Why am I so rude ?

[aduckandafishwenttosea]

I'm generally not a rude person. I usually avoid conflict and am a people pleaser.

However the last year or so I find myself not coping in shops and inadvertently being rude to staff. I don't mean to be. Is it being rude or having a meltdown ?

example:
I go to the supermarket. It's busy and the item I want is either out of stock or moved location. I've already had to queue to get into the car park and then queue to park. So I'm a bit urghh already by the time I get into the shop.

my reaction: I start loudly saying to myself how shit the shop is, people around me can hear. I then go on a hell bent mission to find the item (if moved), I cant gently start trying to find it, I take it personally that the item has been moved, just to make my day/time as hell as possible. I might ask staff if they have hidden the item for a laugh or eaten it all (this is said - and meant - in a jokey way but has been taken in a rude way before). By this time I am boiling over with rage and anger and potentially in full meltdown in the shop.

What is wrong with me ?

I take everything personally, like it's purposely done to make my day hell. I went to get petrol the other day. I queued for ages, got to the pump and opened my petrol cap on the car. It was pay at pump only and the card machine was not working. I spoke to a worker who suggested going to a different pump. But to do this, as I was at the very front pump, I would have to leave the garage and go and get in the queue again. I had already waited 15 minutes. I drove off in a huff, not realising the petrol cap was still open. Cars were beeping me to try to tell me but I didn't realise. When I did realise I was stopped at a junction, some kind person walking past put the cap back on for me and I was shaking the rest of the way home.

I'm not really sure of what you expected people to understand by the word 'deliberately' other than the commonly used definition, which is the same one you've provided???

I think you are grasping at straws now if you're suggesting maybe OP is some sort of hermit who has no interaction with anyone and never leaves the house apart from going to the supermarket....

Again, I am not inferring or assuming that OP's behaviour is only towards retail workers, she literally confirmed this was the case herself.

Except Toenailz was basing their comment on what OP actually said. Her first post was all about retail workers, and she then confirmed when someone specifically asked that her behaviour had ONLY been directed at them, albeit not deliberately. So the people querying why OP is only being rude to service staff aren't making assumptions or interpretations, they are responding to OPs own words.

Exactly this, @Toenailz .
It's funny how millions of middle aged women can control this, self manage and hold down demanding and responsible jobs.

It's not a silly assertion.
People are blaming the menopause.
I'm saying - don't blame it. If it's a problem, seek help, but don't take it out on others and go round in a fug of frustration and anger.

That made me chuckle. I bet men seldom get anybody being rude to them. When you do see them instore you so much as blink, and they've gone into oblivion. I was trying to catch somebody acouple of weeks ago to ask which aisle something was in; they still haven't changed the signs! He disappeared to cracks jokes with the guy on the meat counter 😩🥱

May I ask why you changed from police to checkouts? That's quite a change!

A former serving police officer of 30 years gets more abuse on a supermarket checkout than they did on the force?
Really?

I don't mean to derail OP's thread but given the chat about Peri can I quickly ask if it's likely for me to be Peri at 39?? Quite a few symptoms myself!

"Why are prices so high?" is a ridiculous question to ask shop workers. Take it up with the suppliers/government/bank of England. People really are stupid sometimes.

Happens quite a lot. My dad retired after about 28 years and then worked at b&q and then as a cleaner on a secure unit in mental health hospital.

Typical. If they aren’t engaging in crude ‘banter’ with their colleagues, then they are eyeing up the customers. Is there any profession in which men actually do the job they’ve been recruited for and not laze around creating problems for women?

I’d say menopause. I got very angry during mine.

Definitely possible. It is at the younger end, but some women do start from their late 30s.

https://www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/what-is-the-perimenopause-a-quick-guide/

I don’t really know what you mean. It seems to hinge on the word “blaming” and it apparently being interpreted as “oh that’s what it is so forget about it, it’s not your fault”.

That certainly wasn’t my interpretation. More like: it’s quite likely (peri)menopause related so get yourself to the fucking doctor based on that 🤷‍♀️

I think people who seek others who are “wrong” on the internet will probably have no trouble finding them!

Eh?
I have no idea what you're talking about. I have suggested she gets help for her issues. There was no anger or blame and I certainly didn't feel the need to say "fucking".

EnglishBluebell
'May I ask why you changed from police to checkouts? That's quite a change!'
I took voluntary redundancy because l was moving to another part of the country, and l was too young for early retirement.
Also because my role was changing, and l didn't want to work in the new role (control room), it wasn't what l signed up for originally, and it was a 50 mile round trip (working shifts, too), when l had been working about 5 miles from home.

I had what l could loosely call 'a few gap years' but because of the situation with the State Pension, l had to go back to work part time.

I just wanted something part time to tide me over til l retire, which l will this year.

Itsonlymashadow Yes, l'm very similar to your dad. I worked for the police for 28 years, initially in a clerical role, then data input in a specialised department, as a shift manager for 16 years.
They moved our department to a control room 25 miles from where l lived (so a 50 mile round trip, working shifts) when l'd worked 5 miles from home for years.
I didn't want to work in the control room. If l had, l'd have signed up for that at some point in the previous 27 years. It wasn't for me, I think it's something you have to want to do, rather than be put into it. I didn't think l had the mindset to be dealing with 999 calls and the like. Thank goodness people can, though!
I took voluntary redundancy, too young for early retirement, because l was moving to another part of the country. Had a couple of years off (very casual part time jobs (village pub!) during that time) but had to go back working 'properly' when l didn't get my State Pension at 60.
Working until later this year when l get that, then l'm retiring properly. Can't wait.

A former serving police officer of 30 years gets more abuse on a supermarket checkout than they did on the force?
Really?
If you worked in retail during the pandemic, I doubt you'd be asking that question.

It's a shocker and I'm sorry to hear that.
There's no excuse, none. It doesn't matter if there was a pandemic or folks were stressed or worried about loved ones etc. everyone was dealing with a lot and that's just completely out of order.

I'm still waiting to hear why menopause symptoms cause people to abuse retail workers and service staff specifically.

There's something really unpleasant about being purposefully rude to people who are at work - because you know they can't argue back with you without risking their jobs.

Just pack it in and stop being horrible - menopause isn't a reason to be a bitch.

I really dislike it intently when women immediately blame the menopause for behaviour like this. Same as when they blame their periods or their hormones for them being a dick. It gives all of us a bad reputation, like we can’t bloody control ourselves. We can.

op, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, no one does, but if you walking round shops loudly stating how shit they are with people listening, and verbally attacking and being rude to people then it’s far from normal behaviour. I’m sure you see other women your age who aren’t walking round shouting about it being shit and abusing staff so know this.

and you clearly can control yourself if you chose, as you say you no longer give yourself permission to talk to staff.

possibly you’re frustrated and unhappy in your day to day life, unable to articulate that, so it comes out in shops and gives you the opportunity to vent, so you attack th staff knowing you can and will get away with it. Possibly it’s depression or some other mental health issue, we can’t tell you.

My husband does a lot of the things you’ve described and always feels he’s conspired against…. He’s not menopausal 🤣
Unfortunately, yes, he does always seem to be the one that if it could go wrong/ doesn’t work/ it happens to him🥴🤷🏼‍♀️
He’s in a mindset now that he expects everything to be a battle and is a massive catastrophiser It can be exhausting dealing with his expectations on account of it trying to reassure him that it’s not “just him” … I don’t know the answer or why it happens but “The Laws of Attraction” really do seem to be a “thing”

Hear hear, @Frasers. I’m in menopause, as are many friends and acquaintances, and I have a lot of older friends who gone through menopause while I’ve known them. No one is berating retail staff on a regular basis.