Oldest friend caught out in a lie...

[PixiePromises]

I've known this friend over 40 years and we've been supportive of each other's ups and downs over the years.

I did some fundraising recently for a national charity very close to my heart following a family tragedy.

A small group of us were out last night. They were commenting on how much had been raised and she nodded along, saying she had put some money in. I queried this as I don't remember seeing her name. She told me it was an anonymous donation and I left it there.

The thing is if you opt to be anonymous on the fundraising platform, then your name is only hidden from the public. I set up the page and know exactly who all the donations are from and she definitely isn't one of them!

I do understand that not everyone wants to give money and of course that's their choice, but for this friend to deliberately lie about it has really hurt me.

Should I say something?

Why in God's name were you rude enough to ask her about a donation in the first place ?!! No wonder she was flustered and blurted out a lie.
Drop it !

@PixiePromises wait till the daily mail or similar pick this thread up, what a way to ruin a 40 year friendship! (Actually probably a friendship group, who needs enemies when this is how you treat your mates? )

@Serencwtch thanks, that's interesting

I think the fact you are not taking on board the vast number of people saying you were wrong says it all really.

It doesn't matter how much money she has or what she spends it on. She chooses how she spends her money not you.

I guess for you the friendship is now over, but that is your doing, not hers.

I didn't realise that the fund raiser could see who anonymous donations were from either

No, That's an eye opener. It's likely to discourage me from donating on this platform again.

It must only be if you tick the box consenting to your info being shared with the fund raiser. It should be clearer though that means the person setting up the page not the underlying charity.

It would otherwise be a massive GDPR breach to advertise this as anonymous but share the data and I can’t believe any of the big fundraising platforms actually do that!

Whether she's your oldest, richest friend or not, you're in the wrong to call her out on it.

It could be that she gives to other charities and prefers to do that.

This!!! Come on OP! It’s a tiny white lie to save face. Don’t judge.

Not worth losing a friendship over something so trivial

I sort of see where you are coming from, she’s been caught in a lie to save face, but it’s difficult because you also challenged her in front of a group on a night out (not good either).

I think if this was a one to one conversation and she lied that would’ve been different. If she’s as good a friend as you say, you should be able to discuss this with her, but I’d start by apologising for putting her on the spot.

No, let it go. I’ve done a lot of fundraising too for a cause close to my heart and I’ve had the same thing happen. It really is up to people who they donate to and if she chose to lie, well she’s got to live with it.

For goodness sake she said something she shouldn’t have because she was embarrassed that other people had donated and she hadn’t! Unfortunate but not completely unforgivable! Everyone has their foibles, please don’t say something and spoil a long friendship.

Oh but it IS unreasonable! Whether she has money or not, you absolutely had no right to query her when she didn’t donate. How rude of you! It is entirely her choice as to whether she wants to donate or not, and she certainly doesn’t have to clear it with you first. I was surprised to read this post. I think you are lucky if she is still your friend'

I think you were incredibly rude. It wasn't obligatory and she shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not contributing. As others have said perhaps she couldn't afford it or hadn't got round to it. She may just not have wanted to or have her own charities that she donates to.

If you were a true friend you wouldn't have pulled her up on it

I hate the whole sponsor me thing. It’s so hard to say no. I’m very careful about what I donate to so it fits with my values. I never ask for donations. I’ll let people know I’m doing something and only if the specifically ask to sponsor me I give details, otherwise I donate the money myself. Please don’t ask further. You shouldn’t have questioned her in the first place or asked IMO.

I am sorry for you loss and well done for fundraising for a charity connected to it.

However, No, do not embarrass her. There may be any number of reasons she could not donate at this time. Or maybe she meant to and thought she had. maybe she gave money to the wrong charity! Whatever, do not mention it again, or tell your other friends what you have done in checking up as it doesn't look good. Please move on.

She is not obliged to donate and she would have felt Self conscious admitting she hadn’t done so. I give to charities of my choice, when I choose too.

Sorry for whatever it is your family have been through, but you shouldn't be putting pressure on people to donate - and consider calling them out when they don't. Wtf? Times are hard enough.

There could be lots of reasons…..she thought she had, she forgot, she can’t afford it. Why would you embarrass her by calling her out, does it really matter?

No you shouldn't say anything. And you shouldn't be putting so much pressure on people to donate that they need to lie about it.Awful., you sound more than a bit controlling. Maybe she is fed up bring told what to do.

Maybe she meant to but it slipped her mind and then felt embarrassed when you asked? I've done this before and then donated later!

If it's a charity close to YOUR heart, put YOUR own money in, and stop pressuring / judging other people.

No

No