DS 's lovely little pal and miserable DP

[Deathfingers]

DS 12 has a lovely little bestie. They have been best friends for around 4 years and hang around a bit either here, in his house or the local park, hes here maybe 2-3 times a week max.

Now they're older they stay out later, so either here, at his or out til about 7pm. If they come here it's usually til around 6pmish then they go out for an hour.

DP and I both work FT. He gets in around 6pm some days.

A few times in the past I'd get a message saying he'll "pre warn" me when he's on his way so I can shoo DS friend home because he's "been working and won't come home to DS pal here" Each time I usually reply with a breezy "don't worry they are both in his bedroom hanging out" and that used to end the madness, but lately his messages are getting more demanding and argumentative. Apparently its not normal for kids to be at each others houses all the time - its 3 times a week at most for a couple of hours? He's also started hinting that I'm acting strange by wanting his friend here all the time (I dont? It's for DS!)

I get it, I like my peace, and his pal is very comfortable here 😬 he'll just wander in to the kitchen and grab an apple or drink without asking but meh, I secretly think it's pretty cool that he's so comfortable here and there's no issues re: the extra food he eats, it's not a lot and he is very polite. But DP says he doesnt want him even if they are upstairs bothering no one.

DC aren't allowed sleepovers etc because DP doesn't like it, he also doesn't like them playing in the garden, so I feel if I let him stop letting them have pals around to chill they won't have much left they can do!

Who's the odd one here? I think it's totally normal for pals to go to each others houses while parents are in, he thinks this isnt usual, I'm the weird one, and the kid should leave at 5pm before he comes home.

If its not me who's being strange how do I handle this? I'm so tempted to just reply with "no" and not engage next time I receive my pre warning message.

Having friends over, playing in the garden and having sleepovers are totally normal parts of a healthy childhood.

Do your children realise it's DP prohibiting this? They will grow up to resent him, and you for allowing him to be so controlling. They aren't being allowed to develop as individuals in their own home - why does DP get to rule the roost?

Is he the real dad? It's even worse if he's not.

Getting home at 6pm isn't even late, he sounds like a miserable man child. I bet this is just the tip of the iceberg & he makes you all miserable

I'd be 'allowed' friends round but tbh I wouldn't bother as he'd be here he never goes out anywhere. I do have my bestie round in the days sometimes when we're off, no issues there it's just the kids.

Same on non work days.

I've mentioned a garden room so I can WFH in there and kids can go in but tbh there's more we need to do in the house first but it's an idea definitely!

Its jointly owned

No it's not that, I get where you're coming from but no he'd have said if he thought that.

What is his actual reason for not wanting the friend there?

Think he has to accept life is a compromise. If he's not expected to engage with this friend and the friend is polite and not requiring care and attention then he should be grateful his child has a friend.

If you can chat to ds and soften the atmosphere by talking about how tired dad is so could they swap venues for get togethers ... see if you could encourage using other kids house too, for fewer clashes of interests that might help keep the peace.

He should try having a ds with no friends and miserable and see if that's preferable.

I'd have more sympathy if his peace was being shattered by raucous play or annoying demands etc but I think he just needs to exercise a bit of tolerance for this, if just the awareness of this other person's presence (but they are quietly in a room) is enough to unbalance him.

When you have kids you have to hope expect they'll have a life and may do things which will affect you a bit... So long as it is within reason (and I think this is).

He is getting worse. Glad it's not me being weird he can be very convincing sometimes. I usually pickmy Battles but when it involves the DC I'll happily to toe to toe if I have to. I do think a simple "no" next time I get pre-warned is the way to go.

Please keep a very close eye on this RE him getting worse and you normally appeasing him.

Oh gosh, OP.

This is hard isn't it. He sounds joyless 😢
What fun things does he like to do with you and the kids?

At 50 I could still tell you which of my childhood friends had miserable sods for fathers..

"Hes been at work all day"

Or

"Just doesn't see why he needs to be here"

Even though you don't hear a peep apart from laughter or the game. I usually Potter about upstairs so I can 'catch' when one of them says they are getting a drink and ill get it instead so they don't go downstairs.

Writing that down makes me realise how pathetic I am for pandering to it

*I usually Potter about upstairs so I can 'catch' when one of them says they are getting a drink and ill get it instead so they don't go downstairs.

Writing that down makes me realise how pathetic I am for pandering to it*

Yikes! That's a massive red flag. 😳

What the fuck did he have children for then?
I was always delighted if my only child had friends round, so he wasn’t lonely. It’s your child’s home too. What a miserable selfish arse this man is. I’d be telling him to go and find somewhere else to live so he really can be alone.

This is so archaic! My mum used to have to do this as my dad wouldn't have other peoples kids in the house 😂 Tell him where to go, it’s controlling and abusive

Your husband sounds SUPER WEIRD
How sad that they can’t go in the garden
that you have to scurry about protecting him from an interaction with a small child

Having a friend like that when you are a child is magical.

^ it really is. It's something you don't know you miss until adulthood and new friendships just don't evolve like that typically. My friend was at our house five nights a week for years and was a member of the family basically.

Your husband is boring and annoying.
It's dc house as well and in 10 year you will miss them around.

In what other ways is he awful? I bet there are many. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around this miserable git?

I remember Dads like that when I was a kid. There’s always one friend with a grumpy dad isn’t there? I was relieved my dad was lovely.

maybe your DH’s Dad was a bit of a prick? And he’s had some odd role modelling?

That sounds awful OP. It sounds like your DP casts a big black cloud over your house & your lives! I wonder too why he agreed to have children. If it carries on, I would seriously consider leaving him or at least insist he gets some sort of therapy.

To me, this is a classic case of a man not liking a child getting older and doing his own thing/forming his own friendships etc where the man is not in control of them.

Some men are quite happy with younger children who they can be in charge of.
No you can't play in the garden. Yes you can have swimming lessons. No he can't play with Samantha at the park, we are going home etc.

Then they are twelve and they want to do their own thing but ultimately the man is still in charge. It's his house it's his money.

Then they are fifteen and the man isn't in charge. The child is physically bigger than the man and certainly fitter, he has a Saturday job and he doesn't see why he can't go in the garden so he does.

The next thing you know the man wants the child out of the house at sixteen.

I do think a simple "no" next time I get pre-warned is the way to go.

Yes asert the boundary but a calm conversation about it also needs to happen and not when the friends is over.

What's the rest of your relationship like? Do you get on? Do you generally discuss things together?

You're just trying to look after your son. Your husband is being wildly unreasonable and unkind.

My dad was like this. I hated it. Tell your DH this is a sure fire way for your kid to resent him.

Does he do much with your son if his friend isn’t around?

When DS was younger did he have play dates etc?

I kind of get his pic a bit. I need to prepare mentally for having other kids in the house, and there's no way they'd be helping themselves in the kitchen, but when I know about it in advance all good and they can definitely go in the garden. 3 times a week does sound like a lot though .