Why am I so rude ?

[aduckandafishwenttosea]

I'm generally not a rude person. I usually avoid conflict and am a people pleaser.

However the last year or so I find myself not coping in shops and inadvertently being rude to staff. I don't mean to be. Is it being rude or having a meltdown ?

example:
I go to the supermarket. It's busy and the item I want is either out of stock or moved location. I've already had to queue to get into the car park and then queue to park. So I'm a bit urghh already by the time I get into the shop.

my reaction: I start loudly saying to myself how shit the shop is, people around me can hear. I then go on a hell bent mission to find the item (if moved), I cant gently start trying to find it, I take it personally that the item has been moved, just to make my day/time as hell as possible. I might ask staff if they have hidden the item for a laugh or eaten it all (this is said - and meant - in a jokey way but has been taken in a rude way before). By this time I am boiling over with rage and anger and potentially in full meltdown in the shop.

What is wrong with me ?

I take everything personally, like it's purposely done to make my day hell. I went to get petrol the other day. I queued for ages, got to the pump and opened my petrol cap on the car. It was pay at pump only and the card machine was not working. I spoke to a worker who suggested going to a different pump. But to do this, as I was at the very front pump, I would have to leave the garage and go and get in the queue again. I had already waited 15 minutes. I drove off in a huff, not realising the petrol cap was still open. Cars were beeping me to try to tell me but I didn't realise. When I did realise I was stopped at a junction, some kind person walking past put the cap back on for me and I was shaking the rest of the way home.

Everything everyone else has said

Plus: modern life is incredibly frustrating, way more so than 20 years ago

Nothing fucking works, everything is endlessly annoying and or complicated when you go out and try to do something

I spent 30 minutes attempting to make a car park app work last week. I'm completely technically competent but it just kept timing out until a woman walked past and told me the app didn't work IN THAT SECTION OF THE CAR PARK - she pointed to an internet blocker on a roof !

There are not enough staff on in shops because big retail just want money for their shareholders at the cheapest possible cost - my sister works in retail and she had her hours cut leaving 2 members of staff on in a whole massive Hobbycraft on a Saturday

If you couple that with how much harder we have to work now just to keep a roof over our heads - I've got 2 jobs, Dh had 3. 15 years ago I had one job ! And could afford to live

MODERN LIFE HAS SOME VERY SHIT BITS

Not sure of your age but I can say that I became absolutely vile at times when I was in Perimenopause, was completely aware I was being unreasonable but couldn't help myself. Thank the heavens for hrt!!

If my H was being a rude knob I would tell him to pack it in and then ask if there was something we could work out to help the stress levels.

Have you talked to your H about how you are behaving to service staff?

While peri might be at play here. I think there’s other things at play.

You feel like a people pleaser, are quite busy. Instead of getting annoyed at yourself for not asserting yourself or annoyed at people who keep putting more and more stuff on you, you are taking it out on people you can get away with taking it out on.

Your frustration is building up and you let it surface in an environment you feel fairly confident, the other person won’t bite back.

It is punching down. You can’t/ won’t stand up for yourself. People don’t recognise how much you have on so you take it out on someone less likely to argue back.

Regardless of the reason why, I find it extremely telling that you seem to only do this to shop staff.

Because you're well aware they're an easy target, and there's no repercussion for doing it, like there would be if you did it to a randomer on a street, who may well give you what for. You're a bully, with cowardice to boot, because you won't do it to folk who might actually retaliate. Regardless of the reason why.

I actually hope you do this to the wrong person one day.

Menopause, peri, anxiety, stress - whatever. Plenty of people who work in customer service suffering the same problems, that manage to keep a lid on it.

Here's hoping you meet your match with a member of staff who also has similar problems, and give you a taste of your medicine. It would be 100% your own fault.

Sorry not sorry - can't stand people who take their problems out on service staff. It's about as horrid as you can get. On the plus side, people who do this, make a complete show of themselves in the shop - all other customers exchanging looks,, rolling of the eyes, shaking their head etc. We've all seen it.

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster Could be the start of perimenopause, I turned very angry, happy to say hrt has helped immensely.

I just quietly seethe now.

Thank you! This so made me laugh ( on a Tuesday that feels like a Monday)

' quietly seethe' 😂 😂 FABULOUS description!!

I understand your frustrations at the world and it is 100% justified, believe me. But it doesn’t help anyone by taking it out on female retail workers who are also shafted by the system. If they are male then by all means let loose, they should be shouldering the burden, but please don’t do this to your sisters in arms who can’t help having to live this way.

We should be lifting each other up, not tearing each other down.

I really don't think it's justifiable to be an arse to any service staff, male or female!

Apparently, oestrogen is the 'caring' hormone!

• so when it decreases naturally in peri- and menopause then that's when we see things clearly differently - that's when the anger, rage and frustration with the world kick in ( thank you for the description@ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie 😀 )

I think it's nature's way of telling us to now think of ourselves and think of what we as women need! To put ourselves more to the front rather than just try and 'keep the peace' or 'be nice'

There's a reason men don't have as much oestrogen as women .........! 😂😂

As PP have said HRT can help with the out-of-control feelings of rage and rudeness - with HRT we still feel them, but are able to control them better! 😁

Maybe try some breathing exercises and meditation. Sometimes anxiety used to make me furious, really couldn't control my emotions when in a busy place. Could you try counselling? You may have something that the GP could help with?

I do. Which one of us is right? Who knows?

Well it isn’t, really. It’s a reason, though.

If this is not perimenopause then I’ll eat my hat. Well I would if I was wearing one, but I’m too too hot to wear one.

@yumyumyumy

I really don't think it's justifiable to be an arse to any service staff, male or female!

Totally agree under normal circumstances ....... but have you actually met the wonderful world of peri- / menopause yet ??? 😳😳 😬

My trainer at work is like this.

She always needs an arse to kick every day.

We are all sick of it.

Good luck, at least you acknowledge it.

I've never been a cunt to service staff and wouldn't excuse it when I hit the wonderful world of peri

@SeverinaVichenza What about a young disabled man? Does he deserve to be the arse she kicks? Or a stressed out father?

There's your answer. It's perimenopause. A symtom is rage/ not suffering fools gladly/ uncontrollable temper. HRT solved it for me.

I suppose what I’m saying is more that there’s a difficulty with seeing something as a medical symptom if the person experiencing said symptom is only directing her fury towards a single, comparatively powerless group of people — like men tending not to choose to hit much bigger, more muscular men? If she were spraying uncontrollable fury at authority figures, her boss at work etc, it would feel very different to thinking it’s ok to berate retail workers.

@yumyumyumy

I've never been a cunt to service staff and wouldn't excuse it when I hit the wonderful world of peri

I very much doubt that OP is just deliberately being 'a cunt to service staff'

Can I ask if you've gone through peri- /menopause yet?
If so, you may be one of the women who seem to 'sail through' - and you're lucky to have done so.

But please recognise that not all women have the same experience.

OP has said she feels she may have an issue and asked for support - but apparently she's just a cunt to service staff' - so problem solved !!

*edited for spelling

It’s funny that the rude people can control it when it’s someone they like. I think some people just have to admit they enjoy having a dog to kick.

Are you of menopause age? Could it be that? I was ragin bull during peri menopause

What about pms? What about pregnancy? Or is just peri that makes it ok?

Every time you feel yourself. Stop. Ask yourself is it kind? Is it necessary