged and regretting a life wasted on an abuser.
Think of what role models you and him are to your child.

I’m disappointed for you that he didn’t just melt like the wicked witch of the west. He sounds like an absolute tosser. Next time try harder and drown him properly.

In all seriousness though he sounds abusive and you really need to re-evaluate the relationship because it’s an awful situation to be in especially as a vulnerable new mother. You know you shouldn’t have done it but everyone has their breaking point. Don’t sink to his level, leave and be free.

You may be taking comfort from other perspectives but there’s not much evidence that you’re taking the suggestions seriously because you seem to be making excuses for the abuse he’s dishing out. You have a child. You need to step up to advocate for, and protect them.

Those aren't privileges, those are your basic rights as his wife and the mother of his child. That's what he's relying on to keep you trapped and why he will try and isolate you from family and friends. It's part of the abuse. I'm guessing you have no access to money unless he gives it to you?

He blasted loud music because the baby wouldn’t settle? Who is this man?

Well you’d be wrong then wouldn’t you ? Look back through her posts and replies to the very sound advice she’s had here. She’s no intention of doing anything about her situation and is actively ignoring the fact that her family is concerned about his controlling behaviour, preferring to consider him ‘stubborn’. Why post for advice if you’ve already made up your mind that you’re going to stay and in the process teach your child that this is how adult relationships are ?

Thanks everyone for all your comments, whether critical of my actions/his actions or both , whether highlighting abuse or not, it’s definitely opened my eyes and highlighted many things that had perhaps gone unnoticed…at the moment physically leaving isn’t an option due to many factors, having young kids, finances etc. Plus I could move in with my parents but they’re house is just too cramped for me tbh…I don’t feel I should have to give up the comforts of my home, I mean, he could leave but the kids need him etc. So I’ve decided I’m going to just “mentally check out” and focus on myself/studies until I get to that place of knowing what to do…who knows, perhaps he’ll change within that time and apologise…perhaps not? Upping and leaving isn’t as simple as ABC.

Nope. Scroll through the thread and see the replies. No intention of taking any positive action. The immaturity is palpable and I feel sorry for the child.

I’m going to just “mentally check out” and focus on myself/studies until I get to that place of knowing what to do…who knows, perhaps he’ll change within that time and apologise…perhaps not?

And if not - your child should just learn to accept the abuse and hope it doesn’t fuck her up for life ?