DS 's lovely little pal and miserable DP

[Deathfingers]

DS 12 has a lovely little bestie. They have been best friends for around 4 years and hang around a bit either here, in his house or the local park, hes here maybe 2-3 times a week max.

Now they're older they stay out later, so either here, at his or out til about 7pm. If they come here it's usually til around 6pmish then they go out for an hour.

DP and I both work FT. He gets in around 6pm some days.

A few times in the past I'd get a message saying he'll "pre warn" me when he's on his way so I can shoo DS friend home because he's "been working and won't come home to DS pal here" Each time I usually reply with a breezy "don't worry they are both in his bedroom hanging out" and that used to end the madness, but lately his messages are getting more demanding and argumentative. Apparently its not normal for kids to be at each others houses all the time - its 3 times a week at most for a couple of hours? He's also started hinting that I'm acting strange by wanting his friend here all the time (I dont? It's for DS!)

I get it, I like my peace, and his pal is very comfortable here 😬 he'll just wander in to the kitchen and grab an apple or drink without asking but meh, I secretly think it's pretty cool that he's so comfortable here and there's no issues re: the extra food he eats, it's not a lot and he is very polite. But DP says he doesnt want him even if they are upstairs bothering no one.

DC aren't allowed sleepovers etc because DP doesn't like it, he also doesn't like them playing in the garden, so I feel if I let him stop letting them have pals around to chill they won't have much left they can do!

Who's the odd one here? I think it's totally normal for pals to go to each others houses while parents are in, he thinks this isnt usual, I'm the weird one, and the kid should leave at 5pm before he comes home.

If its not me who's being strange how do I handle this? I'm so tempted to just reply with "no" and not engage next time I receive my pre warning message.

So what does she think they should actually be doing?!

This was totally the norm for me and my bestie. We were always at one of our houses

I am one of those people who really hates other people in my house - don't know why, I just am. However I have children and they need their friends so I suck it up and get on with it. My husband hates it as well but I fortunately he has to suck it up or he buggers off. Our children have a right to a life too.

It's not like they're lower primary and rampaging about the house.

As long as homework is done I wouldn't have a problem

Why not get a man cabin in the back garden? The lads can go there when he heads home.

It's nothing to do with his work.

It's because he just can't stand anyone enjoying themselves - even his own DC.

I don’t think it’s about the child. He wants to come home and have a fag in peace.

He should stop the car earlier and have a fag in the park.

Solution to his meanness.

Geez, what a miserable fucker. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of covering for him OP but is that really how you want to live your life?

I could not be with a man who laid down unrealistic rules about how the family live their lives yet won’t discuss or compromise on any of them. That’s not normal, and it’s not fair or right. He seems to be a combination of manipulative and controlling. He manipulates situations ( the fake friendliness, the secret smoking, getting you to implement HIS orders) so that he won’t appear to be the ‘bad guy’. And it’s worked, you say the kids adore him. No wonder that grates on you.
A 12 year old having one friend over for 3 hours after school a few times a week is normal. It’s not even every week. They are not noisy or demanding. They don’t interfere with your DH. He’s being very unreasonable. I’m an introvert and I suffer from social anxiety so when I felt a bit drained I often didn't like having my DS’s friends over, but I’d also know that it wasn’t fair to DS to not allow him and I knew that I could retreat to my bedroom for some of the time. I didn’t have the option of ordering my partner to tell friends to go home because I’m a single parent! There is no good reason for your husband to be laying down these rules and refusing to discuss them and getting cross when challenged makes it worse. He is a classic control freak. Not good for you or your son. I do feel for you both.

It's yours and DS house as well, just organise a sleepover 1 weekend night and tell your DH that he can either get on board with it or go and stay somewhere else for 1 night.

Don't let your lives be dictated by this miserable prick!

You're not the unusual one OP.

I had a dad like this and it was an absolutely FUCKING Nightmare

controlling, bizarre , stressful.

no child should feel dread to invite friends as their embarrassing saddo dad gets his knickers in a twist about it.

please continue to support your son in hav in having this lovely relaxing friendship and set some healthier boundaries for your husband to follow so as not to pass on his weirdo behaviour.

Have you read this initial thread by jamaisjedors ? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

Perhaps more extreme than what you're going through but maybe some common ground and experiences.

So I grew up in a house where I was t really allowed friends around. But my dad had severe mental health problems and couldn’t cope with people. I recall once or twice having friends over to stay before his severe mental health issues were triggered by a trauma. We then stopped having people over. I’m not sure if it ever bothered me as a child as I was always able to go to my friends’ houses. But it has made me as a parent more open to having my kids’ friends round. Although our home isn’t really big enough for sleep overs and we don’t have a garden but since the youngest has been at secondary she has brought friends home for tea and to hang out. My eldest is a solitary child (ASD) and therefore doesn’t have friends over.

When I was a teen Once I got a boyfriend I spent every moment of my life at his house. Pretty much from age 14 up to leaving school on and off. He was an old child and they had a decent sized family home. His father’s profession meant people were often at the house as he had a an office based in the house. I went on day trips with them. I stayed over on weekends - separate rooms but they had the space. I then went to uni and left home. Parents divorced once us kids were left school. Mum’s house is always full of people now. Dad never had anyone round but would meet people at the pub.

I guess different families work differently. I’d suggest there must be something going on deeper with your DH to be so dead set against this.

My dad was like your husband, no one ever felt comfortable in our house, including me. You would think he was the first person to ever have to go to work.

I was also an only child, so really needed some company. As soon as I was old enough, I was out all the time and I used to really envy friends whose parents were happy to see us and welcoming.

My parents divorced as soon as I left home and I don't see my dad anymore. He's problematic in lots of ways and his attitude during my childhood is a big part of why I don't feel pressure to put up with him now.

Your partner is the weird one. It is very good for your son to be socializing - far better for him to be learning to develop real communication skills and not be spending hours on screens!

It's his home too, and he feels it's an intrusion. I think you should respect his feelings.

My own fathers behaviour prevented me having friends over.
He also controlled my mother.
He'd have made a great dictator, instead of just being a dick.
If this is the end in a long line of bullying bullshit prepare to jump ship. But not before you know there's a life boat and jackets for you and the children 🌻

He doesnt respect hers though, he wont even discuss the problems. Do you think she should just meekly obey him, keep walking on eggshells to keep him happy?

Yeah your partner is being really weird (and controlling) what’s his bloody problem? My son has his friends round loads-he feels relaxed here and is never an issue, he often sleeps over too. They’re friends so they want to spend time together. I think it’s odd that your husband is so against this and it’s even odder that he’s trying to make out that there’s something weird about you wanting his friend there. I’d question that more. If it was me I would respond no too.

Him: 'I'm not coming home to kid here.'
You: 'OK, I'll message you when he's gone and you can come home then.'

Problem solved

I sense you DP has some under issues here and projecting. Hold your ground. He is being unreasonable!

You are definitely not the weird one, OP. Heart-rending to read this. Support your son

WHAT????

DP doesn't like sleepovers and the children playing in the garden. WHAT?????

How weird is your family.

Why doesn't your husband want sleepovers?

Why doesn't your husband want the kids outside in the garden?

Generally speaking most parents, want their children to have a set routine Mon-Fri. Mon-Fri revolves arounf school, clubs, homework.

But weekends are where you have the kid's friends and sleepovers, and quiet family ony weekends to re-charge.

Seriously not understanding why your dh wants to prevent kids playing outside and doesn't do sleepovers.

Seeing your post where you said he's often like this, not just due to work, I wonder as someone else has said if it's coming from neurodiversity or mental health. I'm ADHD and autistic, I can understand how wanting space and being by yourself is something he might want if he is either of those, but going through a mental health episode I find that I'm worse than normal. I don't know if he would be able to discuss it, but it sounds more than just having your DS's friend round. It could just be controlling behaviour, I have a friend who has just left her husband and one thing he did was not allow her to have friends round.

Hope you're ok @Deathfingers. It doesn't sound like a particularly pleasant conversation to have with someone that controlling and miserable.