DS 's lovely little pal and miserable DP

[Deathfingers]

DS 12 has a lovely little bestie. They have been best friends for around 4 years and hang around a bit either here, in his house or the local park, hes here maybe 2-3 times a week max.

Now they're older they stay out later, so either here, at his or out til about 7pm. If they come here it's usually til around 6pmish then they go out for an hour.

DP and I both work FT. He gets in around 6pm some days.

A few times in the past I'd get a message saying he'll "pre warn" me when he's on his way so I can shoo DS friend home because he's "been working and won't come home to DS pal here" Each time I usually reply with a breezy "don't worry they are both in his bedroom hanging out" and that used to end the madness, but lately his messages are getting more demanding and argumentative. Apparently its not normal for kids to be at each others houses all the time - its 3 times a week at most for a couple of hours? He's also started hinting that I'm acting strange by wanting his friend here all the time (I dont? It's for DS!)

I get it, I like my peace, and his pal is very comfortable here 😬 he'll just wander in to the kitchen and grab an apple or drink without asking but meh, I secretly think it's pretty cool that he's so comfortable here and there's no issues re: the extra food he eats, it's not a lot and he is very polite. But DP says he doesnt want him even if they are upstairs bothering no one.

DC aren't allowed sleepovers etc because DP doesn't like it, he also doesn't like them playing in the garden, so I feel if I let him stop letting them have pals around to chill they won't have much left they can do!

Who's the odd one here? I think it's totally normal for pals to go to each others houses while parents are in, he thinks this isnt usual, I'm the weird one, and the kid should leave at 5pm before he comes home.

If its not me who's being strange how do I handle this? I'm so tempted to just reply with "no" and not engage next time I receive my pre warning message.

Your house is jointly owned. That means you also have a say in what happens in it. I'd definitely be inviting friend to stay for tea/dinner occasionally. And discussing the possibility of a camp in the garden where they could have a sleepover in the summer.

Or offer your DP a tent in the garden so he's not being disturbed by noise 😂.

I do get the wanting to completely relax and not feeling able to if there are guests in the house thing. It's what my DH calls being able to walk around the house in your boxers. But it's lovely that your son has a friend around and he clearly doesn't stay there until late at night so I think your DP is being very unreasonable.

Ask your DH if he'd rather your DC & his friend roam the streets getting up to all sorts than be at home where they're safe & not getting into any trouble.

If the kids are upstairs & aren't bothering him what's your DH problem? I think it's lovely they want to be there & your Sons friend feels comfortable with you.

Next time he sends his 'pre warning message' reply asking why his Son can't have his friend over in his own home & that if he wants to lay down the law to them he can tell them himself & explain why to both your DC & his friend.

You DP is weird.

My DH is not bio dad to my 17 year old son (we moved in when he was 9) and there's never been a problem with having mates over. It's even a lot more now my DS is older, and its louder cos they're shouting at the XBox and in and out the kitchen making a mess food for themselves...

Your son needs a social life else he will end up a miserable CF freak like your DP if he doesn't.

Our DC friendships are a priority to nurture and normalise.

Restrict those friendships and deny access to them will present problems later in adulthood.

Your DP is a parent first and should accommodate that nurturing of his DS.

The days of the children being removed or silenced because 'Daddy's' home are long gone.

DC friendships come first.

Your husband is a miserable git.
its absolutely normal to have friends round and I would actively encourage it as I think it’s very good for them socially and keeps them happy and normal.

Christ what a miserable bastard! Would he feel better if his son was lonely and waiting for his dad to come home? Nope! The bit about not wanting the child to play in the garden? WTF??? Is he always a complete misery or is it just with your son???

Children need access to other children for normal development. Your DH take second fiddle here.

My daughter’s friend used to come and stay practically every weekend, most school holidays and we used to take her for a week summer holiday to the coast. DD is an only child as is her friend. My partner (not my daughter’s bio father) didn’t mind, I loved that they had a close friendship. My DD never went to stay at her friends nor was there ever the offer from friends parents 🤷🏼‍♀️

Fathers like this have little to no interest in their childrens happiness and yet their mothers are surprised when they see little of them as adults.
These children see their fathers clearly, remember CLEARLY their selfish controlling ways, the whole house humouring them.
They know well their fathers are selfish twats, see as little of them as possible and when their mothers die first, they fully withdraw, having zero intention of any further involvement.
I have several acquaintances over the years whom upon their mothers death, were clear they hadn't a notion of ringing a father that they hadn't called when their mother was alive.
Their mothers paid a high price as they saw little of their grandchildren, as their parents just really did not want to spend time in the family home.
I hope thr OP realises this man will only get worse but it will be her tolerating it whom will be privately blamed by her children....for not protecting them.

you should show your husband this post OP - ask him if that's his ultimate aim? That his kids grow up and avoid him because their childhood was made unhappier by having to follow his (unreasonable/unrealistic/selfish/mean/generally 'being a dickhead') rules?
Also re-read the above thread and ask yourself if that's what you want for your kids?

I know this was a thread from last year but I just wanted to comment.
My DH never liked any of our DC’s friends being here and it really pissed me off.
I grew up with my best friend practically living with us and vice versa. Ditto my brother and his friends.
They were like my brothers!

DH never had this as his sisters were older and I don’t think he ever really had any friends home.

When DS was older, DH made such a fuss about him having his friends in so he started going out and he got himself in a whole load of bother, over a period of time.
I KEPT saying to DH that a) we should be bloody glad that he HAD friends, b) much better that we know who his friends are and c) if they are in our house then we know where DS is and that he’s safe!
Just so shortsighted tbh.

Thankfully, he’s now put all that behind him.
He will ask if his friends can come in and I say of course and that he doesn’t need to ask.
I am on good terms with his friends and I don’t hesitate to give a ticking off if needs be, but I do it in a nice way. (“Don’t piss on the toilet seat, please!” 😂🤦‍♀️)