Why am I so rude ?

[aduckandafishwenttosea]

I'm generally not a rude person. I usually avoid conflict and am a people pleaser.

However the last year or so I find myself not coping in shops and inadvertently being rude to staff. I don't mean to be. Is it being rude or having a meltdown ?

example:
I go to the supermarket. It's busy and the item I want is either out of stock or moved location. I've already had to queue to get into the car park and then queue to park. So I'm a bit urghh already by the time I get into the shop.

my reaction: I start loudly saying to myself how shit the shop is, people around me can hear. I then go on a hell bent mission to find the item (if moved), I cant gently start trying to find it, I take it personally that the item has been moved, just to make my day/time as hell as possible. I might ask staff if they have hidden the item for a laugh or eaten it all (this is said - and meant - in a jokey way but has been taken in a rude way before). By this time I am boiling over with rage and anger and potentially in full meltdown in the shop.

What is wrong with me ?

I take everything personally, like it's purposely done to make my day hell. I went to get petrol the other day. I queued for ages, got to the pump and opened my petrol cap on the car. It was pay at pump only and the card machine was not working. I spoke to a worker who suggested going to a different pump. But to do this, as I was at the very front pump, I would have to leave the garage and go and get in the queue again. I had already waited 15 minutes. I drove off in a huff, not realising the petrol cap was still open. Cars were beeping me to try to tell me but I didn't realise. When I did realise I was stopped at a junction, some kind person walking past put the cap back on for me and I was shaking the rest of the way home.

Firstly, it's great that you are acknowledging your dickish behaviour.

Secondly, if you've only been like this for a year, what else has changed in your life that might be a factor?

Re the petrol pump, could you not have just paid in the shop?

Why are you doing so much queueing to get in and out of supermarket car parks and petrol stations? Wouldn’t it be worth your while choosing quieter places and/or times, seeing as you recognise this queueing contributes to your episodes of temper? Either way, it sounds as if you need therapy if you genuinely can’t control your behaviour.

I find when my anxiety is bad, I start getting very frustrated with every day annoyances like slow walkers, people stopping in doorways and at the top of escalators.
Is it possible you are suffering from stress or anxiety?
CBT helped me.

Re "might ask staff if they have hidden the item for a laugh or eaten it all" - could you not just ask them where the Calm The Fuck Down Dear is kept?

Do you realise you're being a dick while you're doing it, or does it not occur to you until later? (Not meant to be rude or provocative, genuine question!)

Extreme reactions both ways

People pleaser v so cross drove round with petrol cap off

You would do well to find balance.

If you can start with, will this matter in 6 months? If not then try to just accept they this is what is happening right now.

Can I ask how old you are?

@FetchezLaVache it was a pay at pump only and I was told I couldn't pay in the shop. It turns out that the card machine was probably not faulty but rather my credit card does not allow pay at pump and I have to ring the card company to approve/set up for pay at pump. I didn't even know that was a thing !

Why is nothing ever easy.

I really don't know what has changed. I have become VERY impatient and intolerable and inflexible. Yet I still people please (would love to change this) and put up with other peoples continuous requests for favours etc.

I try to stay away from shops etc during peak times and go when it is much quieter/

@Savoydone I'm 51

How old are you? I got very angry before the menopause started.

The only time I'm ever like this (and wildly regretful afterwards) is when I have something really shit going on. For example when my son was in hospital and I'd been with him for a week (hadn't left the hospital) and my mum took over for a night so I could go home and sleep. Went to shops, petrol station, friend popped over and I think I was mildly rude/snappy with everyone. I'm not a rude person. I just didn't want my son to die and felt very out of control. I imagine it was a stress response.

Have you had a particularly stressful year?

P.s. son is fine now!

It sounds like you live in a very hectic place which can’t help stress levels.
Tackle the things you can change , maybe grocery shop online.
Fill the car early morning or later in the day.
I think it’s when more than one thing goes wrong, you feel as if you’re in a chain of events working against you.

Yes, I would be interested to know if there was any change to your personal circumstances that has initiated this change in behaviour? Or have you just noticed it in the past year.
I became a little like this during/after covid after becoming anxious/depressed after our family's financial situation being hit very hard as a result of the pandemic/job loss etc. I had much less patience for anything and could flip like a switch.
I did notice the more I felt the world was against me, the more it transpired to be - I notice that in my friends behaviours too sometimes.
I have had counselling and have been given coping mechanisms and breathing techniques for when this sets in - I have to say they do work. eg. Think of five things you see, four things you can smell, three you can hear etc. or else breathing in for 8, hold for 8 and release for 8 etc.
These worked well for me - also exercise is a good way of getting frustration out, reducing caffeine and staying hydrated. I can only tell you what I noticed making a difference. Good luck.

Menopause is a distinct possibility.

it was a pay at pump only and I was told I couldn't pay in the shop

To be fair, that it very annoying, especially when you've queued for 15 mins to fill up.

Are you burnt out? At my worst I sounded like you and it was a reflection of being totally overwhelmed at work. Turned into a completely different person (and hated myself for it)

My friend and I were both very angry/reactive before HRT......

What have you done to try and change your behaviour in the past year? It’s because of people like you being unnecessarily abusive that retail work can be miserable and stressful.

It may well be menopause related but you should really consider changes to your habits, such as reverting to online shopping if you can’t control your temper.

The flipside of peoole-pleasing is often simmering resentment. I imagine the two are related in your case, but you’re expressing your rage at completely blameless shop assistants. Therapy.

That's not a meltdown. It's simply rude and entitled behaviour and given that you're aware of it you have a responsibility to rein it in.

Sounds like stress, or burnout, or hormonal imbalance or a combo of these! Changes in overall mood like this can be alarming and stressful. I'd suggest speaking to a gp in the first instance but for a more immediate solution try and do something that relaxes you. I understand that it's hard though, especially if you're working and busy. I am aware how wanky this sounds but I find swimming helps calm my mind (not wild swimming though - too bloody cold!)

It's great you can identify this and I hope you can find a way to feel better/calmer.

I would say menopause. HRT helped friends with this issue. I am 49 and I recognise some of the things you say in myself, I am a lot stroppier than I used to be - I got into a passive aggressive conversation with a till person in Tesco the other day because when I asked for cash back he said how much? I said £60, and he said "no". Not "Sorry it only goes up to £50", just "no".

This got my back up so I started with "Oh - what if I buy another item? Can I get more cash back then? What if I go away and then come back? How would you know I had been here before? What's the gap there has to be between cashback withdrawals? An hour? 12 hours?"

I recognised on the way home that I was being a dick (although so was he) and this is new behaviour for me...

I hate jumping to menopause as the reason for seemingly everything. But it kinda sounds like it could be.