Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

How much money she has and how she chooses to spend it is absolutely none of your business OP.
You were extremely rude and presumptuous to challenge her.
YABVVU

My feeling is she said she donated to save face in front of the group rather than it being about you personally. From the tone it sounds like everyone was expected to donate because a friend was fundraising so it would have looked tight or bad to not have.

the real issue here seems to be from your second post

“I should have said earlier that she isn't short of money and is always buying new clothes, going on holiday, etc.

She is my richest friend, yet the only one not to donate - and she lied about it.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel a bit miffed!”

you seem to really seem be annoyed about is that your friend who you describe as rich and uses that money on luxuries or in frivolous ways has decided not to donate (then lied to not look bad about it) it sounds like you felt she should have donated and example her spending as a reason why she should have.

the truth donation should be voluntary but it has gradually become something people feel expected to do because they know the person collecting. This shift feels unfair and unnecessary.

I know it feels emotional for you because this charity is close to your heart but I think that has clouded your view.

Maybe she thought she had? So many times I go to do something but didn't!

I'm sure if any mistake was made, it wasn't from a place of malice.

You are not a good friend, you are acting like a blackmailer.

I have a charity budget and I donate to charities of my choice. I get really fed up of people who expect me to donate to their pet charity when I dont ask them to donate to mine. Some charities I wont donate to because I dislike the way they behave or have doubts about how they spend their money. I wouldnt be rude enough to say to a friend I think your charity is badly run or I have other priorities but if they were often trying to guilt me into donating they wouldnt stay a friend.

Worse than lying about giving to your friend's charity after a bereavement??

No.

@TheLadyOfTheFlowers "Worse than lying about giving to your friend's charity after a bereavement??"
Actually- yes.

Don’t be miffed, just drop it. She’s allowed to buy herself things and not donate to a friend’s sponsorship. You have no idea of her personal finances. I have to say my heart sinks when I’m ask to donate to yet another bloody fundraiser. It’s so awkward.

@Serencwtch Sorry to derail / hijack the thread, but I wonder if you're able and willing to share your concerns about the cancer charity sector? I've given to them in the past, as I expect many have, and wouldn't want to think the money isn't well spent. Do you feel that some cancer charities are better than others?

Yes it is worse. You don’t manipulate your friends and back them into a corner. That’s calculated behaviour designed to humiliate a person into getting them to do what you want them to do. So actually, that’s much worse and having a close bereavement doesn’t alter that fact and entitle you to behave poorly towards your friends.

The entire point is- you simply dont know, which is why its unwise to make assumptions, let alone negative ones.

Thankfully, I actually love my friends so I dont immediately jump to nasty, unpleasant conclusions.

Why don't you donate extra to make up for the % fee that the platform charge? JustGiving is expensive.

I work in the fundraising sector. Guilt tripping someone probably means they'll never donate to that cause again. You're indirectly causing reputational damage to the charity.

As a sector, we understand that not everyone will want to donate to a cause. Also, for most charities community fundraising (what you did) is only a small percentage of most charities' income. Most is raised through grants.

@PixiePromises

This woman doesn't owe YOU - or your 'cause' anything. The way you have behaved towards her, (and your attitude,) is appalling!

How you have managed to keep her as a friend for 40 years just baffles me truth be told.

100% this! ^

I’d feel the same as you OP. I guess when the charity means a lot (especially if it’s related to losing someone) it feels personal.

I did a charity event recently and felt very disappointed with the number of my friends who donated. I haven’t said anything but when one of them messaged me since asking me to donate to them - which I have many times before - I ignored it.

You can feel as miffed as you like but you can't take her to task over it. She certainly isn't obliged to donate to your cause as you seem to think.
She can buy all the new clothes and go on as many holidays as she likes with her own money and STILL not donate to your charity...and you just have to suck it up.

Questioning her in front of others wasn't cool at all. Don't be a pain in the arse about this stuff.

I only donate to my chosen charities, that’s it. Maybe she doesn’t support your charity & doesn’t feel able to say.

I suppose we can thank the OP for that really.

The thing is with these things, is all that happens is the fund raiser pressurises people to give, friends, family and colleagues, people,feel like they should, and some behave like the op, checking on people.

i guess that’s why charities let the raiser see who gave, so they can behave this way.

and the fund raiser feels good about themselves,like they achieved something k when all,they did was make folks feel guilty and to give,

Maybe she said it to save face. Maybe she thought that she had and that payment hadn't gone through (this has happened to me when paying on the phone using Just Giving), or maybe she intended to and then forgot. Life is busy and not everyone has the same priorities. Your particular cause is not likely to be her high priority just because it's important to her. Her finances are irrelevant, assuming that she is as well off as you think amd that your other friends aren't either. It's a bit immature to feel miffed about this after 40 years of friendship.

Of course worse.
And if she hadn't been put on the spot she wouldn't have had to say anything.

Ooh bad taste to query it. She isn’t obliged to donate, nobody is. I’m sorry you had a tragedy and well done for raising money but it’s not worth losing a friendship over.

You should not put her on the spot. You can’t force people to donate to your fundraiser. I also fundraise for a national charity and would never expect my friends to donate. It is a very personal thing.

In the big charities most of the money goes into generating more money. Head of fundraising on 100k employs cronies on inflated salaries with dubious job roles - innovation, PR etc. Its an industry in itself. The goal is always revenue & never the greater good

I detest the way that they try to create a hierarchy of worthiness eg Breast cancer better than lung cancer which is still better than mental health etc. Again to generate more revenue but also adversely affects other causes. They stab anyone & everything in the back for 'revenue'

The way they prey on people affected eg recently bereaved encouraged to fundraise in their lived ones 'memory' but in reality guilt tripping people into giving money but again doesn't matter as it increases revenue & bonuses.

I could go on. I would avoid them altogether & donate to local hospices, local charities working directly with people eg homelessness, SEN, elderly & vulnerable. The money goes to fund services that directly make a difference rather than fund an industry of overpaid pen pushers.

No. A friend ran a marathon for a charity I approve of so I made a donation. I made the donation directly to the charity, not via Just Giving which takes a %. So the charity got 100% of the funds, but it wasn't added to my friend's total.

Why are you hurt? My instinct would be to worry about why my friend wanted to save face, and to wonder if she had money worries. I wouldn’t have wanted to humiliate her by ‘querying it’ in front of everyone.