Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

Given your (total over)reaction I can see why she fibbed.
She didn't say she donated, she was nodding along with others discussing it and you put her on the spot. Of course she lied as you were deliberately trying to make her look bad. That's often a ploy used by chuggers etc to guilt and shame people into donating, because otherwise they don't care about starving children, cancer patients etc.
Personally I'd rather not donate to more fat cat charity bosses whose enormous wage means the charities involved get a pence or two for every pound donated.
If I was your friend I'd be just as upset at your behaviour. You are at best a frenemy.

That reminded me of what happened to me a while back. I was working with a woman who was very active at her local church- she was one of those judgy type who used to put people down in the name of Jesus.

Her church somehow set up an charity to redecorate their chapel- they were building a new altar (not quite sure how that was even allowed. It wasn't a justgiving thing, it was actually registered as an official charity).
I refused to donate and I got so much flack for it- still remember her shocked face when I said no though... 😆

OP you did an awful thing by calling her out in public.

As others have said, there may be many reasons why she didn't donate. A donation is voluntary.

Lots of my friends run marathons etc. I can't afford to donate to them all so I pick and choose. I also have direct debits set up for charities close to my heart (BHF, Alzheimers, Amnesty, RNLI) plus I sponsor a child in Nigeria. I don't explain any of that when I'm asked to donate, I just don't donate. And if any friend challenged me on why I'm not donating, they wouldn't be a friend for much longer!

Maybe she isn't invested in the charity you chose to support.
There are lots of coffee mornings held for a well known charity, that I don't support due to the supposed care they gave a friends parent, but "everyone" else seems to think they are a wonderful charity.
Just because you are friends doesn't mean you have to agree/like/support the same things.
If you are friends, leave it but if you want drama keep niggling over it.

What a cheek checking up what everyone donated. Do you have a league table of who was most and least generous? Just because you could check who gave what doesn't mean you should.

Completely out of order questioning her and checking all of the donations. I won't be using these platforms again OP now you've enlightened me so thanks. I can't believe the anonymous donations are not! Wow.

There are charities I'd never ever donate to but I'd tell a fib about it if I thought it would spare a friends feelings.

It was a silly little unimportant fib to, I assume, stop her feeling pressured in a group setting or to stop you going on about donations.

Anyone who puts any pressure on friends to donate to charities close to THEIR hearts is poor form. You might not have felt you were, but why else would she feel the need to lie? She had little alternative, I can’t believe you confronted her over it by saying you didn’t see her donation.

Let it go and reflect on why she felt singled out and had to say something, and not being so pushy when you ask for donations. Ask once and don’t put people who do not wish to donate in an awkward position.

you owe her a genuine apology.

I only give to specific charities. I don't know why you would take that personally if I was your friend. It's not about you.

OP I'm kind of with you. If she didn't want to put in fair enough but she didn't need to say she did if she wasn't directly asked and it sounds like she wasn't directly asked. I wouldn't push it especially in front of others but I can see why you're annoyed.

I also agree no one should be pressured to put in for charity though. You never know what she's doing and giving that you don't know about.

This contradicts what you said in your OP where you said it's not about the money.

People choose what they give to - you should not have pressured her by questioning her.

There could be multiple explanations here. Maybe her and a friend both put in money but it came from only one friends name and she gave her the cash. Maybe she donated directly to the charity to avoid go fund me admin costs, maybe she thought oh shit I forgot and is going to do it later.

You shouldn’t have queried her about it- you put her on the spot in front of others so of course she’s going to lie. She’s hardly going to say I forgot I’ll do it later or no I haven’t donated as then she’ll be worried people will be judging her exactly as you are you are doing right now which exactly highlights the pressure to lie in these circumstances!

I also find it odd you are going through checking the list as if this is some kind of league- are the people who donated the most at the top now?

If she has been a good friend to you for 40 years I think it’s really sad something as small as this could lead to a challenge from you. If she was supportive to you after what happened why isn’t that enough?

you queried it publicly? That's not kind.

If it's that important to you to "say something",
then do so.
Simple.

Social compliance , probably played a part too, your friend probably didn't want to say " no I didn't donate to @PixiePromises charity , beacause it's a crappy run charity and they waste money etc etc" or whatever their opinion is on that charity.
They probably didn't want to cause "a thing" in your social group

You can’t equate money/donations with love/kindness/friendship. That’s not fair and they aren’t the same thing.

she may simply have forgotten.

If she’s been there for you for 40 years be grateful you have had a good friend that long.

is it worth falling out over a £10?

And remember we all have different relationships with money and how we feel towards it. What we spend it on or not.

Please don’t judge your friend.

@PixiePromises Can I ask which fundraising platform gives the fundraiser the individual names? I thought anonymous was just that (would not want people to know I donated).

I assume you can only see your small part of the national charity fundraising?

When a family member was getting donations to a national charity for a funeral instead of flowers, I donated directly to the charity, not through their specific fundraiser, it just said donations to x charity, so I did. Afterwards I found out there was a page set up under the funeral director, but I had no idea at the time. If they checked up like you have they would be assuming I didn't donate and hating on me! It's a minefield.

Exactly. Many folk have CAF accounts, so they can donate through that. I make charitable donations via DH name, as he can reclaim.the tax and sometimes up to 75% of the donation (so we can donate more). Obviously directly with the charity.

If I'd been one of your friends hearing thus, that would be the last time I'd donate. I used to run crowdfunding drives; no way would I ever acknowledge any donations other than through the actual platform, even if they were friends of mine.

I don't think it was weird or rude to query it. If the OP hadn't seen she had donated then she won't have thanked her.

I'm glad you've raised the fact that anonymous donators are not actually anonymous. I've donated anonymously in the past, sometimes where I've given a fiver and I can see others giving £20 and I don't want to look mean. There are a lot of people asking for charities understandably close to their hearts, and only so much money I can spare.
Now I won't give at all if I am not prepared to put my name.
Some friends of mine did an event for a charity recently. We were all talking about donating (I did) but it was only when I got home that I realised that I had donated directly to said charity and not through the friend's link. If my friend "called me out" on this by asking about my donation, I would be mega distancing myself from her. Now I am tempted to raise this with her (2 months later!) in case she did comb through all the names and is wondering about my donation.

I'm going to offer something that probably doesnt make sense but its how I feel.

My mum died of cancer when I was a child. When I was growing up she was ill a lot and I had a lot of fear that she would die and she eventually did. It marred my childhood and caused a lot of pain that I probably haven't fully processed. She never got to see me get married, have my own kids etc and that is something that haunts me every day.

Ever since then, I cannot bear to see cancer charities advertise on tv, I have to switch them off. Dont get me wrong- I love what they are doing and I do support their work but I cant look at them, engage with them or go to their websites. It just triggers something so painful in me that serves as a reminder of what I have lost. It's like I cannot bear to have anything to do with them. I know that doesnt make much sense but grief often doesnt. Engaging with them would almost be like acknowledging that she's really gone and facing up to what happened. If someone asked me about it, I would lie too because going into my reasons are just too painful and difficult to express. Its something I am considering looking at in therapy but just to perhaps offer a different, very personal reason why someone might find something like this difficult if the issue the charity deals with has ever touched their life. Its not always about pure selfishness.

What a rotten way to treat your oldest friend - challenging her in public about her charity donation!

Maybe she gives to other charities, maybe she doesnt agree with the charity you were raising for, maybe she doesnt do charity.

You were rude and should not have asked.

OP probably expects at least £20 !