How do I kindly tell my friend that her birthday treat isn't too much of a treat?

[chatenoire]

I'm turning 40 shortly and my very dear friend offered to cook me dinner to celebrate. That in itself is extremely kind of her. However, because of her own personal circumstances, we'd have to do it at home, and I genuinely don't feel like cleaning for and after the celebration.... I'm trying to find some sort of middle ground, but with the weather we're having a picnic is out of the question.

Reminds of the time BIL (who couldn’t actually cook 🫠) offered to cook us Christmas dinner as we had a tiny baby… omg. What temperature should the oven be on? Where is the roasting tin? Should the potatoes be peeled? (To DH) Can you just check if the chicken is done?
Plus, there was no dessert or Christmas crackers 😮😓

Sorry but I don't get the problem.

Your friend has kindly offered to cook you a meal? Sounds ideal.

You feel you have to wash up later for 4 people. So what? Why not just enjoy the evening - have a few drinks - and then clean up with your DH later. Really not getting why it's such a big deal.

We wash up in our house every day and have 5 people living here

I have to ask Op, you mention your DH in your updates. Why isn’t he taking you out on your 40th?

I would hate this ‘present’ too and I would just be honest and say on reflextion, you’d prefer to go out/get out of the house.

Because she wants to be treated on a milestone birthday. As in, no cleaning. Not difficult to understand.

It’s also often awkward when someone else cooks in your kitchen. People have only done it for me after I had c sections. Not as a ‘treat’.

We're going away for my birthday. Which is why she wants to do it that particular day or it would be like 2 weeks after my birthday.

Yeah well - I do 'find it difficult to understand' - hence my post.

If the OP wanted to arrange something special for her 'big day' then maybe she or her DH should have sorted it. It sounds like her friend is making a kind gesture, and she's already accepted.

The big deal is she doesn't want to. It's not a treat. It's extra work. And she doesn't want it. So it's not a birthday treat, it's an annoyance.

Why don't you offer to go to hers instead. Surely she will enjoy cooking in her own kitchen more.

It's a weird birthday present!

Ah i’m glad you are getting an actual treat for your birthday!

Is there any reason your friend hasn’t offered to take you out for dinner?

as i read it the op has not updated saying she said no, she said yes but felt cornered.
call me thick for this?

Send her something along these lines:

"Thanks so much for your offer to cook dinner at my house. I've been giving it some thought and think I'd like to get out of the house and have a change of scenery on my birthday. We could therefore do this another day at your house once your guests have left or we could all go out for a bite to eat (or coffee and cake)".

I don't really understand why you've jumped to the conclusion that this is the only thing the OP is doing to celebrate her birthday? Why would you presume the options are literally the friend cooking a meal in the OPs house or the OP doing nothing?

We think it's a money thing...that they'd feel obliged to pay for all of us..

I would be more than happy with a charcuterie+cheese board +wine - so I might suggest that as part of my message. It's the full blown cooking that I feel iffy about, plus I don't know what she'd cook, there's a chance I wouldn't like it!

1. The garden room excuse makes her a CF

1. Why can't the DHs clean up? Do they lack hands?

As others have said, just strange!

Can you ask for her to come over but for takeaway and drinks. So no clearing up

Can we please make this a “sticky”!!

On every bastard thread.

I think you can have a nice evening but say to her that what you'd really like is not a sit down dinner but nibbles and cheeseboard etc maybe a nice pudding, that she can prepare in advance, so she doesn't have to cook in unfamiliar kitchen because that would probably be more stressful for you and it would leave more time to chat and have fun. Open it with that is what I would really like, and keep repeating.
Then you plonk yourself down with glass of something and let them work around you. I get the cleaning thing but just enjoy , it's a nice gesture

what calling people thick?
i dont think so

So you’re telling the OP how she should feel now, because that’s how you feel?

Are you reading OP? Stop feeling the way you do, sorted.

This forum is wild. I don't know how anyone has any friends.
Say yes to things then make up a whole story how she's a CF.
It's not that deep. Friend tries to do nice thing. Other friend agrees.

It would take you ten minutes for you or her to wash and dry up together.

Are both husbands allergic to water and washing up liquid?

It’s cleaning up after one meal. How do people like this survive??

It's so highly strung on here, I've not met anyone in real life like this.
Most people I've met love friends coming in and putting the kettle on/having the kids while they go for a shower/making a sandwich for everyone

and I love that too, in my own terms, not semi-imposed. I love hosting and I like to be hosted, but there's a reason why I didn't organise anything at home for my birthday.