How do I kindly tell my friend that her birthday treat isn't too much of a treat?

[chatenoire]

I'm turning 40 shortly and my very dear friend offered to cook me dinner to celebrate. That in itself is extremely kind of her. However, because of her own personal circumstances, we'd have to do it at home, and I genuinely don't feel like cleaning for and after the celebration.... I'm trying to find some sort of middle ground, but with the weather we're having a picnic is out of the question.

Weird of her to offer to cook but not offer to host. Since when was that a thing? If she has ‘a garden room that is also an air BnB’ presumably they also have somewhere to eat and cook while they have guests. Not sure what a garden room has to do with cooking and eating. And can’t be that strapped for cash if they’ve got extra money coming in from an air bnb. Odd suggestion of friend. I’d definitely either say ‘can we do it at yours, would love to get out of the house for my bday!’ or suggest going out.

Haha, this happened to us except the gift was for a private chef to cook at our house for ten people. It seemed that we had to invite a specific group of people they knew through work that I didn’t even know.

I was really resentful and pissed off about it all because preparing the house for an event like this is very hard work.

However it was a delightful evening and because I had no skin in the game I was a charming hostess and at about 11 when the first guests left I said my good nights and went to bed leaving the rest to stay up late. In the morning I went out and left DH to finish the clearing up.

So maybe embrace it and it might be better fun than you think.

I think it's fair enough you dont want it at your house. Just say you'd like to come to her house as staying in yours won't feel like a treat. And can you leave it until the weather improves and maybe do something outdoors. I couldn't be bothered with this either.

You lost it beautifully! 🤣👏🏼🤣👏🏼

I’m sure she didn’t mean you personally, you have to admit it is REALLY annoying when posters do that. And Jane’s rant was hilarious because it’s so true!

thank you @AccountCreateUsername

When I was younger my friend group embraced this sort of thing as we had student standards. We were just happy to be having a laugh.

Fast forward to 40 and I get your reservations. I absolutely love that your friend is being resourceful in a cost of living crisis and think that should be applauded. However, if after thinking about it you don't want to do it then you are not in the wrong to change your mind. I'd just say I've thought about it and our house isn't ideal right now. I'd really like to do x instead (and make sure x will cost no more than plan A).

OP, I understand totally. My BIL stayed with us for a few days and persuaded us to let him cook “as a thank you”. We, like you, were put on the spot and reluctantly said yes. I’m extremely tidy but my DH is off the scale tidy! What an unholy mess. Grease splatter everywhere and my fancy chopping board, previously only for decoration (sad, I know) was chopped to pieces. Never again. Just say you’ve been thinking about it and would be uncomfortable with someone else cooking in your kitchen. It’s your domain and it would not be relaxing for you. Have them for drinks and nibbles.

I would probably say, let's go out... staying in is never a treat even if someone else is cooking. It's the boring old normal especially if your lumbered with the washing and tidying up after.

You should not going along with an idea you were railroaded into. Put your foot down ip. You are 40, it’s your birthday - start as you mean to go on!

I'd reply with a message like this:
"Hi friend, I was very taken aback when you made the kind offer of cooking DH and I dinner for my birthday but on reflection, it's actually filling me with anxiety that I really didn't think I had. I would be delighted to come to yours whenever it suits (not necessarily on my actual birthday) to share a meal with you. I realise that you have guests staying on my birthday so that date is out which is fine. Can you let me know some dates that work for you so that we can get our calendars to match up?"

You're pushing back a little, being a bit less of a push over by saying that you can't have it happen in your home (and if another follow up message is required, you can spell it out that you don't want her to cook in your home), and that you're open to doing it on a date that isn't your actual birthday.

Hope it works out for you.

If it's 2 months after your birthday, it means that you have something to look forward to. It doesn't have to happen so close to the actual date.

Thank you for all the replies, I find comfort I'm not the only one that thinks it's odd to say the least. Plus I agree the garden room being taken makes no sense, it's not like we're having a disco!

I'll reply suggesting a charcuterie soirée.

I would hate this so much!! It really doesn't feel like a special birthday treat at all. I honestly would just rather have a coffee and a slice of cake somewhere and be done with it. What a palaver disguised as a treat.

Will also mean you can all spend more time actually chatting together rather than standing there awkwardly while she cooks!

Obviously I just don't want to be put in this situation. If I had wanted to host a party, I would have organised one!

Then that's what you say. 'That's a lovely offer, Liz, I appreciate your kindness. But if I'd wanted to host a party at home I'd have already organised it. It's my 40th, I don't want all the work that hosting involves.' If she quibbles say: 'Look, I know you'll have done all the cooking, and that's very kind of you, but hosting is hard work and I don't want to have to run around sorting out napkins and spare plates and mopping up spilled wine on my birthday.' And if she's still doing the yes-but number, say: 'Liz, please — I've tried to politely decline your kind offer and explain why, but you've put me in a position where I just have to come out and say thank you, but no thank you.'

Do you have another friend who would volunteer a house for her to cook in, so that you can just turn up and be feted?

Why don't you tell her the truth.
That with all the pre prep, and washing up afterwards you feel your all going to working rather than having quality time.
Plus they say that it is going to get mega warm soon. So how about cold finger foods, that you can all nibble on while you chat and drink wine.. .

Is it a gesture you’d appreciate at a different time? If so, could you suggest taking her up on her offer in the Winter?

At her place I would, but definitely not at mine! Even a "can we pop in to wish a happy birthday?" Would have been 100x better

I read somewhere that when someone gives you a gift, it should come with no strings attached. This 'gift' is coming with huge ropes attached let alone strings.
You'd have to provide the location
You'd have to provide the flatware and plates etc.
You'd have to provide the cooking appliances
You'd have to provide the cooking implements/pots/pans/roasting dishes
You'd have to clean up afterwards (and on this one I am including your DH and the gift giver's DH too)

Too many strings to make it a genuine gift.

Tell her that you're quite happy to have the meal in her place once you get back from your holiday.

I’m a bit late to the thread, but I was in the same position with a friend.
I told her my kitchen is too small to cook and talk and I’d rather have her time than the meal.

I have someone close to me who does air BnB in their house and doesn't stop her having me/family for lunch. Also a friend of my parents does air BnB in their garden and doesn't stop them having all sorts of people over!!!!

Well, presumably you would be cleaning your kitchen anyway at some point?

Omg I would hate that!!! You definitely need to say something. I'd phrase it as you don't want to be stuck at home, let's go out for a coffee and cake instead.

I would just be frank and say that you really appreciate her offering to cook, but you don't fancy washing up after and there's no way you're going to let her wash up. Sometimes you just need to be honest especially between good friends, rather than sit there simmering with resentment!