Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

This.

I'd have lied in that situation too, to save face and a friend's feelings. It was a horrible position you put her in.

Me too @DoreenonTill8 , I would feel so upset if I knew I’d be judged.

The virtue signalling is strong on this thread. Sounds like most of the previous posters think they are rivalling Mother Theresa with their generosity to their small, local, carefully chosen charities. Would love to see the cold, hard reality. Expect its similar to OPs experience. Middle class hot air.

You should not be calling people out. Nobody should feel compelled or obliged to give to their friends favoured charity, no matter if they've known them 40 years.
You raised plenty, those that wished to donate did so. She either didn't want to, couldn't afford it or forgot. Don't embarrass her.

What did you do to fund raise can i ask? I know a lot of hardcore runners that womt donate to peiple who are doing sponsored walks etc as they feels like they're not really putting enough effort in. I also know vegans who wont donate to the major cancer charities becasue of animal testing etc. I personally won't donate to charities that heavily use chuggers. I also know people that find animal charities not to their liking and prefer to donate to charities for humans. Equally i know people who will only fundraise for childrens charities. I know people who disapprove of all the dog rehoming from romania type charities because they thi k it perpetuates suffering in those countries.

I suspect sonething like this is going on here and she was trying to protect your feelings. Did you consult her wjen you decided to fund raise for this charity to see what she thought of it? No, of course you didnt, so her donation is not mandatory.

I didn't realise that the fund raiser could see who anonymous donations were from either.

I'm another who will no longer be using the platforms.

I am afraid I feel it is unreasonable to feel "miffed".

Out of curiosity, how much have YOU donated, OP?

What did you do, beyond setting up a donations page?

Maybe look up Mother Theresa’s ‘charitable’ endeavours before throwing her around as a good example.

OP, I think your air of ‘gotcha!’ comes across as deeply unpleasant. It’s possible that the family tragedy that has spurred you to fundraise for this charity has blinkered you. Your friend nodded along, you challenged her, she lied, and you didn't like what you found out. That’s mostly on you.

Also it may not be a lie.

Close friend could have any number of things going on in her personal life and genuinely think that she had donated.

People are being really weird in responses here.

OP has said it's the LIE that's bothered her, NOT the fact the friend did or didn't donate. She says this clearly in the OP:

"I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me."

Stop calling her 'entitled'. She wasn't expecting anything. It's the fact it wasn't true.

And when I ran a fundraiser, I noticed names of close friends/people I knew when they donated because you get an email every time. Not that ridiculous to notice.

People love a pile on on here, especially when a few idiots people have completely misread the OP.

So, slowly:

IT
IS
ABOUT
THE
LIE
NOT
THE
ABSENCE/PRESENCE
OF
A
DONATION.

(Phew. That felt good! Think this heat is getting to me - excited for all the "you okay hun" and other assorted overused passive aggressive replies. They will really get to me I promise and you are very clever and original 😜)

OP, I'm sorry for your family tragedy. I think it's colouring your views here

Many people choose which charities to support, and these may not include charities that are important to you

Or, they intend to support but don't get round to it

Think carefully, what would be gained by challenging / querying your friend again about this? Hint = nothing at all. She lied. You know that. She knows that

OP went on to say

She is my richest friend, yet the only one not to donate - and she lied about it.

Not just about the lie I think.

"OP has said it's the LIE that's bothered her, NOT the fact the friend did or didn't donate."

Yes we got that 🙄. She's still out of order. She doesn't seem to make any effort to care why her friend might've felt the need to lie and then goes on to say how fucking rich she is! Absolute nerve of it.

I've got lots of money but there's no way on earth I'd donate to certain charities. I'd tell a white lie to spare my old friends feelings, or do you think the friend should've piped up with "oh I don't support X because they X" and start slagging off the charity?

You caught her out in a white lie. I think we've all lied to save face, and perhaps she told herself she'd donate later.

I don't support ANY of my friend's favourite charities as I prefer to support my own. And I go on 2-3 holidays a year and have spare money. It's my choice, I'm not giving unless I know the charity and it's on my list of 3-4 charities I pick every year to support. Some charities are shockingly bad, poorly run and go against my ethics. Do I really want to be discussing this with friends who will blindly carry on supporting them regardless? Noooope

No. She likely either forgot but doesn’t want to admit it or she can’t afford to donate but doesn’t want to admit that.

YANBVU, there are some charities I wouldn't donate to even if I was a billionaire and it was close to my friend's heart. mermaids for example.

I don't think people should leverage their personal experiences to try and get families, friends and colleagues to donate to a particular charity. This is becoming very common in the workplace. It's usually well-meaning but xcan cross over to emotional manipulation by accident.

Refuge is 'my' charity for very personal reasons but I would not dream of using my own personal experiences as an expectation that others would donate to Refuge.

You are. I'm sorry, but you are.

It's her choice what she donates to. You've got no idea what else she's donating to, or why she chose not to.

I don't donate to fundraisers like this, because I have about 5 friends at any one time fundraising, and once you've sponsored one, you've got to sponsor them all. It's probably end up being £100 a month on random contributions to charities that mean a lot to my friends.

If she's very fluid with money, it's also very possible that she intended to donate and didn't. I've often put an amount in and then not had a card nearby. I set myself a reminder to go back and donate, usually, or someone will say something that reminds me, but I'm sure I've missed some that I think I've contributed to.

Regardless, it doesn't matter. Her friendship with you shouldn't be dependant on her donating to your fundraiser.

You've already called her out on it in public. Let it go now.

She might have donated directly to the charity, or maybe she donates to other charity’s that are close to her heart. You just don’t know so I wouldn’t turn it into an argument.

This is the reason I don’t give to JustGiving pages… the pressure to donate and the judgement when you don’t. I have a number of charities that I donate to regularly, that I have researched and am satisfied that they use the money appropriately. I resist any pressure to donate over and above that.

Me too - I volunteer for two local charities (which are properly local) and I also send a small amount each month to a charity that I have chosen

I dont ask anyone to donate - I occasionally do send out an update / awareness links on my social media, but i dont ask anyone else to get involved.

She's prob trying to spare your feelings
I despise the whole cancer charity sector having worked in it & would not want any of my money going to them. If a good friend especially if they were bereaved was fundraising for one then I would avoid giving money but would keep it to myself & not discuss the reasons.

Why does the friendship depend on her making donations?

You haven't said what the charity is and if it's a medical one I suppose it would be hard to argue what she could object to, not that someone is ever OBLIGED to contribute to your cause.

But my PIL bought us charity cards every year for a charity I don't support.

I've been requested to donate to others in the same vein (political/religious/social bent or some other factor.)

I often don't want to go into it, especially if someone's just run 26Km etc.

YOU may think it's a great cause, she may feel differently or have other priorities.