If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

Oh god don't ask me that ?

My family is very small, my brother isn’t that interested in meeting up so I seldom see him. My friends mean a lot to me

Very similar situation to this. Ex friend endlessly bragged about how amazing her children are. She spoke about literally nothing else. Other friends had already cut her off but she remained surprised about this!

I think I’ve worked it out, it was that she was insecure and so scared of being rejected that she rejected me first. Cut me off after misunderstanding / misinterpreting something. Insecurity.

@Okaaaay I found my friend who would ask lots about me but never answer any questions about herself strange and I had mentioned it to DH long before she dropped me. Have you had small reservations about your friend? I remember her practically interviewing me about one of my friends, she’s now friends with her not me!
I also feel like I’ll never meet my tribe, you aren’t alone in that.

Sounds like a lucky escape for your two friends.

I too have been on both ends of this.

The reasons I have distanced myself are:

1. Chronic flakiness. Them constantly asking to meet up then being an hour late, or cancelling at the very last minute (after I've already cooked a meal or arranged a babysitter/bought tickets for them etc). I did speak to them about it but nothing changed. They didnt have ADHD or depression or anything like that, they were just very casual with my time. I have no problem with people cancelling with some notice but to cancel 80% of the time with like, 5 mins notice is just rude. Especially after I have gone to the cost and effort of arranging things to accommodate them. It got to the point one day where I just had enough and stopped contacting or replying to them. I had already brought the issue up with them so they'd be pretty dense not to realise why.
2. Constant negativity and moaning about things but never taking any action to solve it. Dont mind a bit of complaining- we all do it, but when it's all the time and relentless it leaves you feeling utterly drained and they're treating you like an emotional dumpster or as their personal therapist. Especially when they wont do anything to help themselves.

I've had people do this to me and I found out that one was going through some health issues. I offered support, texted them messages of support, didnt pressure them or anything and still nothing, so I figured not much more I can do. I wont chase people to contact me.

The second one who did this to me I found out that they had done it to all their friends and they have now sadly ended up very alone so thats clearly a them issue. We cannot fix other people- we all have to take responsibility for our behaviours.

I used to be really hurt about being ghosted but I feel much more philosophical about it now. None of us are perfect and all you can do is your best. If that isnt good enough for someone then radical acceptance is the best response. I think most of us know deep down if we have been out of order to someone and if someone is going to just dump you for some silly, small or trivial reason then they werent a good friend in the first place.

I've been on the other side of it too. Two very good friends of about 15 years friendship, both had been there to support me through some tough times involving my ex and custody court prep, up until court itself which went badly for me and timed with me losing my job in the same month. I fell into a deep depression, it was a very dark time and I could barely get out of bed, but I heard nothing from them. About 6 months later, when I'd picked myself back up, one of them texted me, basically admitting they had both known something that would have helped me in court, but neither of them had said a word. She then said that both she and other friend were 'here to talk' if I needed to. By that point I had healed enough not to want to relive the time, and I was very angry that they had gone AWOL on me. I replied with a 'No thank you' and I havn't spoken to them since. This was 2 years ago.

I'm still angry. But I'm sure they will have seen this as me ghosting them.

Depends on the family surely? I have lucked out and have brilliant siblings and parents. Some of my friends have family members who are utterly toxic and bring nothing but disruption and misery. I don't get this obligation to stay in touch with someone who is actively making your life more difficult then it needs to be just because you are related to them.

Happened to me. Not a clue why but it was very hurtful and strange. We had been friends for 15 years. We'd worked together, flat shared, socialised together. Spent loads of time together. Been through big life events together. I still have her number in my phone but I'm scared to use it in case she doesn't answer.

Someone did this to me after I had been on endless walks round the park with her during covid.

I got the impression that I irritated her - not sure why - and I think that after covid I just became surplus to requirements and she didn’t care.

I had a best friend all through school, we were joined at the hip until one day when we were about 22, she just completely blanked me. I had no idea what I was supposed to have done. I didn't see her again until we were 29 and she started a job at my place of work. Even at work, she would glare as I walked past. One day I walked past her in a corridor with a mutual friend and they both made the point of stopping talking and being completely silent as I walked past. I've wracked my brain over the years wondering what I could have done but no idea!

1. Constant negativity and moaning about things but never taking any action to solve it. Dont mind a bit of complaining- we all do it, but when it's all the time and relentless it leaves you feeling utterly drained and they're treating you like an emotional dumpster or as their personal therapist. Especially when they wont do anything to help themselves.

I have known a few people like this, it is bloody exhausting talking through the same shite and offering advice for years every time you meet. The stuff they were moaning about was within their power to change, sure it was not going to be easy, but if they wanted to they could do it. I think they were only happy unless they were unhappy.

I had a friend like this. DH and I split in the end (unrelated) I'm very surprised she didn't immediately make her move. She constantly told me how much she loved him after the split, I got sick of hearing it so stopped speaking to her.

She was and is married to a poor bloke who is constantly cheated on.

I have friends I have gone cold on, and it’s generally a combination of boundaries and circumstances problem and wanting different things. But here’s how it goes:

People are drawn to me because I listen! And I listen and listen and listen. And I’m genuinely curious and interested, and I really care. And I do my best to try to get some back and forth going, but people who have a great need to be listened to are not often skilled at conducting a genuine two-way conversation, and are often not actually very interested in other people, if they’re honest. Which is fine - not everyone is. But at some point I just run out of capacity for a person’s massive downloads into my head.

One day it will be nice to see Sharon and hear the latest instalment of her ongoing work drama - and the next day all of a sudden the idea of Sharon talking to me intensely for 2 hours as she usually does makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Because she has maxed out the Sharon Friendship storage space in my brain. I’m holding all this stuff for her and I can’t get any of my own stuff out, because she doesn’t make space for my stuff the way I do for hers. Maybe because her own brain is too full of Sharon stuff, which is why she needs to offload it so much and so urgently. Which I can understand. But at this point she needs to get herself another external hard drive or whatever, because mine is full.

I know there will be no point in having a conversation about this, because Sharon has demonstrated - often over the course of many years - that she can’t really listen, she doesn't really like to listen, she doesn’t want a conversation, that’s not how our friendship works. She wants me to continue to be available for her to tell me stuff, and enjoy the feeling of my close attention. If I tell her my concerns, she might be really fawning and apologetic in an attempt to do whatever it takes to get me to return to the dynamic where I listening to her - because that’s what she really wants. Or she might be tremendously hurt and/or sulky and need me to reassure her and make it up to her. Or she might be angry and go on the attack. But there isn’t a realistic possibility that she’ll be able to make room for anything about me in her mind, because she can’t.

I could try to find a way to engage more moderately - but people like this are often steamroller-y, and I don’t have the energy required to constantly push back. So one day I just can’t anymore.

And I imagine they think, ‘but Bunnyhair and I were so close! What’s gone wrong?’ When actually we weren’t close; they didn’t know much about me at all, or particularly care, if they’re honest. I was an object, a receptacle, a sounding board or just a warm body to keep them from being alone.

I have complex caring responsibilities and a very emotionally intense job. And I really can only spare time and energy these days for my absolute closest friends - people I’d give a kidney to. And even then it’s hard to make room.

The relationships I hang on to are the ones that feel genuinely mutual and very comfortable, with people who trust that I care about them even if I don’t reply to messages immediately or sometimes have to cancel or am hard to pin down. Anyone who brings a very anxious vibe and needs lots of reassurance, or who can’t take hints when I need a bit of space, or who scolds me if I don’t reply quickly, or who takes things very personally, just frankly feels like more work, and more complex caring responsibility, and I can’t and won’t take it on.

None of these people are necessarily doing anything wrong.

But when someone goes cold on you it might be helpful to think about what you miss about their friendship. What do you actually know about the person who’s pulling away? What do you like about them apart from the fact that they’re there and available and interested in spending time with you? Maybe you don’t miss them,
you miss the habit of their being there.

And maybe you don’t really want friendships as such, but you could do with some social support or therapy or pastoral care or a creative outlet for everything you want to express. Or maybe you want company so you don’t feel alone. Or a sense of community. But other people may be after different things. Or may not be able to give you what you need. And that’s OK too.

My mum was dying and my close friend stopped replying to texts and didn’t answer my calls. I never mentioned my mum or myself when I text her as to be honest I wanted to talk about something else, but she wasn’t interested. It was confusing & upsetting being dropped for seemingly no reason.
We met up a year or so later after my mum’s slow & painful death, she said we were ‘both going through a lot’ because her nephew broke his leg. She seemed to really think it was the same thing, we’re not close now.

Yes!! exactly.

I did this to a friend for being too tight. She would stop meals out to complain for the slightest mistake (forgetting coleslaw on the side of the order). She would ask you for £1 to split whatever small cost she’d incurred.

it just took the fun out of everything to always be obsessing about fairness in ££. I am quite a generous person and I found her tightness got worse and worse.

Yes I have - only once. She was someone I’d have classed as a fairly good friend in work. She decided to set up a side hustle and I politely declined as a regular customer (as she wasn’t near enough to where I live) and that was that; she has basically ghosted me since. She is coming back to work soon and I worry terribly she’ll make life unpleasant for me (she does have form for this) but what can I do?! I actually asked her if I’d upset her at all and was told no so I’m fairly sure the reason is the one above. I think some people project their own unhappiness onto others and use ‘ghosting’ as a form of control and manipulation. If I had a good friend who’d upset me enough to end the relationship, I’d find a way to sensitively tell them.

Yes we can all have our own moral compass. However, on surrogacy I would just like to comment that one of my family members have struggled to start their own family. Despite spending tens of thousands on IVF. They are unlikely to have children now as despite having excellent quality embryos she has an immune condition which means her body struggles to maintain a pregnancy. They have been through so much pain. So if they chose to go through appropriate surrogate channels I wouldn’t judge them and would think it harsh if others (who hadn’t struggled with infertility) did.

Not on me, but I went cold on a friend.

My youngest was in hospital as he nearly died, and a friend started sending me texts saying she was going to kill herself as her boyfriend spilt up with her she texted me she was going to kill herself on a weekly basis.
Instantly blocked.

Probably sound like a right cow, but just couldn't deal with it anymore.

@Bunnyhair Oh my gosh, I SO relate to your post. I am "the listener" in many of my friendships - will listen and support and offer gentle advice and yet problem is, after a while that dynamic becomes fixed and its then expected that you will be there for them to help them deal with all their emotional shit.

Meanwhile, any time you have an issue you'd like some support with, its not available because after all, you are the one people go to for advice, not the person with problems so there is no support there. I have noticed that people are extremely intolerant when someone who is usually "the strong one" starts to struggle. It's like they cant handle the fact that you are human too and also have needs. You merely exist to prop them up.

Its really important to check in on your friends who you think might be strong and capable- we struggle too, and often there is noone there to support us because everyone just assumes we're fine and can handle it.

I phased out a friend - our interests diverged. Every time we spoke she would moan and be really negative, and also obsess over likes on social media which I just didn't think were important.

She also thought we were much closer than we were. Can't explain it but every time she messaged she'd make me feel stressed and like I wanted her to leave me alone. So I told her I'd message when I had time and I just never did (because I didn't find any time I wanted to spend on her). Eventually she got the message.

I’ve done this to three friends over the years. All centred around similar issues interestingly. I met my DH young (19), two friends I had at the time were very vocal about how I could ‘do better’ (looks wise absolutely nothing to do with him as a man or a partner). I knew quite quickly that we were in it for the long run and didn’t want to be around people who had been so unnecessarily judgemental about the man I was spending my life with.

A few years later I had a friend who was great until I told her I was pregnant. She would then make a lot of comments about all the things I would miss out on, how annoying people with babies are etc. Realised I didn’t need someone that could be so negative about something so positive in my life. No regrets about any of them.

So much this. I’m a really good listener. I don’t see people anymore who just talk incessantly about themselves.

Somr friendships start out quite balanced but as time progresses their true nature comes out and oh my god they can talk and talk and talk.

Ive recently given up on someone who never stopped talking about her life. I see her occasionally and we have a quick chat in the street and we say we’ll have coffee but I never initiate or respond because why would I want to listen to someone for 2 hours drone on about themselves.

as mentioned above, I can push back and try to turn the conversation towards me but it’s very brief and they it’s back to her and I just can’t be bothered with such a one sided affair.

She knows very little about me, correct.

If you want ant to get better at holding onto decent people: listen, take mental notes, ask them what happened from the time you left off. It’s not hard, it’s just polite.

Did you know that wheh you talk about yourself it lights up a reward centre on your brain.

Don’t keep spamming that button. It will drive people away.

The biggest difference I’ve learnt for communication is doing a coaching qualification. You learn to listen and to ask meaningful questions that draw out the essence of a person. I’m not suggesting you coach your friends but it’s really interesting to watch someone hold space. It’s the gaps in our conversations that hold the most depth, where you offer someone the chance to go deeper rather than fill it with your own shizzle.

Don’t feel compelled to fill in gaps. That’s my biggest advice.

And make sure you ask someone during your meet ups, how are you, no, like really how are? And wait….

We ask at the start, perfunctory greeting etc but make sure to ask again. Properly.

That’s for the quiet ones like me. That need probing to open up.