How do I kindly tell my friend that her birthday treat isn't too much of a treat?

[chatenoire]

I'm turning 40 shortly and my very dear friend offered to cook me dinner to celebrate. That in itself is extremely kind of her. However, because of her own personal circumstances, we'd have to do it at home, and I genuinely don't feel like cleaning for and after the celebration.... I'm trying to find some sort of middle ground, but with the weather we're having a picnic is out of the question.

She wants to do something nice for you. Better than a 40 wine glass. Spend a nice evening with your friend, ask her to bring everything she needs and then she can take everything back with her.

Love this!!! Could not have put it better myself. I hope you shit people are reading this and take note

OP I would just be honest with her and say thank you so much for your offer but I fancy doing ...... instead! I'd appreciate the honesty if it was my friend.

I can totally understand your concerns. If you wanted a dinner party, you’d have one. Cooking at someone else’s house is always a pain ‘Where’s your garlic crusher? How does this grill work?’ You won’t be able to stop yourself from helping. Same goes for your DH. I’d find it very weird for a friend to be cooking in my kitchen while I sat there. I can’t see how she’s engineered that this is a treat for you. Sounds like a pain in the ass.

Whoever said 'Masterchefing on your time', you are hilarious. That totally sums it up.

This sounds like 10 shades of hell. Who in their right minds would suggest such a thing? No thank you. The suggestion re coffee and cake text is spot on.

Don't hold back @Jane2025 😂 You're right of course.

You can and should just call her up and say bluntly “ Susie I’ve had a good think about what I really want for my birthday and its to do X with you. I really appreciate the offer of the cooked meal but for some reason it just doesn’t work for me. Can I have a rain check and this year, instead, we will just: see a movie, go for drinks, call up other friends…etc..etc..etc..”

This, and being so uptight about having a friend in their kitchen sounds batshit.

I am a lone parent and would love for someone to come roubd and cook for me. But if you don’t that’s fine too.

I find it so interesting that so many people would be ok with that! Somebody clanging and banging about in your own kitchen while you and the two husbands sit there like a spare dicks at a wedding… what a weird idea as a ‘gift’.

Honestly she could have just found a day she doesn’t have guests. I’d go the coffee and cake suggestion.

Well in that case surely the DH's can do the cleaning up afterwards?

You are coming across as a bit of a martyr I'm afraid. You don't have to do an all out clean before she comes, and as it's your birthday others can clean up afterwards.

Anyone who wanted to cook a meal for me would be welcome with open arms.

Argh. DH let one of his friends cook for us as a surprise treat soon after we had our kitchen done and I was so cross when I found out! I was stressed the entire time, hated seeing some random guy I barely knew banging about in my precious new kitchen. The food was awful (raw onion in spaghetti carbonara anyone?) AND he chopped stuff on my beautiful cheeseboard which was a wedding present and left massive gouges in it. I still get cross when I look at that cheeseboard! DH was very sheepish. He thought it would be a nice surprise but it very much wasn't!!

@Jane2025 it was a bit of emotional outburst but it was right in a nutshell.

I think some people post in a hurry and some read just OP’s post without updates. I’m guilty of this myself from time to time tbh.

Awful presents are bad enough but all you need to do is try to look appreciative and heave it to the nearest op shop - I am thinking of my MIL's tribal African souvenirs here. Having to prepare your house and potentially clean up afterwards because your friend is using her own house for money making purposes is a worse class of present because it entails extra work for you. I would just cancel for coffee and cake. I just simply would not contemplate putting a friend on the spot that I would come and use her kitchen to give her a birthday present because I was renting out space to a paying guest in my house. I mean what close friend would do this for a 40th birthday present. I suggest strongly you hire babysitters and have your husband take you out to a romantic dinner.

Someone other than myself or my husband cooking in my kitchen would be absolutely tortuous. I would hate every second of it.

Just say your oven's on the blink the night before or something

Why on earth isn't she hosting, if she's so keen on cooking???

Yes, it's a weird shit gift.

Is she very hard up at the moment?

‘Thank you for your kind offer to cook, I have given it some thought and what I would like to do is x, y and z to celebrate my 40th. I hope we can get together for dinner another time. I’ll book a table at x at xx hope you can still make it x’

Hard to back on this one now you have agreed. Delegate washing up to the DHs and enjoy the night.

I would hate this , having someone rattle around the kitchen whilst I sat back doing what , watching tv , drinking without them , far too awkward . If it was me I'd say something like ' I've been thinking , this all seems like a lot of work for you let's just do coffee / cake or champagne/ cake and we can go for dinner later when .( personal circumstances) change