Why do well-off folk pretend to be skint?

[musingmondays]

So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

I was shopping with her the other day and went into M&S to buy some sweets to take into work with me. All she could say was, wow this is so expensive, she’d never go anywhere but Aldi. I don’t know how true this is or not.

When we moved house, ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’

‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Some of the things she’s saying I question. She makes out as though she can stretch money very far and is very savvy. Maybe she can do. It makes me feel embarrassed and shamed when she sees me to be spending and comments on it because she knows we have less money. Both DH and I work decent, average-income public sector jobs so by no means rolling in it but just doing what I would call normal things.

Anyone any idea why someone might do this?

Don't go out with her then. Is anyone forcing you to go shopping with her? If not, be a grown up and either tell her honestly that she anjoys you, or just say you are unavailable everytime she wants to go shopping until she gets the hint.

It's different priorities OP, that's all.

I have a house and I have a ds in private school (on a scholarship).

But I'm a single mum, and outside of those two things I never buy food in M&S or Waitrose. I haven't had a holiday abroad since 2017. I don't drink or have takeaways, I cook from scratch, my car is elderly and I grow as much of our fruit & veg as I can. DS clothes come from Tesco or Matalan. I take packed lunch to work.

Money is tight because I choose to send DS to the school he wanted. Money will be tight until he finishes his A'levels in 2 years. My choice. I don't mind.

But I bet there are people in our road who see DS' school uniform and think I'm loaded. 😐

What everyone chooses to spend their money on is entirely their business.
I sound just like your sister right down to charity shops and Aldi. Although our sofa is an old reception one from my office🤣.
However I would never question what people spend their money on

BTW, not all wel-off folk pretend to be skint. Some are gloriously ostentatious, with their D & G bling, etc.
And not all poor-folk pretend to be rich, but some do. Would they be as annoying?

To avoid making other people jealous

Some well-off people stay well-off by being good with money. They save hard, spend carefully and don’t live the high life. Some people are rich but have higher debt levels than people with lower incomes than them. Your sister sounds sensible with money and it sounds as though this annoys you because it makes it seems as though you’re being frivolous e.g. buying food at M&S and a a new sofa

The only issue here is that your sister is persistently rude to you. She’s intrusive, makes personal comments and makes you very uncomfortable. For that reason, I would limit my time with her.

I'm curious about this too, when it's people who are genuinely well-off (i.e. they're not pretending, prioritising differently, looking like they're well-off - they actually ARE well-off but stingy).

My MIL is like this, she has plenty of money and no end of judgment as to what other people spend theirs on. And no, she's not saving for inheritances or nursing homes or anything special, she's all about her having the money and hoarding it.

Has millions in the bank but buys the cheapest possible budget meat, things like that.

'So, my sister is a SAHM and they don’t need to count the pennies. They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking'

A very big house generally equals a very big mortgage, multiple holidays cost money. It sounds like your sister has huge out goings on one household wage, however she prioritises experiences over things that don't last such as M&S food and childrens clothes. The things you are doing are what enables her lifestyle.
She sounds like a very sensible woman!

This.

She’s trying to be relatable. I’d tell her to knock it off.

Shit.....something's not right then. I don't spend money easily. I am not rich.

I wonder if there are other factors? 🙄

Maybe they can only afford all of those nice things because she saves money in other ways? Or maybe the nice things mean there's not much left at the end of the month. Save here, splurge there. We all have different priorities.

But I bet there are people in our road who see DS' school uniform and think I'm loaded

Of course they do. Because you are.

Tell her if she's that short of money, she might want to consider going back to work!

Sod that, why are you allowing her to often make you feel uncomfortable?

I would have to say something, like pointing out I can't spend what she does on holidays and housekeeping, etc.

Her implication that you are recklessly showering your cash around whilst she is oh so frugal and sensible is bullshit. She is kidding herself and trying to kid.you. For some reason your post has made me quite cross 😤

Don't let her continue to make you feel like this OP, say something!

They have a very big house, multiple holidays, multiple trips away a year, 2 new expensive cars, pay for housekeeping and dog walking

Sister says I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast

They don't buy their children new shoes? That's not being savvy with your money, that's putting their pets and material wants before their children. Or she's lying. Does she buy all their holiday clothes for their multiple holidays from charity shops?

It could be because she’s self conscious and worried about what other people think of her, so a bad attempt to appear relatable and down to earth.

Or they could have severe anxiety that has spread to actually believing they dont have enough money when in reality they are very secure. I know some people like this- they can buy nice things and own a nice house, have rich family and well paid jobs but still worry they could end up in financial ruin (so improbable it’s practically impossible). They talk about their worries, and say things like I only shop at aldi to save money. It’s partly down to mental health issues, but it is also fuelled by living in a bubble of entitlement and never actually needing to scrimp or save. Almost like a fear of the unknown.

Or, if she’s a SAHM there might be stress between her and her partner of him being the only breadwinner, and what would happen if he lost his job- she might be trying to be frugal in everyday life to protect against any possible sudden loss of income.

Would you prioritise having a dog walker over buying new shoes for your children?

At my mother's recent funeral my wealthy sister, no children retired and married didn't contribute to buying food and constantly complained about there being no food in mum's house.

Apparently I was supposed to get a huge shop in.

She brought in takeaways for herself. I took care of my mother's personal needs and she said she would treat me for doing it. Her treat was to offer to buy me a packet of crisps. I'm not joking 😃 I politely declined.

She also bought a new 'camper van' during my mother's rapid decline to death. It looks like a private ambulance to take away dead people.

Thankfully I will never meet her again.

She probably has a budget for that type of spending so they can afford what they choose to spend the rest of money on house/savings/holidays/monthly subscription to the local swingers club.

If she chooses to have a small budgets for day to day treats, to shop frugally for clothes that children soon grow out of, or save from a budget for a sofa instead of cutting back on holidays etc it is their choice.

She is not actually saying she is skint, she is saying she either doesn't have that amount in her budget or she wouldn't choose to spend money on that as she has it earmarked for something else.

Neither of you are wrong in your approach to finances, I am probably closer to yours (within reason), I wouldn't judge hers, but she does sound tiresome if she keeps commenting on it.

Oh, no! I didn't see the bit about shoes.

@Birdingbear "But if you say me 5 days later and I've been laid you might see me book winter trip for a week to Lapland or a trip to New York".

😄😄 at your typo.

I always find myself in a travel agents' after a good rogering!

Oh come off it.

OP says her sister said ’You’re lucky to buy a new sofa already, we had to save ages for ours’ and ‘You’re buying DC clothes from Next? Wow, I don’t know how you afford it. All DNs stuff is from charity shops. I’d never buy shoes new, they grow so fast’

Who earmarks new cars, a large house, pets and multiple holidays as a priority and then acts all shocked that others buy their children new shoes? Lots of money and no sense.

I had a friend who did this all the time. Very well off but always saying she had no money. I said to her one day “you do realise that you have plenty of money, it’s just that you’ve chosen spent it on things. Different things than those that I choose to spend my money on”. I didn’t say it in a cheeky fashion and it was as if it was a lightbulb moment for her as she hadn’t actually thought of it like that. Worth a try.

HA 😂