How do I kindly tell my friend that her birthday treat isn't too much of a treat?

[chatenoire]

I'm turning 40 shortly and my very dear friend offered to cook me dinner to celebrate. That in itself is extremely kind of her. However, because of her own personal circumstances, we'd have to do it at home, and I genuinely don't feel like cleaning for and after the celebration.... I'm trying to find some sort of middle ground, but with the weather we're having a picnic is out of the question.

Just tell her you'd prefer to go out for a drink.

If you can't be honest about this then how much of a friend is she really?

Can't you just say you don't want to clean?

I would’ve felt the same, done the same and been annoyed with myself afterwards.

I can’t think of a kind way to get yourself out of it either. Happy Birthday though. 💐

Is she strapped for cash at the moment and taking you to a restaurant wouldn’t work?

I think that it’s nice that she is offering her time and effort. You’ll get the benefit of a tidy house anyway if you clean and tidy.

you’ve also already said yes, so it’s a bit measly to turn around now and say no.

It's not unkind to say "actually the place is a bit of a tip and I'd rather not spend my birthday cleaning... can we just go out instead?"

(as long as it's still enough notice that she hasn't bought the ingredients)

How about sending something like this:

Hi Friend, just been thinking about the birthday plan you mentioned last week. Shall we save the hassle of cooking/clearing up etc and go and get coffee and cake from X cafe. I've heard its got good reviews and would love to try it with you! Let me know when you are free x

Surely the cost of her providing the ingrediants is likely to be the same or more than the cost of a coffee and cake somewhere, esp if she was also going to be providing drinks at yours. So this way it doesn't make it seem as if you want her to spend more on you than she is willing.

That’s a really good way of putting it.

Oh yes that's a fantastic way to put it, Ty!!

Just because you've accepted doesn't mean it's too late. Just say "thank you so much but I need to postpone this, I'm just not up to hosting at the moment with so much going on." Fwiw I wouldn't want this gift at all and wouldn't do it. I thought your post was going to be something else entirely and I would think generally of course, say thank you and move on, but not with this.

Ps, I'm reminded of someone who was visiting my home for a couple of days and brought stuff to do my nails for me... I agreed partly out of politeness. We didn't know each other well and I took it as a well intentioned gesture to give us time to get to know each other better, but it was just weird for me.

Just say on reflection you’d rather go out.

If it's a very dear friend why can you just not speak to her about it? Also if my close friends were to cook at mine I'd happily leave them to get on with it and let them fill the dishwasher when they were done.

I can never understand how many people have close friends, dear friends, lifelong friends and not be able to have the simplest of conversations with them.

Why can’t you just go to hers for dinner?

Is this just a single meal for two? How much mess are you expecting her to make?

I think this is a really good response and you can preface it with something like having had time to think about it after you accepted it..

Depends what food she's making, how many courses and if she's a messy cook (like me) or professionally trained and wipes/clears down after every stage. Then there would still be washing up to do...
OP isn't comfortable with it, that's really all that matters. There have been some good suggestions already made on how she could deal with the situation.

Could you suggest that she makes a mini afternoon tea instead? She can make or buy the items and bring them from her home rather than cooking at yours. Tell her that you would prefer to sit and chat rather than watching her slaving over a hot stove.

You're right OP, it's not much of a treat.

Why can't she cook you a dinner at her gaff? In this situation she'll turn up with only half the ingredients and you'll end up spending an hour answering to questions like:-

"Chatenoire, where's your frying pan?
"Where do you keep your salt n pepper?
"Is your spatula in this drawer?"
"The plates are in here, yeah?"

Draining. After a while I'd be like sod, I'll do it myself, just pour me some of that red wine you brought will you..oh, I see you've finished it.

the afternoon tea idea is a good one

I think it would be a meal for 4 (ourselves and our DHs)

Yeah I'd hate someone coming over to cook for me at my house, me having to get up every 2 minutes to show them where something is and I would just feel really awkward in my own house having someone cook for me anyway.

I would hate that too. I actually think it's cheeky of her to use YOUR home and facilities TBH. Do as pp said, and say you'd prefer coffee and nice cake elsewhere instead.

And PLEASE tell us why she is not hosting. Many of us are so curious! (Sorry).

She has a garden room that's an Airbnb, she has guests that day.

Then she can do it on a different day…

Ooh I’m with you, OP: all kinds of awkward and I’d hate the idea of someone in my kitchen using my things. 😬. Hope you manage to sort it out diplomatically.

Maybe she enjoys cooking and thought it'd be nice. If it's not for you, then tell her you want both of you to relax and enjoy eachothers company without too much prep, so either a takeaway, drinks out one evening or coffee or two out and cake sometime in the day.