Why am I so rude ?

[aduckandafishwenttosea]

I'm generally not a rude person. I usually avoid conflict and am a people pleaser.

However the last year or so I find myself not coping in shops and inadvertently being rude to staff. I don't mean to be. Is it being rude or having a meltdown ?

example:
I go to the supermarket. It's busy and the item I want is either out of stock or moved location. I've already had to queue to get into the car park and then queue to park. So I'm a bit urghh already by the time I get into the shop.

my reaction: I start loudly saying to myself how shit the shop is, people around me can hear. I then go on a hell bent mission to find the item (if moved), I cant gently start trying to find it, I take it personally that the item has been moved, just to make my day/time as hell as possible. I might ask staff if they have hidden the item for a laugh or eaten it all (this is said - and meant - in a jokey way but has been taken in a rude way before). By this time I am boiling over with rage and anger and potentially in full meltdown in the shop.

What is wrong with me ?

I take everything personally, like it's purposely done to make my day hell. I went to get petrol the other day. I queued for ages, got to the pump and opened my petrol cap on the car. It was pay at pump only and the card machine was not working. I spoke to a worker who suggested going to a different pump. But to do this, as I was at the very front pump, I would have to leave the garage and go and get in the queue again. I had already waited 15 minutes. I drove off in a huff, not realising the petrol cap was still open. Cars were beeping me to try to tell me but I didn't realise. When I did realise I was stopped at a junction, some kind person walking past put the cap back on for me and I was shaking the rest of the way home.

@Rosejinkyb It’s funny that the rude people can control it when it’s someone they like. I think some people just have to admit they enjoy having a dog to kick.

That's quite a leap there !

• it sounds to me as though OP is having issues with things that SHOULD go smoothly in life - ( because after all, all the changes have been introduced for OUR convenience ) - ( yeah, right!) - DON'T go smoothly for whatever reason.

e.g. we can't control how supermarkets lay out their aisles, but every time they change something it's US that are inconvenienced! e.g. pay at the pump is meant to make life easier - so when it DOESN'T, it's bloody frustrating - we haven't chosen these things, they're being imposed with no consultation.

And when we get older we can't be bothered with all this shit! And TBH why should we?

I presume you are still of the age where you think people women should 'be nice' despite everything?

It's menopause plus work plus being expected to everything proficiently at home.

Ashwagandha and HRT.

Its perimenopause. Go get yourself on some HRT.

How the fuck are we supposed to know, idiot?!

(Sorry, I’m very juvenile, couldn’t resist).

What about pms? What about pregnancy? Or is just peri that makes it ok?

I think we were concentrating on the fact that OP is 51 - but yes, IMO, pms and pregnancy can be just as challenging for women.

I don't know why women don't recognise that hormones can often play a big part in our lives and our reactions - there's no shame in knowing that or admitting it

I don't think anyone is excusing it. They are saying that it can explain a change in behaviour, and that support is out there. OP came looking for help because she knows she is behaving badly and doesn't know why. Until/unless you experience the white hot instanteity of peri meno related mold swings, you will never understand it. There are you, just minding your own business, something trivial happens and without any conscious thought or decision, you snap. And then hate and despise yourself for it. It is utterly horrendous, distressing and shameful. Not being a cunt.

@aduckandafishwenttosea
Why is nothing ever easy.

This sentence struck me and I know what you mean. I have gone through phases where it feels like every bloody thing is just too much. What you do every day running a house is normal, most of us do it. But every now and again I hit a point where it is simply too much. Meal planning and shopping and managing kids activities seem to push me over the edge. I had a bad spell about a year ago and I don't really know why, I was completely overwhelmed. Reflexology and yoga helped me, I also started getting up 15 mins earlier and doing morning jobs slower to lower stress.

Someone upthread mentioned people pleasers often get resentful and this is me. I can hit a point where I'm just so angry and how everyone takes advantage etc. But as I'm sure you know you are wrong to be mean to customer facing staff. Would it be worth going in and apologising to the people you were rude to? It might make you feel better about yourself and draw a line under it.

Probably not nearly as horrendous & distressing as it is for the poor innocent service staff on the receiving end, though.

Of course it's cuntish. She's not doing it to the gang of louts on the street corner, or a big burly fella in the car park, is she? She's absolutely able to control it when it means she may come to harm if she doesn't.

It literally is, even on a subconscious level 'I can let my frustration out at people here, because they are just staff that have to deal with this, and can't act out in retaliation, out of fear of losing their job & means to survive'. The only way you could get any lower is to do it to kids, or homeless people. It's fucking gross behaviour.

If we all advised service staff to stay clear of miserable looking middle aged women we'd be ageist & sexist - but fucking hell, judging by the amount of folks who share the experience of the OP, I think they'd be well advised to.

Women have dealt with hormones, and the rather harsh and life changing impacts of it for a very long time. The vast majority of us though don't bully people as a result. We walk away from situations where we feel we may lose control. As someone upthread mentioned, you have PMS, PMDD, pregnancy, PCOS, mental health problems and a whole host of other problems that give similar feelings, but to reiterate, we don't feel the need to bully people who can't fight back, less they lose the income they need - whom are often also, trying to take care of their family.

As for the comment from other post about male service staff deserving it, there's some twisted people on here. Really. It 100% explains the behaviour of a minority of the public.

@yumyumyumy didn't say deliberately though - you added that in.

OP confirmed as much herself (her 10.27 post) that although she doesn't deliberately target service staff it is JUST them that have been the target of her ire.
It's quite unlikely that the ONLY times she has ever become frustrated over the last year are at a supermarket.
Therefore even if OP isn't deliberately being rude to service staff, there must be some element of deliberation if she can manage to bite her tongue in all other frustrating circumstances (i.e. manage to not make rude remarks to her boss, colleagues, police officers, kids' teacher, friends, family members, her doctor....etc) that might have a negative impact on her, but only lets it fly to low paid people who have to take it or risk losing their jobs.

It doesn't matter if it's deliberate or not to the person who is at the receiving end.

As a pp said, peri/menopause might EXPLAIN OPs reactions (to some extent) but doesn't justify or excuse them.

Are you going through peri?

Menopause. That's what Karen is- a menopausal woman!

@easylikeasundaymorn yumyumyumydidn't say deliberately though - you added that in.

Yes I did say that....... tho I didn't mean it in the way it seems to have come across 😬- that's the problem with the written word.
I think the underlining of the word may have given it more meaning in the sentence - I simply meant that I don't think OP is meaning to be rude deliberately ( as in pre-meditated) , but she's just being rude without being able to control it as well as she'd like.

And, we don't know how much contact OP has with other people - her boss, colleagues, police officers, kids' teacher, friends, family members, her doctor -
she may not have as much RL contact with people as you're assuming?

I think only OP can tell if, after reading all the answers here, she feels she may want to seek any further help or advice

There may be several factors.

Like others have said , peri-menopause is likely and can turn women into someone they don't recognise.

Are you a product of your environmental? Are people rude to you, or do they take you for granted. Are you matching the attitude that other people use with you?

And lastly, you aren't wrong , OP, everything is such a rigmarole these days. All this modern technology isn't making things easier anymore.

But , the only thing that is the fault of the customer facing staff is their own attitude. Don't blame them for anything else.

its not a pattern of behaviour that is ongoing. It’s an onset. People don’t suddenly behave differently just because they are an arsehole, because, well, they’d always have been an arsehole.

the petrol station is understandable

and when shops move things it is really annoying.

are you unhappy, stressed?
oh i see you are stressed.
well this is all understandable.
bite your lip op, Count to Ten,

Stop blaming the menopause. Millions of women go through the menopause every year and aren't total arses.
This seems to be about other issues.
Get to the bottom of who you're really angry with.

arrange to have a massage, or go swimming

I’ve worked in retail for my entire working life. People’s behaviour in my store is worse than before Covid. We now have a sign up to say abuse will not be tolerated. This is a mid/high end end boutique.
People often speak to staff like they are stupid, responsible for stock issues, their life being tough, the weather, the cost etc etc etc. These people on the end of your rant aren’t your punchbag. If you can’t actually be civil, shop online. Get to your gp.

@icelollycraving quite.
Why should people in their place of work bear the brunt of others' problems?
It's the onset of something - get help and support. Don't take it out on retail workers or whoever.

That’s actually not true at all. Plenty of people become assholes. Things happen to them, life changes, they get resentful or bitter.

Some people become fed up with the way their lives are and instead of fixing that problem they start taking it out on other people. Often people they feel they can get away with taking it out on.

icelollycraving · Today 07:40
I’ve worked in retail for my entire working life. People’s behaviour in my store is worse than before Covid. We now have a sign up to say abuse will not be tolerated. This is a mid/high end end boutique.
People often speak to staff like they are stupid, responsible for stock issues, their life being tough, the weather, the cost etc etc etc. These people on the end of your rant aren’t your punchbag. If you can’t actually be civil, shop online. Get to your gp”

Thats awful. At 60, I don’t think I’ve ever been rude to anyone serving/helping me. Whatever the issue, it’s not their fault!

Funnilly enough, our 6ft 5, probably 14 stones youngest who works part-time in hospitality, has never reported rudeness/abuse from customers!

“Of course it's cuntish. She's not doing it to the gang of louts on the street corner, or a big burly fella in the car park, is she? She's absolutely able to control it when it means she may come to harm if she doesn't.”

Don’t be so sure,@Toenailz. This was part of what made me realise what was going on (apart from the memory loss, difficulty speaking and constant hot flushes like I had the flu) - I had absolutely no patience with anyone being (what I perceived to be) rude to me and would call them on it immediately, no matter who they were. I realised that I was going to get myself beaten up if things continued!

Yes it's usually the easier targets these grumpy people go for! They can just about contain their rage not to take it out on someone bigger than them!