DS 's lovely little pal and miserable DP

[Deathfingers]

DS 12 has a lovely little bestie. They have been best friends for around 4 years and hang around a bit either here, in his house or the local park, hes here maybe 2-3 times a week max.

Now they're older they stay out later, so either here, at his or out til about 7pm. If they come here it's usually til around 6pmish then they go out for an hour.

DP and I both work FT. He gets in around 6pm some days.

A few times in the past I'd get a message saying he'll "pre warn" me when he's on his way so I can shoo DS friend home because he's "been working and won't come home to DS pal here" Each time I usually reply with a breezy "don't worry they are both in his bedroom hanging out" and that used to end the madness, but lately his messages are getting more demanding and argumentative. Apparently its not normal for kids to be at each others houses all the time - its 3 times a week at most for a couple of hours? He's also started hinting that I'm acting strange by wanting his friend here all the time (I dont? It's for DS!)

I get it, I like my peace, and his pal is very comfortable here 😬 he'll just wander in to the kitchen and grab an apple or drink without asking but meh, I secretly think it's pretty cool that he's so comfortable here and there's no issues re: the extra food he eats, it's not a lot and he is very polite. But DP says he doesnt want him even if they are upstairs bothering no one.

DC aren't allowed sleepovers etc because DP doesn't like it, he also doesn't like them playing in the garden, so I feel if I let him stop letting them have pals around to chill they won't have much left they can do!

Who's the odd one here? I think it's totally normal for pals to go to each others houses while parents are in, he thinks this isnt usual, I'm the weird one, and the kid should leave at 5pm before he comes home.

If its not me who's being strange how do I handle this? I'm so tempted to just reply with "no" and not engage next time I receive my pre warning message.

But it's not just "other people's children" is it.

It's their son's best friend.

We lived at each other's houses from when we met at 13. Still besties 50 years later.

Mine was the house where all the kids came when mine were kids/ teens. Loved it.

I missed out on so much because I wasn't allowed sleepovers (or to go to sleepovers), nor to have friends round. I also had a ridiculously early curfew. It stunted my friendships and I got left out of quite a bit because the answer was always no, so they eventually stopped asking.

When I had a serious boyfriend I always went to his. Mum hardly met him yet I was welcomed into his family. It was a real shame really.

I'd definitely recommend a cabin, we have one in our garden (DH works in there but it's free evenings and weekends). Our teenage daughter isn't allowed boys upstairs so they hang out in the cabin, it has wifi, TV and a console. I would rather she was here with friends than hanging out in the park so we make it welcoming for her and her friends (they can even come/go via the side gate if the want).

OP, you sound lovely but your husband is damaging your children emotionally with his behaviour and I suspect it will get a lot worse as they age.
Don't think they don't know.
They know.
Perhaps he no longer wants to live with you all.
That would be MY starting point.
Suggest he moves out and takes some space from the family.
His negativity is toxic and the children need protecting from it.
Let him see how serious you are.
He adds nothing to yours or their lives, so time to be realistic.
Sometimes spelling out how superfluous to the family these men are is what is needed.
Do NOT underestimate the damage he will do to your children.
He needs putting in his place.
Any anger or aggression from him, call the police.
His behaviour is controlling and becoming abusive.
Meet it head on.
You are a good mum and should trust your instincts in this matter.

I worked as an au pair for a woman whose first DH was like this. No friends round, no toys left out. In the end he cheated on her and she divorced him, but she told me she should have divorced him years before because of his controlling behaviour towards the DC.

I’d push back hard, OP. Our DSs often had a friend round at 5.30 or so. DH never minded them being here if he got home early.

I completely disagree with the comment "and controlling" even if you did a strikethrough it's still there.

The DH has had a busy day at work and just wants to return home to his family, not his family plus friends of your kids and whoever else might be there. I get that.

If your DH is texting you to send the child home @Deathfingers , why aren't you sending the child home, particularly if he is at your house 3 times a week? That's a lot by current standards. I know when I was a kid I used to pop around to the neighbours house a few times a day and they used to pop around to mine but if their parent(s) sent me home I went. I didn't come back for the rest of the day.

I'm please your DS has a pal but I'm with your DH on this one. If the pal has been there for a while, and while it's not bothering you, it clearly is bothering your DH and it's not controlling to want to return home after a busy day to just your own family.

Of course it's normal to have your kids friends round. We nearly always had extra kids in ours after school and I just fed whoever was there at 6ish! Your DP is being an arse. Does he come from a wierd family? Don't let him curtail your children's social lives because of his odd beliefs!

I dont send him home because i thought DP was in the wrong. Its max 3 times a week (some weeks it's none), for 2-3 hours with dp overlap by a hour occasionally at most and they are upstairs. There's genuinely no issue.

I dont want to be the family who dont alllow their DC friends round or be known as the mum ushering a kid out in case the dad sees him. And tbh if my ds told me he had to be out his friends house before dad gets in, on top of his friend isn't allowed sleepovers, hes not allowed in the garden, and they can't grab their own drinks I'd wonder wtf goes on behind closed doors rightly or wrongly.

Appreciate your view but it's really not about a loving man wanting to come home to his family. If it was I'd understand (would still say no though)

I think it's so wrong that your children aren't allowed sleepovers. He's making them the odd ones out. No way would I put up with that.

I'm so pleased you're standing up for you children, OP.

Have social, welcoming parents gives your children such a strong foundation.

My mum was welcoming but my dad was a serious, stoney faced person whose only focus was alcohol. He wanted to come home, take control of the house, have his drinks and for everything to be as he said it should be.

Suffice to say, despite my mum trying to be the reverse, it caused such unhappiness and tension, we all left home as soon as we could.

@Deathfingers - I am not suggesting that you send this kid home every single time but if the pal is visiting 3 times a week, couldn't you send him home 1 out of every 3 visits so that the pal isn't there every time your DH gets home?

I didn't allow any of my kids go on sleep overs until they were in secondary school and even then I could count on one hand how many sleep overs they were on. As I alluded to in my post I used to call on my friends who were also my neighbours when I was a kid but I knew that the parents needed down time as much as anything. Are you allowing your kids to play in the garden when your DH isn't there? If not, why aren't you? They could be outside when he isn't there and then come in, have a snack and then you send the pal home.

This isn't about your DS not having his pals around. That is categorically not what I'm suggesting but more about all parties managing expectations. Your DH has an expectation that your DS's pal won't be in his home when he gets home from work every other day (or even at the weekend), you have an expectation that your DS can have his friends around and they don't bother you when they are there. I think a conversation could be had and the situation managed a bit.

If you don't think so, then this is not an actual situation that requires resolving it is a symptom of a bigger issue.

My dad was exactly the same. Friends had to be gone by the time he came home from work because he was so stressed he couldn’t cope. It gave me life long anxiety about having people over. The awkwardness of telling people they had to go and why. Nightmare.

I didn't allow any of my kids go on sleep overs until they were in secondary school and even then I could count on one hand how many sleep overs they were on

Did they not even get to have birthday sleepovers with their friends? Why were they not allowed?

What annoys me is he's all "Hey X <big smile>" when he does see the kid
Your husband wants to score points for being mr nice guy, and he wants you to do his dirty work so that he keeps his nice guy reputation!
He is escalating his control, I suspect if you give him this inch he will feel able to take the mile?
I think I would make light of what he says & dismiss/shut him down, if that's doable?

If I thought that would appease him I'd kick them both out and tell them to get some fresh air for an hour tbh if its nice outside. He doesn't want this kid here any day he comes home from work for any amount of time. Again they are in the bedroom and when there's a cross over it will be an hour max, more like 20 mins, that's still not ok for DP.

Hes allowed on sleepovers but he can't have them here, cos no friends allowed when he is in the house. I've suggested he go visit a friend and go out and stay over so I can host a sleepover, but he won't go out, ever.

Kids know they can go in the garden when it's just me. They can kick the ball about to their hearts content for me, they rarely do but that's not the point imo.

I've tried having conversations but he refuses to discuss it (and anything that he thinks he's right about now I think about it), says he doesn't need to discuss. I think his stance is very much 'important man has come home and is right about everything"

I give in about a lot of things, too many if I'm honest, I'm not budging on my DS having a friend round at the same time as DP for 1 hour max. occasionally. If I allow him to think this is OK what will he be like when DC get girlfriends?

Def bigger issues but I just wanted to check about this particular one that impacts DC, so I'm glad the consensus is I'm not wrong here

I’ve seen the words “miserable”, “controlling” and “weird” used.

I agree.

Its lovely that your DS had a lovely friend.

My Dad was/is like your DP
We don't speak.
If you stop the friend coming around won't your DS Just go to his instead and you'll see him less? You'll push your son away if you pander to this behaviour. And teach him that it is okay for men to bully women. Is that what you want?
He had children. He doesn't get to have peace and quiet all tbe time, that's just fact.

I've tried having conversations but he refuses to discuss it (and anything that he thinks he's right about now I think about it), says he doesn't need to discuss
So he shuts you down!
I would do it back to him, shut him down, refuse to discuss things that are important to him, stop appeasing him, he's not your boss.
Tbh I want to go and get my (metaphorical) baseball bat just thinking about this kind of situation, which is why I will never live with a partner again.

Also hes like this even when he's not been at work and has been to see his parents, so it's not about him having a stressful day at work. His job doesnt sound particularly stressful imo, he just hates working full stop.

It’s some and some I think - to my mind, you’re each at the extremes. I suspect I’m probably more like your DH - I don’t particularly like having visitors in the house, but put up with it for the company/for the kids etc. I wouldn’t be happy with visitors helping themselves in the kitchen etc. That said, if he’s not the one having to organise the play dates/feed the kids/tidy up after them and they’re not actively in his way, it doesn’t sound like it’s “in his face” as such. As others have said, there needs to be an element of compromise.

Wow. My parents were odd in some respects ( in retrospect dad was probably ND) but they never begrudged me having friends over. And mum said “ children’s friends are special and exempt from whatever politics are going on amongst the parents” or something to that effect. Your DH is unreasonable not to be happy your DS has a good friend.

Doesn't your son know his father smokes? That's a bit weird. He's like any nicotine addict, wound up until he gets his fix!

Sorry but your partner sounds extremely odd and difficult to live with and it will only get worse as the children grow up and then leave . Imagine what it will be like with just you , him and his peculiar moods and sort him out now .

I grew up in the house where nobody was allowed round - Mum would get so stressed and anxious even with her own friends “imposing” that there was zero chance of us having our friends round.

It wasn’t until the police came round one day to talk to my older sister about starting fires in the park with other neighbourhood kids that Mum decided it would be safer for her to be able to have people round, not be out all the time causing mayhem. So from then on we could have friends over, but only downstairs (she didn’t want anyone “prying” around the rest of the house) and they would need to be gone before she got home from work unless it was something that had been pre-arranged.

Dad was around in all this but he was usually just drunk somewhere. He was very nice to our friends though and had no problem with them being around.

All of this behaviour was down to Mum’s own insecurities - she had a stressful job, was embarrassed about Dad, thought the house was awful, and was constantly worried that our friends would “report back” on all these things to their parents.

As others have said, there needs to be an element of compromise
I agree with this but the H refuses to negotiate/discuss, he expects OP to obey & not answer back.

I would be happy my child wants to hang out at the house. You know where he is, what he's doing, etc. I can't imagine not being able to bring a friend home. Best compromise, have him over only when DH is at work. Do not cave to your DH demands to not let DS friend come over at all. It's your home too and you can invite whoever you want. It would not be good to limit your son's ability to socialize with friends. Your husband is being very unreasonable and controlling. Don't give in to him.