Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

Also - @PixiePromises you're coming across as very judgmental here. I would ask yourself why, if you've been friends for so long, she didn't feel she could be honest with you about this. It is interesting she has 'lied' but not for the reasons you seem to think.

HRTFT after page 1 but you are wrong OP.
I donated anonymously so my name wasn’t available to the public.
Just Giving then asked a further tick box- did I want my name to be visible to the person/cause I was donating to so they could thank me and I said no.
Your friend may well have donated and you wont know

Also this.

I'm sure she is sympathetic to the family tragedy - if she's not, that's terrible. But please don't put a financial component on that, it's not fair.

Have you raised money for this charity multiple times?

I only ask because I have a very close friend who fundraises for a worthwhile cause but it's a few times a year and sometimes if people have given once they don't want to over and over again.

Either way - it's her decision, just leave it.

I don't support any of my friends charities either. I'll sometimes give something for a raffle and I'll help with things but I don't give money. I can easily afford to.
I am involved with a local charity and help out a morning every week. I never ask other people to support it.
I give money to certain charities but, to be honest, I give less than I used to as I'm distrustful about a lot of them.
I like to support 'grass roots' local charities.
In the old days I'd always put money in collecting tins but that's when the colllecting tins were being held by little old ladies who were clearly volunteering.
I wouldn't dream of stopping for a chugger.
The salaries that some of the charity top staff get are ridiculous.
I've a very close friend who is doing a big sponsored event which involves travelling overseas. I love her dearly but I won't donate anything. She won't mind at all.

Ask to see her bank account from where she supposedly transferred the money

:)

How rude of you to raise it at all!
zI really hate this bullying to contribute to people’s hobby-horses -do you can preen about how much ‘you have raised’ for the charity.
People are being constantly chugged by these antics.
I would have far more sympathy if your friend posted here about her CF oldest friend chugging her.

No. If people get wind of you checking to see who's donated you'll find them dwindling in the future.

Surely this is a troll post? How very incredibly unreasonable of the OP. Disgraceful behaviour.

Should I say something?

Absolutely not. For all the reasons expressed by pps.

You are. Just stop before people swerve your fundraisers.

What a lovely noble thing to do @PixiePromises - to fundraise for a cause you are personally passionate about. Good for you. Genuinely 🤗.

However, one should never expect friends to share your enthusiasm for charity in equal abundance. Honestly, for many reasons, they may not wish to contribute and you should never hound them or guilt trip them into doing so.

The gracious thing to do is mention in passing what you are doing and that it's for charity and IF and only IF they ask for details so they can contribute, then share those details. Don't ram it home until they unwillingly submit - that's not fair.

That's the long answer.

The short answer is, just keep quiet and don't mention it ever again.

Maybe she gave directly? I do this so as to avoid people like you who like to keep tabs of whose donated and how much.
You sound like a awful friend for judging her on this esp given you've known her 40 years!

And if she didn't donate did you expect her to say so in front of a group of people who are all discussing how much was raised and great you are for organising it etc. She probably felt extremely awkward and tried to hide it by saying that.

YABVU.
I dont donate money to anything.

I'm sure it's not personal to you and to call out a friend of 40 years in public is shameful
Why are you so upset about this?

Perhaps she intended to donate and forgot. Or remembers donating when she didn't? If she's anything like me ....

I should add I don't donate to any charity simply because I can't afford it

You should not have questioned her at all and certainly not in front of others.
I have my preferred charities, maybe she does too.
Just because it's a charity close to your heart, doesn't mean she should feel the same.

But in all this, why did the friend say she'd donated when she hadn't? Why not just say nothing?
OK the OP should perhaps have let it go, but I'm not as sympathetic to the friend as many PPs.

Maybe she doesn't really believe in the charity or thinks there are more deserving charities, but didn't want to hurt your feelings.

You are absolutely unreasonable. What she spends her money on is not your business; if she is rich as Croesus it doesn't mean she should give anything to anyone.

Maybe she nodded and one of the others asked her if she donated so she felt awkward and said yes. She could have been kicking herself inwardly afterwards for all we know, maybe she was happy to donate but forgot, then knew that if she did so afterwards she would have been admitting she fibbed. The whole conversation sounds awkward as anything TBH.

She might well have her own charities she chooses to support. I do and don’t support others outside of this on the whole.

Peer pressure I guess. If they were all patting each other on the back for how much they’d donated she probably felt awkward as hell. Absolutely wrong to lie but I can see how she got caught up in it.