Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

Because British people hate nothing more than what they perceive to be showing off - everyone’s very quick to try and cut down anyone who is beautiful (must have had work done), wealthy (clearly immoral or mean - probably both), popular (they’re a clique-y mean girl) etc etc etc.

it’s much easier to down play wealth here than be accused of being flashy.

We might appear well off to some people - DH has a good job, we have a nice house, many trips abroad each year. However we don't actually have much spare cash at all. We have really high outgoings. The holidays are to see family but cost many thousands a year because of where they live.
So yes in one sense we're very fortunate that we can afford a nice house and lots of trips - however if anyone thinks this means we must have loads of money to spare for other things, they'd be very wrong!

You are making a lot of assumptions.

Do you think she is doing same about you?

I presume you are not bleating about how others spend their money though, are you?
And would you maybe curtail a trip abroad to see family if it was either that or new shoes for your children? I know I would.

My Dsis and BIL are very high earners, but have hefty outgoings, thus they very much keep a close eye on their spending.
Dsis and I come from a very poor background, so I totally understand why, in some respects, she is very 'tight'/sticks to a strict budget.

"I can't afford it" often means "I don't want to spend my money on this." Different priorities.

She obviously is.

Which came first?

@placemats sorry for your loss.

My sister did similar at my brother's funeral. I bought the flowers she offered nothing.
I cared for our parents in my home, she had three holidays a year and brought a co op cake once a fortnight. She did no caring but expected to see my late father's bank statements.
I don't talk to her anymore.
We were on the bones of our arse when my dad died. She had no mortgage and grown up children. We'd lost all our savings due to me not being able to work.
If she needed an outfit she used to try to borrow mine. A nasty tight arsed madam.
I have also got a number of millionaire friends. As mean as cat poo.
One has sponged three breakfasts out of our group so far.

They don’t prioritise the same things as you, that’s all. They would rather do cheap food shops, non branded fashion etc and have more disposable income for holidays/cleaner etc. No right or wrong with either, just different 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like your sister has some die hard habitats which is her perogative.

I'm also in the mindset of keeping costs low as possible, it's just entrenched into me. My parents were the same regardless of when they were doing very well with careers in London. I think it's more a mentality thing.

I also have friends who comment on us going on holiday but spend a crazy amount of money each month on stuff which wouldn't DH and I wouldn't consider to be a necessary like a crazy amount of kids activity clubs (she has 2 they each do 4 classes a week!) But different horses for different courses and I just explain we live cheaply the rest of the time in order to go away and I'm very good at finding deals (which is very true!)

This is your sister. Why don't you just ask her?!

So sorry for your loss as well @Mrsredlipstick

Yes I have wealthy friends as well who when invited to dinner in my home, wanted to take the remains of the dinner back in a container which they wanted me to supply. I said no. Cheeky buggers.

As others have said m&S is cheaper than a lot of supermarkets for the basics. Sister isn't necessarily saving money. She's just being vocally judgy about op's shopping while spunking £££s on holidays/cars etc that OP can't afford.

You make it sound like the hefty outgoings are outside of their control. Obviously I understand that mortgage interests rate increases have hit many people hard and the general COL issues, but in many (most?) cases if you've chosen to have a large house, certain cars etc then of course you need to keep an eye on your monthly spending if you didn't leave yourself a large enough buffer to cope with those things.

I keep repeating this, but I do think if you are commenting about other people being able to afford new shoes for their kids and then you drive off in your new car to go on a fancy holiday, something's not quite right.

This is EXACTLY what going on I bet you. Husband controls the money, they're wealthy, but he doesn't give her much. Which is grim.

Because they save in those areas in order to afford the trips away? M&S IS more expensive than Aldi...Next IS expensive, and shopping in charity shops is obviously cheaper (and also, putting money back into charities who need it rather than expensive large chain brands isn't band either)...just saying.

@placemats
I'll give you a laugh 😂

I am off to see my millionaire friend on Thursday. She lives in a paid for £20m house. I will have to pay my half of lunch even though I am post chemo and currently not working. If I am pleasantly surprised by her genorosity I'll let you know.

I have friends like this, I'm a single parent and earn enough to have one holiday a year. So am fairly comfortable without being wealthy.

I think my friends assume I'm poorer than I am and make a big deal about them scrimping by and often starting conversations about how expensive stuff is. They send kids to private school, upgrade cars every couple of years, multiple holidays, so their "poor talk" just feels really patronising! I don't need reassurance that we're on the same level, I'm completely happy with my situation!!

She won't. Please keep me updated and congrats on being post chemo.

I'd be happy to pay for your upgraded lunch if I was a millionaire. Sadly I'm not.

I do have generous friends and they tend to be within their means.

Those who have money are extremely frightened of losing it. Makes me wonder if they're really happy.

She's your sister, you should feel able to raise the matter with her. I'd be saying something like -

'That's very pass-remarkable of you! Why do you always criticise how I spend my money, Mrs Big-House-Two-New-Cars-Lotsaholidays?'

But that's how my family roll!

Also, off the top of my head there are certain possibilities

1. They could be living beyond their means, regardless of how much her husband earns. This is always my first thought when there is a lot of conspicuous consumption going on. She could be up to her eyes in debt.
2. Her husband takes the line that as he earns it, he decides how it's spent; and he spends it on the flash status symbols whilst keeping her on a very tight financial leash .
3. She's tight as a duck's arse and proud of it: her comments to you are essentially stealth boasts.
4. You have the type of sister-relationship where she enjoys needling you and she's found that these comments do the trick.
5. She is clueless.

She's your sister, do you think any of these could apply?

M&S eggs £1.30, bread 75p, mature cheddar £2.50, butter £1.60, 4 litres milk £1.45, baked beans 35p, tinned tomatoes 39p, peanut butter £1.75, frozen peas £1.45, frozen sweetcorn £1.40, I know the price of all these things because I have so little money I need to know what everything costs comparatively everywhere I go and I also know that over time, special offers aside, m&S is consistently cheaper than any other shop for them, over the past few years.

However even with those small economies I can't afford to buy a new car. Or a house.

Years ago I worked in the M&S Food Hall, and you're right, there were quite a lot of everyday foodstuffs that were no dearer (and often cheaper) than the supermarkets. It was eye-opening to me.

@musingmondays She isn’t pretending to be skint.

She’s making comments that she wouldn’t spend money on certain things.

I think she shouldn’t comment.

I would never comment.

We all have different things we spend on if we have enough for it.

I have just spent £5 on a taxi to avoid a short walk in the rain.

I think it was about 20 minutes but I couldn’t face another 20 minutes of heaving an umbrella and shopping bag about. There’s been a lot of that this summer

But I don’t have things like holidays or haircuts. Cabs in shitty weather are definitely my thing! 😂

@HauntedBungalow I did not know that about M&S, I just thought it was expensive!

My parents are the same but without the nice trappings of decent cars etc. I have seen their bank balance (over a million) as my dad showed it to me ( he is quite poorly else would not have done) I know they have a few houses but they won't buy anything nice for themselves ever, only shop in the one pound charity shop or carboot sales. I tell them to spend their money but my mum says she is too poor to even go on a British cruise that my dad would love to go on. I get told off for frittering my money away if I go out for a meal but I think they need to fritter money as they are in their eighties but they won't.