Not going to have grandchildren- do what you want?

[Tumbleweed101]

My children have decided they don’t want children. I’m a little sad as I’d have liked some grandchildren however does this mean I can move into the next stage of life guilt free? Move where I want, do what I want away from my children. I’ve been a single mum for 13 years. My eldest children are mid 20s and youngest are 18 and 15. Obviously I still need to care for youngest a few more years but am I wrong to start making plans? Anyone else with adult children not wanting their own children? Have you put plans in place? Most of my peers have grandchildren so they are tied up helping with them so wondered what free 50s are doing.

Both of mine have stated an intention to have children in the future. Both in their 20s.

I have not made my plans according to whether they do or do not have kids.

I think my view maybe different to others. My parents lived 3 hours away when I had my kids so they were always a wonderful holiday destination for glorious summers and riotous christmases rather than regular caregivers. I'm expecting to be the same.

It's not really about whether your children produce grandchildren or not.

And it seems like you have at least 4 children. maybe more.

You'll probably end up with grandchildren.

But with a 15 year old at home, who hasn't even taken GCSE's yet?

Sounds like you want to do a runner and excape any responsibility.

Just how have you set up and supported each of your children to lead independent lives?

Because you are already running away from all parental responsibility.

OP calm down wannabe Grandma 🤣

At 16 I was determined I wasn't ever getting married and having kids................at 20 I was married with 1 baby and pregnant with baby number 2.

I swore I was never having children then at 36 had my daughter followed by my son at 39. Whilst I wouldn’t put my life on hold just in the off chance my children might have children sometimes things happen. Best thing that ever happened to me and yes I would love to be a granny!

It probably is too soon for them to know for sure. I thought children were akin to vermin until my late 20s, then suddenly I liked them at around 30 😂I then had two kids, at 32 and 35, though I would never have imagined I'd want some even in my 20s. Besides that though, if my kids decided not to want their own kids, I would still want to be around them and enjoy their company and their lives (assuming they want me to), it sounds like you think that because they don't want children they won't want you around either? (Though I'm autistic and may have misinterpreted that - but whatever I'd decided I would have wanted my mum around)

@lilkitten Vermin? Let’s hope that your children never decide that older people are akin to vermin and start viewing you that way.

I have one DC who can't have kids. Not sure they want any either.

It takes a while to get over. I think your brain assumes you'll have grandkids one day when you have kids. I guess my DC might adopt but otherwise I'm planning to be the crazy Great-Aunt instead.

If you want to travel or move away etc in a few years then I would. It really does start to become your time again.

I didn't want children at all, I wanted dogs dogs and more dogs, I met my partner aged 21 and around 25 I just knew I wanted a family with this man and now we have 2 children and another on the way, couldn't imagine life without them! So much changes, I didn't even know who I was at 15!

People can say they want children and change their mind. People can intend to have children and not be able to.

Personally I knew I didn’t want children from a young age and I’ve never wavered in that. Some may change their mind, but others don’t.

Just live your life as you wish to.

You can do what you like, but I wouldn’t assume what your kids are saying now to be set in stone… especially the 15 year old.

I never wanted kids, did a complete u-turn in my 30s, and got my wonderful DD at 38.

I never wanted children until I was in my early 30s and met my partner. We were too busy traveling and enjoying ourselves and didn't think about children. I used to look at my sister's and think I would never want that. We now have two children and I love my life now. Your children can change their mind.

Yes, this, it's difficult to make plans for the rest of your life if they are still living with you.
There's no way that they can be sure they don't want children yet. My DD didn't want children in her 20's but changed her mind later.
And even if they do have children there's nothing to say that you need to live close by to be around to help, you're DM to your own DC, not necessarily your GC - your life and your choice.

We have friends with two adult sons, one gay and one steadfastly single man with a very demanding career. We know that they'd love grandchildren but I suspect that they've known for many years that this is unlikely to happen, she's intensely private and I'd never raise it with her but feel sad for them.

I wouldn't put my life on hold on the off chance that my children decided to have children.

Lol I was 37 when eldest grandchild born. Had t got round to thinking about them by that stage. However I don't plan my life around grandchildren anyway.

I had my eldest when I was 28 and dc2 when I was 31. At 16, I was adamant I was never having choir getting married. I met dh shortly before I was 17 and we married 5 years later. We then decided to have children when I was late 20's. Until we decided to have a family, we would still have said we weren't going to! A lot changes as you get older and meet someone. We never put pressure on our dcs to have children of their own. We certainly didn't plan our lives around potential grandchildren. One DC now has dcs, the other doesn't and most likely, won't. We love being GPS, but it doesn't define our lives. We love them dearly, see them often and can't imagine life without them.
My advice would be to live your life and enjoy whatever you do. Your dcs may or may not become parents, but don't wish your life away hoping - they will pick up on it and will feel pressured.

Once your 15 year old is 16 they can be left overnight alone so you can plan a small measure of freedom then. Weekends away, childfree holidays. Enjoy exploring where you might move to next

It seems weird you think you'll be busy doing childcare. Your dc don't know yet anyway. It would be folly to put responsibility on them for your future activities imo

Well because you might want to live very near your Grandchildren, but if there aren't any you might want to live in Peru.

But making those decisions based on what kids the age of the OP's are is bonkers.

Go to Peru, if Grandchildren come along, make your decision then.

They can be left alone, when they're 15.

I decided to have DC in my late 30’s. At 15-35 I absolutely did not want kids. Don’t base your decisions on what your kids may or may not do.

Why not?
Some know from a very early age and never waver
That's the same as saying how can someone know they are gay at 15 or 18.
Of course, they can know what they want out of life
@Tumbleweed101 Start planning, start saving, enjoy your older, GC-free age. At least you can be sure that you won't find yourself being berated on here as a 'too involved/not involved enough Grand Parent' !!

Go ahead and make your plans for yourself!

My MIL decided to retire as soon as we said we were expecting.

She is somewhat disappointed that we don't want to use her for childcare (lots of good reasons for it...). She babysits or visits plenty, but still wants more.

Never plan your life around someone else.

Absolutely this! I had never thought my dd1 particularly wanted children, we hadn’t really discussed it. She was 38 when she had her first of three. Dd2, now early 40s, had often said she’d rather have a dog, and never did turn broody.

What certainly would have upset me, was if either had really wanted children but was unable to have them.