I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Oh I don't think so. If you don't get it, then you've never had to.

And there we have it. No intention of doing anything. Mentally checking out and focusing on themselves. No mention of the child caught in the middle of two parents without an ounce of maturity between them.

Read the OPs last post and tell me I’m wrong.

I have. You're wrong.

OK then. I predicted she would do nothing and the child would be the last consideration. Given what she’s just posted where was I wrong ?

By mentally checking out, I’m referring to choosing to not be affected by his reactions. And if I choose to not be affected, I can put that positive energy into my kids and myself, ultimately becoming a better mother and a better woman.

Please get in touch with Women's Aid OP. They will understand exactly what you're going through and can find you the help you need. I know it seems impossible, but believe me you're in a way better position than I was, my family didn't even believe me. If you check out, he will just start on your kids. At least actually find out what help is available to you before you write it off.

If he can't get a reaction out of you, he will start on your kids. I've seen it happen. You will not get stronger, he will wear you down until you have nothing left to give. Then he'll probably fuck off with your kids and you'll have to fight to see them again. (Not my experience, but it happened to someone else I know) I'm ranting about this because I've seen where it ends and I want better for you and your kids.

If you are going to do nothing for now I suggest you are extremely careful not to risk having another child with him.

I wrote a post about a situation that occurred yesterday between my husband and I and many people have somehow deduced that he’s abusive. Okay, I’ve also deduced that there are reactions he sometimes displays that may be considered abusive, but that’s not the same as actually being an abusive person generally. There have been many good times too. That’s why it really confuses me.

That’s bollocks Most of the posts have advised you of what’s likely to happen if you stay. You’ve chosen to ignore them. So you’re choosing not to be affected - fine. But your child doesn’t have the luxury of mentally checking out. She needs you to advocate for her, and you’re not. At the risk of getting flamed by a certain poster I don’t think that makes you a better mother or a better woman.

Because most of society believes the opposite to you. She thinks she's doing the best for her kids by staying because that's what they have us believe. The set up for this situation begins at birth for women and the shit we have to navigate to free ourselves is purposely set up to make it feel impossible. I don't disagree with you in principle, but you need to work on your delivery because shame helps no one.

Nope, no flame. I can get behind this one.

sighs

No one should be ordering the OP to leave. That's just replacing the person who is controlling her. It's her decision whether she wants to stay or not.

I don't like the sound of this relationship any more than anyone else, but this is not a decision we can make for other people. But no one got the confidence to leave a bad relationship because someone else insulted them over it.

Sorry OP, but I'm with her on this one. Sticking your head in the sand is not the answer. You won't listen to your family, you won't listen to people who've walked this path before. So I'm just going to say this one last thing:

No one can give you permission to leave. You have to do that for yourself. When you can do that, THEN you'll be a better woman and a better mother.

Small children don’t have the ability we do as adults to “mentally check out”. They’re intuitive little sponges who are affected by what goes on in their own home, even if their mother puts on a brave face and a smile and makes sure they’re happy and relaxed when they’re with her.

They will notice the atmosphere their dad creates. My mum stayed. She was a bloody brilliant mother, in everything minus actually staying with my dad. If screwed us all up mentally because half the day was spent living as a “normal” family, then my dad would come through the door and we’d tremble in fear. I’m sure my mum mentally checked out, but 5 year old me couldn’t. I couldn’t put on the brave face my mum did, I was scared and cried. All the time. Another sibling resorted to yelling and ultimately as a teen, swearing at everyone in the house as a reaction to how uncomfortable they had become in their own house.

We all have issues as adults, because we witnessed the moods my dad would create at home. We all went through an entire childhood seeing my dad hurt my mum and never once apologising. That’s not a relationship to model to young kids.

I’m not saying it’s easy to leave tonight. But please make a plan now. One that doesn’t involve waiting years to see if he maybe changes or if you can buy him out. Brains develop most before the age of 7. Don’t let your children’s childhood be marred by living with such a father.

Although your and your partner's reactions were immature, is understandable that you reacted that way because you are exhausted, and his behaviour pushed you over the edge.
I am a bit surprised at some of the nasty judgemental comments by some of the MN's on this thread - how many of these critics of your behaviour would have ' calmly discussed the issue' with their partners ( assuming they still have any! The sanctimonious attitude they display in the thread would repel most living beings) when they are sleep- deprived, frazzled by the post birth hormonal fluctuations, running ragged devoting all their waking hours to their baby and their home, and dealing with an uncooperative man-child? Others say you should dump him, which is more utter BS.... To my knowledge, most young(ish) men are oblivious to the draining effects of pregnancy, birth, and the round the clock duties of their partners. They are also still immature, but that doesn't mean they can't LEARN. Your partner's reaction was immature and uncalled for and selfish, but he too may feel tired and overwhelmed and probably inadequate..and yes he acted like an arsehole and provoked your desperation and anger. When things calm down, have a civilised chat with him, find some support for a few hours from a family member who can responsibly look after the baby during her nap, so you can both just go out for a coffee..personally I think you both need support rather than the criticisms and judgemental bs that is being spewed forth by some angry people on this thread. If he is willing to listen and understand what you are going through, and if he can be honest enough about himself, then you can work things out. Remember -- throwing him out is a bit over the top unless he has hurt you and/ or your child; it will only pile more unhappiness and guilt and pressure on you, and anger on him. If you have both done something stupid, it can be fixed, if you are both willing to. 🩷

Thanks for this, really encouraging.

That's ok, I am probably old enough to be your mum, and that is why I'm telling you not to buy into the guilt and recriminating bs some of these Mumsnutters are trying to feed you. When people sit on a high horse and judge others, they usually have lots of bad things of their own to hide! You are surely bright enough to make a plan B and C for your life if you need to; for now, look after yourself and your baby first, don't argue or throw water, phones or shoes or anything at this guy. Prioritise yourself and your baby's health and well- being, and when you have gotten your health and your emotions stabilised, you can think about what you want to do about your relationship with him. Get your strength and your power back, listen to those who give you support and reassurance ( not the people who put you down) and most of all, look after yourself and your baby.. Jobs and partners and lots of things may come and go or change, but being a mother is lifelong. Lots of love and strength to you. 🥰

It's kind of impossible to do though. You will be affected. It's insidious and you won't necessarily recognise it's happening. Not even when you've become that shut down, switched off, shell of your former bright self.