Why am I so rude ?

[aduckandafishwenttosea]

I'm generally not a rude person. I usually avoid conflict and am a people pleaser.

However the last year or so I find myself not coping in shops and inadvertently being rude to staff. I don't mean to be. Is it being rude or having a meltdown ?

example:
I go to the supermarket. It's busy and the item I want is either out of stock or moved location. I've already had to queue to get into the car park and then queue to park. So I'm a bit urghh already by the time I get into the shop.

my reaction: I start loudly saying to myself how shit the shop is, people around me can hear. I then go on a hell bent mission to find the item (if moved), I cant gently start trying to find it, I take it personally that the item has been moved, just to make my day/time as hell as possible. I might ask staff if they have hidden the item for a laugh or eaten it all (this is said - and meant - in a jokey way but has been taken in a rude way before). By this time I am boiling over with rage and anger and potentially in full meltdown in the shop.

What is wrong with me ?

I take everything personally, like it's purposely done to make my day hell. I went to get petrol the other day. I queued for ages, got to the pump and opened my petrol cap on the car. It was pay at pump only and the card machine was not working. I spoke to a worker who suggested going to a different pump. But to do this, as I was at the very front pump, I would have to leave the garage and go and get in the queue again. I had already waited 15 minutes. I drove off in a huff, not realising the petrol cap was still open. Cars were beeping me to try to tell me but I didn't realise. When I did realise I was stopped at a junction, some kind person walking past put the cap back on for me and I was shaking the rest of the way home.

@yumyumyumy yes, to be frank, But I don't specifically set out just to target service industry. Unfortunately, that is the area of frustration for me.

Have you noticed places and locations / occasions where you are completely calm, content and pleasant to everyone around you? That might be useful to take note of, in case it helps you identify triggers other than a general slide into the menopause?

Maybe channel your rage about the cost of living and lack of choice in shops into political action rather than gobbing off at minimum wage staff. Or do everything online that you can if it is making you so stressed doing it in person. This should give you the space to go to the petrol station at 10pm when it’s quiet so you don’t feel like you want to kick off.

hrt won’t help with the impact of being a people pleaser for years. Maybe get some support for that behaviour so you don’t get so resentful and overwhelmed.

Thanks for all the replies. I no longer allow myself to speak to any shop worker and instead I try to get in and out of the shop as swiftly and calmly as possible. I will be speaking to my GP about peri-meno. I do most of my shopping online. I go to to the petrol station/shops during quieter times, to avoid people. I am slowly learning to grit my teeth and hold my mouth, although I am still feeling super frustrated inside.

It feels like the whole world is conspiring against me at times. There are too many people wanting to do the same thing at the same time and buy the same thing. Everyone is in a rush to be first/get it first and there is not enough of anything to accommodate demand. The world is just too busy for me.

Someone up thread mentioned about feeling the world is conspiring against me This is totally how it feels.
I work on a supermarket checkout. This is every day for me.
"Why is everything so expensive?"
"Why haven't you got XXX?"
"Why don't you have more tills on?"
"When will you have YYY?"
Ad infinitum. None of which l can do anything about, but apparently I'm personally responsible for.
I worked nearly 3 decades in the police. And l've had more abuse and nastiness in 5 years sitting on a checkout in a supermarket than l had then.
I'm retiring in October. Thank god. It can't come quickly enough.

You can feel overwhelmed without being rude to people. If you are aware you are doing it then just simply stop, you are a grown woman. Menopause isn't a valid reason for being rude. It may make you more irritable and frustrated but it still your choice on how you interact with others.

Honestly, get therapy (I meant that in a nice way). I am the same, literally felt like I was burning with anger and resentment at what I considered to be stupidity from a company, or antisocial behaviour. I actually had a blazing row with a women last week for approaching me as I minded my own business to try and tell me that God was watching me and Satan awaits or some such shite, and I just saw red and shouted at her so much she gave me the finger as she walked off (which did then make me laugh). Have been a people pleaser my whole life and now I cant cope with it anymore. I am pre meno.

Therapy is helping me channel the right places to advocate for myself which then calms me down and helps me cope with the other scenerios. Its a work in progress but it helps.

It sounds like the queuing partially causes your resentment at the subsequent situation. I live in a big city and have never queued to enter a supermarket car park or a petrol station. Can you go at quieter times?

Have you got a partner? Could they fill up the car for you? Might take away a bit of stress.

However you are feeling it is no excuse to take it out on strangers doing their job.

If you think about what you are saying, that everyone is in wait until you leave the house, they know where you are going, and they get their first just to annoy you. You do understand that this just isn't true. Look at it another way, everyone is going out and about to get what they need at the same time as you, well some of them at the same time as you, they are doing exactly what you are doing, except you think they shouldn't be, rather than sitting chilling in a petrol queue, waiting your turn, you can people watch, listen to the radio, treat it as a bit of chill time, you can do some breathing exercises, or pelvic floor exercises, treat it as 10/15 minutes of you time whilst getting petrol.

The Heads of supermarkets get advice from commercial psychotherapists and it's shown if you move supermarket items around shoppers pass other items and buy more. That is their business to maximise sales. No one on the shop floor has any say about any of this.

You are, the end, only raising your own stress levels, which is not a great idea.

I would get friends and family to help you out for a bit until you chill a little. As you say you are a people pleaser time to cash in some of those favours.

Yet I still people please (would love to change this) and put up with other peoples continuous requests for favours etc.

You do not have infinite capacity. We are all more like sponges - there is only so much we can absorb before we leak. You sound chronically stressed which will make you more anxious or angry - the less capacity we have left, the more likely we are to reach our limit quickly over small things. CBT can help with stress management, but it would be helpful overall to reduce the demands on you (no is a wonderful word!). Check out the Centre for Clinical Interventions Assert Yourself workbook. It really helps cut down on doing things you dont want to.

Also, maybe talk to your GP about menopause interventions?

I get like this but inside my mind only.

I have ADHD and we have emotional dysregulation. When I get angry, like a fuse has gone and I get angry with everyone and everything but internally.

So it makes me even more stressed as I don't let it out unless some twat is dangerously driving on the road and they might get a few effs and jeffs. 🤣

I would advise what I do.

Try not to leave things last minute such as petrol in the morning before going to work. I really hate it when I forget and I do this to myself. Adds onto my stress and when I think I've got time, then all of a sudden I don't with the added detour.

I hate going into big supermarkets with all noise and people so I tend to go through the week and later on when it's quiet. And go into smaller stores.

Before I go in, I have to psyche myself up and just have a bit of calm before I go in. Taking a few minutes to just breathe will help.

If big and busy places are triggering you, avoid them. Either get deliveries to your door or go when quieter.

I aren't rude to people ever but inwardly I am. I always hate myself when I do because I'm angry with myself and internally am being nasty and taking it out on other people.

I'm actually really kind and polite so when the rage calms inside, I feel ashamed but I understand I'm usually having a meltdown and it's like chernobyl inside.

I also think maybe put some earphones on with music on could help.

Going to places at quieter times is all well and good, but things can still go wrong… out of stock items, one slow/dithering person holding everything up, or whatever. And because you’ve been expecting to zip in and out quickly, there can be added frustration. At least at busy times, you know it’s likely to take longer.

I remember going to a petrol station at a very quiet time, it was pay in store only, and as I went in to pay, a couple were at the till with a basket full of groceries. What should have taken me seconds took more than five minutes, and it was frustrating, but when there’s nothing to be done other than wait, you have accept it.

I think you have to mentally prepare yourself. Hope to be in and out within 10 minutes, but know that it might take two/three times that, and if it does, it does. Deep breaths, and play candy crush while you queue.

One of my parents used to act like this, and they have chronic anxiety and depression. My entire childhood was dreading these moments and treading on egg shells, but since they have actually accepted it's a problem (30 years later!) and have sought, and finally accepted treatment it is a million times better.
I don't know if you're similar but worth bearing in mind maybe

The most important thing to consider is that the people you are getting angry with (often minimum wage workers) are not the ones who are responsible for the issues you are facing. They aren't deciding pricing, staffing levels, stock choices or vouchers.

You really are punching down when you take it out on them. It's simply unkind. If you mindset is they are also subject to the systems which irritate you, then you are more likely to be sympathetic, and if you make comments, it will be a shared problem. If you do find yourself snapping at them - say sorry straight away and tell them you are having a bad day.

It certainly sounds like there is some new stress or change in your life which is causing this.

I'm 47, on HRT and still feel like this 70% of the time. I think it's overwhelm and depression, but still "functioning" to a point. I never know what's going to come out of my mouth so I limit my social outings on my own now. That said I'm always polite to retail staff etc because I've been on the receiving end. Can you try a programme such as The Decider? Remind yourself to stop and breathe etc.

To be fair on one hand it's good that you are recognising the way you speak to people is odd/rude and taking steps to stop it, which is more than most unpleasant people do. It just seems odd you don't realise at the time that you're saying these strange things.

I can imagine that for a staff member who is overweight or struggling with eating issues to be randomly told "where are the x? Have you eaten them all?" Could be really upsetting - even though you didn't know/notice/intend any link with their weight at all.

I think just NOT talking as much as possible is the right way to go until you've calmed down.

Also with shopping online or at quiet times - I've literally never queued to get into a supermarket or to park and that includes during covid because I they can be hugely annoying and stressful places at peak times so would rather go at other times to avoid it.

Was going to say that it sounds like you have some moderate to low level anxiety/depression, buy knowing your 51 (i’m 55) I’d say (peri)menopause. My fuse has been extremely short since I entered this phase, although I’ve been reassured by those out the other side that things settle down and you reconnect with your old nice self eventually. There could also be a touch of depression too (hormone related).

either way, you don’t need to put up with it or beat yourself up about it. I’d go and chat with a GP and explore whether HRT is a possibility. I’m on bHRT and I swear it has saved my marriage as well as my sanity.

sounds like peri to me too OP. Good luck with the GP and do not be fobbed off with anti depressants.

When this happened to my dad, his sodium levels were life-threatening low. He'd been very short tempered for over a year (having been quite laid back before). We all assumed it was work stress until he had a stomach bug and became confused so my mum dragged him to a hospital. He was in his early 50s.

OP, I would bet my house you are experiencing perimenopausal rage. The full hormonal red mist. HRT works absolute wonders for this. I regret not going on it in my late 40s as my mood swings were terrible. Yes to yoga and destressing etc but HRT is transformative

Please don't take it out on retail or hospitality workers. The things you say are vile. They don't know why the prices have increased, why are you asking them that question? You sound quite nasty and I can imagine you've upset some of these people. They don't deserve that. Order online and send someone else to put your fuel in.

But it’s not the world. It’s just shops and retail workers?

Peri might be a contributor. But you really need to look into why you only feel like this in shops or, perhaps, why you feel it’s ok to vocalise it to people who work in shops.

I'm another one for whom HRT was a complete game changer. One of my friends at work told me I was so angry that she didn't want to talk to me - it was the best thing she could have said. (She was being sympathetic, not nasty.) She suggested the doctor and I was put on HRT. It made such a difference and I was so grateful to her for being honest with me.

The world is pretty much exactly the same as it was a year ago. It’s not the world that’s wrong, it’s you. Honestly stop blaming other people and get some HRT and start dealing with whatever else you need to do to get a handle on this irrational rage whether that’s yoga, long walks or an online cbt course like this one https://www.nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/mental-health/mental-health-self-help-guides/problems-with-anger-self-help-guide/

i suspected so!

You sound really short tempered, easily frustrated and have lost control over your behaviour. You are very rude and people might think you are “unhinged” muttering to yourself and having ridiculous reactions to normal life.

It can happen with the severe hormonal changes of menopause, however you still need to take responsibility over your own behaviour.