Why am I so rude ?

[aduckandafishwenttosea]

I'm generally not a rude person. I usually avoid conflict and am a people pleaser.

However the last year or so I find myself not coping in shops and inadvertently being rude to staff. I don't mean to be. Is it being rude or having a meltdown ?

example:
I go to the supermarket. It's busy and the item I want is either out of stock or moved location. I've already had to queue to get into the car park and then queue to park. So I'm a bit urghh already by the time I get into the shop.

my reaction: I start loudly saying to myself how shit the shop is, people around me can hear. I then go on a hell bent mission to find the item (if moved), I cant gently start trying to find it, I take it personally that the item has been moved, just to make my day/time as hell as possible. I might ask staff if they have hidden the item for a laugh or eaten it all (this is said - and meant - in a jokey way but has been taken in a rude way before). By this time I am boiling over with rage and anger and potentially in full meltdown in the shop.

What is wrong with me ?

I take everything personally, like it's purposely done to make my day hell. I went to get petrol the other day. I queued for ages, got to the pump and opened my petrol cap on the car. It was pay at pump only and the card machine was not working. I spoke to a worker who suggested going to a different pump. But to do this, as I was at the very front pump, I would have to leave the garage and go and get in the queue again. I had already waited 15 minutes. I drove off in a huff, not realising the petrol cap was still open. Cars were beeping me to try to tell me but I didn't realise. When I did realise I was stopped at a junction, some kind person walking past put the cap back on for me and I was shaking the rest of the way home.

You are taking out your rudeness on shop workers because they have to be professional, can’t be rude back, you’d not care how they feel, and you think you have power over them to unleash your uncontrolled hysteria.

It’s not a good look!

Too much on your plate.

It’s good you are posting op because this stuff can escalate, I’ve been there, you’ll scratch your talons on someone who will bite back and I’m saying that kindly.

Perimenopause is before your periods have stopped and that can be an angry time.

I’m the same age as you and this was me a year ago right down to the previously being a people pleaser. It took my best friend to suggest a trip to the GP to discuss HRT.

I did exactly that and it was a total game changer.

A lot of my friends are a similar age to me and several have felt exactly the same. Worth considering, OP?

Good luck. I remember how out of control and anxious I felt. I’ve never had anxiety in my life so it was horrible.

Maybe you could try to identify what emotion is causing you to act like this. Because it's not very nice, you know, other people matter and have feelings too xx

Your OP is written like your rude behaviour just happens. But it doesn't just happen, it is arising from your own emotions, and you are making decisions along every step of the way culminating in you allowing yourself to act in a rude manner. It is not a busy shop, or a petrol pump, that is causing your actions. It is you. Why is this?

Can you identify why you are getting frustrated in these everyday situations? Really take a moment to sit and think about this. Is it rage. Where's that coming from? Is it anxiety? Is it confusion. Are you scared because you don't understand situations the way you used to? There's a root of this and you need to find out what it is. Good luck

This.

While it's good you at least recognise how weird/unreasonable you've been after the fact that doesn't help the poor person you've moaned at.

It's interesting all your examples are low paid workers - surely your family/friends/colleagues are equally frustrating (or even just present at times when you get frustrated as you've accepted that the retail worker themselves isn't responsible for whatever issue has riled you up) but if you can manage not to be rude/passive aggressive to them you can do it the rest of the time.

I'm sure someone upthread has suggested online food delivery but I couldn't see it. Yes to hrt, CBT, meditation and yoga but also find ways to work around stressful situations such as food delivery and filling up with petrol at quiet times. Be kind to yourself - reflexology or other relaxing treatment might be nice or whatever you enjoy.

I hate shopping when busy

Petrol - pay at pump and I often go late at night
Shopping - Aldi at 9.30am on a Sunday or anywhere that does the browsing time
Everything else I do online

@Rosejinkyb waaaay too much on my plate:

Working 50 hour week

Running the home inc. all finances, cleaning & home admin. This includes booking & updating food deliveries every week and going to the shop for any items not available (!); managing the diary for where all 5 of us are each week; suggesting/planning/arranging all family social events; admin for any family birthdays (both sides of families); all washing/changings beds; forward planning as needed; management of all school admin; arranging minor DIY repairs; clean my car; ensuring we have the best interest rates on any debt and moving this around as needed; making sure we have everything we need at home.

Juggling my time to see family/DH/DC x3/friends/me time

I work in a supermarket and have often wondered what the hell is going through people's minds when they're having a go at me about things I clearly have no control over.....

Maybe try looking up some CBT techniques to help you recognise when you're being unreasonable and re frame your thinking

This is normal life, with work/home/family duties.

Stop doing what isn’t essential.
If you are 51, your children are probably older/teens, or at least old enough to do their own beds/organise their own timetable? Pack own lunch?

Reduce cleaning.
Stop organising social events.

I notice you haven’t mentioned about being nicer to the poor people in the service industry, who are having to deal with the brunt of your anger. Please try and be decent to them too. Take responsibility for your behaviour.

You obviously can control it though, because your choosing to direct it only at people who have to take it due to their employment position. Why is that?

Op, it honestly just sounds like you've had a spate of bad luck, and bad days, maybe people/staff have been rude to you in the past, you're losing faith in human kindness, common decency etc.
I ofen find when one thing goes wrong consistently after another, it can cause me to run out of patience, become untrustworthy, and almost look for the next thing to go wrong, it can almost feel like a curse. I have a running joke that I must have done something bad in a past life.
Are you in a position to go on holiday this year, plan any nice things to unwind? I think some relaxation is in order. Life is stressful, and no matter how nice of a person you are, it can get to us all. The fact you are recognising it, shows you're not a bad person at all. Be kind to yourself, and to staff, we're all just doing the best we can. There are good people in the world, although at times they can seem few and far between.

I think your window of tolerance has reduced so your nervous system perceives small annoyances as threats and you're responding disproportionatly.

mi-psych.com.au/understanding-your-window-of-tolerance/#:~:text=“Window%20of%20Tolerance”%20is%20a,able%20to%20function%20most%20effectively.

But that's normal adult working and family life, surely, if you're a single parent. If you're not a single parent, why isn't your anger finding a more appropriate target in your spouse/co-parent, who should be handling some of this? It's not a random retail worker's fault that you're stressed about laundry, altering your grocery order, and 'handling birthday admin for both sides of the family'?

I mean, some of this sound more than a bit whiny -- so don't clean your car, stop suggesting or arranging family social events, let people forget they have football training! The world won't end! How much time in the average week can 'managing school admin' or 'ensuring you have the best interest rates' actually take?

This reads a bit like when you're doing your CV and break down into little chunks every task you do in your current job, to make it sound more impressive and responsible than it actually is 😂

It is hard when you're working full time- you probably should make the rest of the household do more. But it is just the drudgery of life- and lets face it, you could be doing all that^^, working full time, AND getting spoken to like shit in your workplace because someone is having a bad day.

and lets face it, you could be doing all that^^, working full time, AND getting spoken to like shit in your workplace because someone is having a bad day

That's a fair point. OP, maybe bear this in mind if you are tempted to vent your frustrations on a retail worker. Maybe they also work a fifty-hour week, and do laundry, and are responsible for all food shopping, school and birthday 'admin', cleaning their car, DIY etc.

Perimenopause?

Helpful?

Perimenopause affects moods. Before menopause.

Could be. For instance, I'm 51, and well into menopause, as are many of my similarly-aged and older friends. I don't recognise as a peri-menopausal or menopausal symptom 'behaving like an outrageously entitled bitch to retail workers'.

There's pretty crap customer service everywhere I go. So I can see why this might trigger your rage op.

The thing is, if you're representing the company you work for, on the till, you're the public face of that company.

Totally not your fault if the business is badly managed and set up to annoy customers... lack of staff, goods, annoying flipping beeping alarms going off all day...

But you're the first point of contact. You're the only person customers, spending large amounts of money, who would like a nice experience, have to speak to.