Not going to have grandchildren- do what you want?

[Tumbleweed101]

My children have decided they don’t want children. I’m a little sad as I’d have liked some grandchildren however does this mean I can move into the next stage of life guilt free? Move where I want, do what I want away from my children. I’ve been a single mum for 13 years. My eldest children are mid 20s and youngest are 18 and 15. Obviously I still need to care for youngest a few more years but am I wrong to start making plans? Anyone else with adult children not wanting their own children? Have you put plans in place? Most of my peers have grandchildren so they are tied up helping with them so wondered what free 50s are doing.

I didn’t want kids until meeting DH in my 30s, and it took until late 30s before I was actually ready.
You sound desperate to get away from your kids. Do what you want but don’t use them not having kids yet as an excuse.

Sounds like your life has been focussed on your kids for a long time, my suggestion would be, without thinking about grandkids, now is the time to do what you want to do. Of grandkids happen, they happen, your life doesn’t need to go on hold for them.

Until I met my husband at 28, I was so sure I didn't want children that I'd researched getting sterilised. I only didn't make effort to get it done because I'd still get periods so it didn't seem worth the hassle. A lot of my friends at that time felt less strongly about it but still said they didn't want them. We nearly all have children now or are trying.

Obviously not everyone changes their mind about the topic, but plenty of people do. A 15 or 18 year old can't be certain they won't want kids one day.

I was adamant until I was about 38 that I was never having children, we're planning to start TTC our 2nd in a couple of months!

I wouldn't assume that young people of an age range of 15-25 actually have the faintest idea what their wishes will e by the age of 32.

I wouldn't take their word for it but neither would I structure my own life so as to "Live in hopes" that they change their minds.

Whether or not grandchildren might be on the cards your actions should be the same. Whilst obviously continuing to provide care and support for each of your own children according to their age and needs, you also need to look after yourself and seek opportunities to reach your ambitions and achieve fulfilment in whatever ways appeal to you. Build the life that works for you.

If grandchildren come along in 10-20 years time that's a bonus but it would be silly to wait around in limbo just in case that happens. And if you have joined the circus or started up a B&B in the shetland Islands or taken up skydiving that won't stop you from being a great grandma - in fact you'll probably be a rather better grandma than if yoi spent 2 decades in cautious conformity just in case. You certainly don't need to maintain a capacity to provide childcare if asked. As and when a child arrives, if they ever do, you can look at what you could fit in, and offer that if you wish - but you don't have a duty to provide such help.

I was in my 30’s when I came around to the idea of having children. It wouldn’t occur to me to plan my life around DD having children. If she did and she said she needed help I would change things at that point.

I wouldn’t hang around waiting to see if/when they have grandchildren or not. If you have plans once you’re an empty nester - crack on! Life is too short. Plans can always be changed, but waiting just in case? You could be waiting a long time.

Why are you taking your 15 and 18 year olds choices now about having children seriously?!

I do have grandchildren, who I love dearly and see quite often, but I still do what I want, when I want to.
Life is too short. Live YOUR life.

Of course a 15 yo and 18yo especially don't know for sure if they want kids, but the grandchildren comments are not even relevant. Of course you can plan for the next phase of your life...however your 15 year old could be with you for many years still so I think you are a little premature to be making these plans.

Even if your kids actively wanted children there’s no guarantee it’d happen, and most people don’t grow into adults who stick to every pronouncement they made as a teenager.

Either way, don’t base the whole of the rest of your one and only precious life on things that may or may not happen and are entirely outside your control.

What do you want your life to look like at 50? Where do you want to live? What would your ideal job be? What are you interested in? What makes you happy?

Create a fulfilling life for yourself regardless and you never know, unexpected grandchildren may be the icing on the cake.

Go and live the life you love. You can can be a grandparent from anywhere in the world. Technology (face time) and transport means nothing is impossible.

Bit young to be worrying or making decisions. My oldest is 30yo and has been living with his gf gor 3 years. No thought of GC. They did get a cat though!

This all seems a tad dramatic. I didnt want kids at that age and now I have two. My friends said the same and they now have them. I am not saying that everyone changes their mind but people do change their minds all the time about how their want their lives to pan out.

This comes across as a little petulant and as if you want to flounce off because they arent giving you what you want. Relax. You have no idea what will happen in the future. You can move if you want, it's your life so do what makes you happy.

I didn't have my DS until I was 35 and didn't discuss my preferences with parents. You could just have to wait a couple a of decades.

This. I thought all were in their 30s or 40s! Which then would be understandable.

You have 4 children. It’s statistically pretty unlikely all 4 will stick to a decision never to have kids, unless there is something like a hereditary genetic condition in your family.

If you only had one or 2 kids things might be different.

I was thinking the same thing.

Far too early for the children, even the oldest ones, to decide for definite. In my twenties, I was adamant children weren’t on my radar. I was happy with our two cats - they were my babies. But then I hit 30 and decided to have one, followed by another three years later. People often change their minds. But it’s irrelevant anyway, you must do what you want in life, and not make your choices dependent on having grandchildren. My dd’s baby is due this year, but I don’t intend to rearrange my life to accommodate. I work ft anyway, and will happily babysit, but I recently received a message asking if I was up for looking after baby a day a week once she returns to work. I wfh f/t 😐, but apparently I can watch baby whilst working. Obviously put her straight on that one……

I didn't want children. I have two. I didn't plan to have them, they just arrived. Your own children are very young still, they may change their minds or children may just come along unplanned.

I don't believe that parents should have to put their lives on hold for grandchildren UNLESS that is what they want to do. Many people do. I felt for some time that if we moved house it would need to be within a certain distance of my non-driving daughter and her family because they relied on us for lifts for things - I realise now that it was very useful to have us to give them lifts but ultimately they chose to live where they do and I should have the freedom to do the same. I have not moved away, by the way, and still give them lifts, but I now say no if it doesn't suit me.

if you choose a life, once your children are all adults, which does not leave room for what some might see as the traditional supporting role of a grandparent, just let them know. I see so many posts on here from people who are absolutely incensed that their parents won't (they don't consider whether they actually can) do child care, have the children to stay overnight, support them financially or whatever, that it's best your children know beforehand what you intend to do with your life and that that does not include looking after their children.

Why do you say that?
Our 17yo ds says what he'd like most out of life is a wife and children. I don't see what's wrong with that?

So you have at least 4 children- oldest in mid-20s?! No way have any of them made a final decision about children.

Regardless- live your life for you. Do what you want when your children are grown up. Be active and happy. If and when grandchildren come along your children could have moved anywhere in the world.

In my family my mum didn’t have any grandchildren until her youngest was in mid 30s. My sister now has 3 kids and lives an hour away from her so she sees them weekly. I have 3 kids and live a long way from her but she’s closer to them than their grandparents who live close by (who are lovely) because she speaks to them on FaceTime and makes holidays at hers very special and comes to see us regularly.

I think basing your entire future on whether or not your children do or don’t have grandchildren is quite strange, live your life however you want.

If they do have kids then they’re your children’s responsibility anyway not yours, and in any case they could move half way round the world if they decided to, they could settle anywhere they please.

I’d actually hope a 17 year old would have wider aspirations.

I don’t understand what difference it makes. We have children and a grandchild, we’re all very close and we’re downsizing to another city for retirement anyway. You don’t have to live in the same place to see them regularly.