DS 's lovely little pal and miserable DP

[Deathfingers]

DS 12 has a lovely little bestie. They have been best friends for around 4 years and hang around a bit either here, in his house or the local park, hes here maybe 2-3 times a week max.

Now they're older they stay out later, so either here, at his or out til about 7pm. If they come here it's usually til around 6pmish then they go out for an hour.

DP and I both work FT. He gets in around 6pm some days.

A few times in the past I'd get a message saying he'll "pre warn" me when he's on his way so I can shoo DS friend home because he's "been working and won't come home to DS pal here" Each time I usually reply with a breezy "don't worry they are both in his bedroom hanging out" and that used to end the madness, but lately his messages are getting more demanding and argumentative. Apparently its not normal for kids to be at each others houses all the time - its 3 times a week at most for a couple of hours? He's also started hinting that I'm acting strange by wanting his friend here all the time (I dont? It's for DS!)

I get it, I like my peace, and his pal is very comfortable here 😬 he'll just wander in to the kitchen and grab an apple or drink without asking but meh, I secretly think it's pretty cool that he's so comfortable here and there's no issues re: the extra food he eats, it's not a lot and he is very polite. But DP says he doesnt want him even if they are upstairs bothering no one.

DC aren't allowed sleepovers etc because DP doesn't like it, he also doesn't like them playing in the garden, so I feel if I let him stop letting them have pals around to chill they won't have much left they can do!

Who's the odd one here? I think it's totally normal for pals to go to each others houses while parents are in, he thinks this isnt usual, I'm the weird one, and the kid should leave at 5pm before he comes home.

If its not me who's being strange how do I handle this? I'm so tempted to just reply with "no" and not engage next time I receive my pre warning message.

I remember DD’s little friend looking really puzzled when I said “Right, we’d better be going - your Daddy won’t want to come home from work and find us here!”. And I had to explain to her that I didn’t mean that I thought her Daddy didn’t like us, or anything like that - just that when he’d been at work all day and had a long commute home, he’d probably just like to relax with just her mum and her there. Kids won’t have that level of maturity/understanding, so I think it’s fair enough that the DH sometimes gets a house without visitors to come home to! But sometimes he should suck it up as it’s part of having kids - and of course he doesn’t get to lay down the law. But I’d find coning home to someone else’s kid in the house a bit irritating on a very regular basis, I think.

I'd be 'allowed' friends round but tbh I wouldn't bother as he'd be here he never goes out anywhere. I do have my bestie round in the days sometimes when we're off, no issues there it's just the kids.

There is an issue. It's that you can't be your natural self around your friends if DP is there, you feel so constricted and awkward that you don't bother inviting them over. That's not a choice you're making, that's you being controlled by someone else's behaviour, altering your own behaviour so as not to experience the consequences of going against what the controlling person wants (in this case an empty house with nobody but a silent invisible DC and a compliant DP in it). It's coercive control and it's so subtle you didn't notice it start to happen, it's only now it's ramping up that you're realising something isn't right. I don't expect being told No is going to go down to well with DP, OP.

DS already knows what DP is like, that's why they "decide" to go to the park at 6pm so much.

DP is the same about DD's boyfriend. A lovely considerate lad but DP says he just can't relax in the same way knowing there's a non-relative in the house (I think he means fart and burp and loiter around in his pants!)

It sounds like a lovely friendship, the sort you want to encourage as much as possible. It's sad that his own father can't see that and prioritises himself in every way.

Sounds a miserable way to live OP. I feel really sad for you and your dc.
It's definitely him and not you. He is a miserable, fun sponge.

I can still remember how much I loved having sleepovers with my friends when I was a kid or going to a friend's house for tea.
My parents were always welcoming to my friends and I've tried to be the same for my children even if I can't really be bothered.

I think my late DF has been reincarnated and you've had the misfortune to marry him, OP.

Not only did he not like my (10 years younger) DB's friends being round when he got home from work, but he also hated it if any of our neighbours had popped in for any reason, and if my DM was round at anyone else's house.

I realised some years ago (when I started working with a client group that included several clients who were neurodivergent) that my DF showed a lot of traits that were consistent with being ND. I wonder if your DH is similar.

But regardless of that, he needs to find a way of managing this that enables him to accept your son's need for social interaction outside of school. It's not acceptable for him to try and restrict your son's time with his friend (and they both sound like great boys who have a lovely friendship), even if he needs time to decompress between work life and home life.

I think this is a very salient point.
He wants YOU to be portrayed as unreasonable.
Tell him you are not covering for him again.
HE can tell your son and YOU will be making it clear that you do NOT agree.
Your husband is a controlling prick.
Everyone knows parents and houses like yours.
THIS will be your childrens memory growing up, make no mistake.
I strongly recommend you talk to Women's aid.
You should not be doubting your mothering.
Your instincts are correct.
Of course at times most parents will occasionally feel they would like an empty house, balance is reasonable.
But friends are crucial to good mental health during the teenage years.
THIS is why so many parents bite their tongue and welcome all comers.
They can see the bigger picture.
You don't know grief until you have a stressed, unhappy child who feels friendless and like they don't fit in.
THAT is grief.
So parents like me AND my introvert husband, suck it up and have a welcoming house, do sleepovers with teens etc., so that our children can develop and nurture their lovely friendships.
Covid robbed children of so much.
The garden restriction is off the scale controlling.
Contact Women's aid.
THEY will give you the added clarity you seek.
Trust your instincts.
He's a Class A prick.

This was the quote I believe is important, I mistakenly misquoted above.

I agree with this, your partner better hold tight for the older teen years as they don’t go home at 7!

DH and I were away this week and returning last night, our 17 year old DS asked if he could host a Champion leagues Final (?)viewing with a few friends. We weren’t over the moon as just wanted our house to ourselves and DH was keen to watch it with DS only and catch up with him but it is selfish and as pointed out it is their home to!

Worse than this...
He'll retire one day and be there 24/7. How does that make you feel OP? 🥰 Or 😱

@Lillers that sounds tough but at least you have good insights into the dynamics and sounds like you have moved on and have a saner life now.

You definitely aren't wrong here OP and you sound like a great mum. However I hope you know how ridiculous it sounds that you have to basically eavesdrop on your ds and his friend when your dh is around incase they go downstairs for a drink etc, enabling you to then spring into action. Your home should be comfortable and a place of safety for all of you. It sounds like when your dh is around neither you nor your ds are relaxed or comfortable.

The more I read, the more I hope that you find the strength to leave this man so that you and DS can have peaceful, happy lives.

He sounds very antisocial. That's no reason to pass that on to your kids or make them miserable by denying them normal social time with their friends. It's your DS's house too!

I think you should send this post to your partner so he can see how other people.view it.
I think he's being weird, uptight and controlling tbh...

Your son is socialising and that is good!

I can understand a parent being a bit grouchy, but I think you should tell your DP how his behaviour looks and warn him you think he is becoming a bit too grouchy and unfair.

I wonder if he is unhappy at work and this is how he relieves stress, by "lashing out" at an easy target, as it were?

This is a battle worth picking.

I always found having their friends round gave me peace from the children because they toddle off and play. All I had to do was provide a snack and off they went.
Besides that, having a close pal is really important to a child.
Your DP wants to understand this.

I don’t know , as they are still so young this is still a play date really. And I think they should finish by dinner time , especially on a week day .
An exception would be a birthday celebration or whatever . I can’t relax when there are non family in my home . Maybe I’m weird too ……

"the kid should leave at 5pm before he comes home."

Does he think it's the 1950s and everyone should be on their best behaviour and prepared for his arrival? Maybe you should all be standing at the door with his slippers and a newspaper. Gobshite.

Can’t be upstairs, can’t be in the garden, not happy if he’s been to the park? What is your ds supposed to do? Be turned off and wheeled into a cupboard? God forbid he exist!

As a kid, I had my best friend round a lot. Her mother had 5 other kids, she frequently ‘ran away’ from home because mum had come at her to smack her. I stayed at hers a few times, it was a normal thing to do as kids.

I would ask him for a lot more than five hundred then keep some of it to treat your sister to a weekend away another time if he is clearly tight when it comes to spending money on his disabled wife while he swans off on loads of holidays!

Sorry wrong thread! Sorry! I don't know how to delete x

This would piss me off bigtime

People have different standards and different need to have their own peace and queite. I would have thought 3 times a week until 6 or 7pm is a bit too much. I suppose its more difficult for the children to play outside these days than in used to be a couple of decades ago.
What I find odd is that your DH is texting you orders while he should have conversations with you about what he wants and feels and why. Hope you can find a compromise to keep you all happy.