If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

And in these dynamics there is often also not any of the lighthearted give and take that is also important in sustaining a friendship. Just riffing off one another and having a laugh and enjoying one another’s company. It is all about support and listening, or being an audience for their anecdotes and providing validation, or just being there so they’re not alone.

I have let a very long friendship drift because my friend has developed extremely strong views about an issue. Its not that I disagree with the stance she takes, but I do disagree with her methods (illegal). She also has little interest in me or my life now, makes no more effort than I do to keep in touch, and is rather disapproving of me because I do not hold such strong views. It makes me sad, but several years in, I don't think it will change now.

Turned out she thought I would find out she was having an affair.
We met through a mutual hobby- group of about 6 of us, she and I were the only women and all but one member was in ltr (it's a male dominated hobby). After about a year she asked me to cut a member out of the group- founder of the group and a nice but awkward guy- but wouldn't give a reason beyond he could be a stickler to the rules of the hobby. I said no, I wouldn't cut ties but would be happy to do a separate group without him as well for aspects of the hobby he didn't like as a compromise.
She left my house saying that was fine and never spoke to me again. We were in each other's house.almost every day very good friends, kids friends etc. I couldn't understand why she had cut me off completely. Both me and the founder group member were totally ostracised. She would walk out of the supermarket if she saw me. I was dead to her with no explanation. It was pretty upsetting at the time.
A few months later it came out that founder member had walked in on her and another also married member having sex during a meeting. He'd told them that they should tell their spouses but he wouldn't say anything to the group.
Her husband found out about the affair (she did not tell him) and left her. She didn't want the affair partner outside of their affair (he didn't make enough money for her sahm lifestyle). Affair partners wife (lovely) left him and kept their dog (no kids) and I finally had an explanation. Founder member had not told me the full story after we were cut off from the group as it wasn't something he thought other people should know before their husband/ wife knew.
Founder member and I are still friends 9 years later.

In the process of disengaging from a good friend - I feel like she just wants a sounding board to talk about her insecurities and I have to constantly reassure her - often about her looks - eg 'I'm not too fat am I?'. It's become very tiresome as the last few times she's mentioned that another friend said such and such about her on the same topic and I've realised she's doing the rounds of friends asking them all for reassurance about herself and while I care about her, I don't think it's good for her (or me!) to keep going with this cycle which is just fueling the vanity/insecurity. She's also a little bit bitchy about other people and I am really trying hard not to get drawn into negative talk about anyone.

Also - she borrowed a fairly large sum of money from me and despite asking for her to repay it a few times she just hasn't, complains about how she has so little money and yet spends loads on clothes and holidays. Feels too late to ask again but it's another case of putting herself first, and the dynamic seems to be I am expected to provide conversation / reassurance, money etc while she tends to go out and have fun w other people and it's a role I don't want to play any more.

My late Dad once advised me to surround myself with positive people and I think of that sometimes - not everyone can be positively happy at all times obviously, but I think in friendships we owe it to one another to try not to be too moany.

I identify with this so much as it's happened to me so many times. When the reason you became friends in the first place - usually because it's fun to be with one another - becomes all about one person's insecurities or upsets, the listener/'giver' can just feel like they're disappearing and their only function is to support the needy one.

I haven't read the full thread but I cut my friend off because all she did was speak badly of people, never a kind word to say about anyone even those who are her friends yet she'd be out drinking with the same people every weekend, posting on socials how wonderful they were.
I made a choice to cut her off, didn't reply to her messages, didn't explain myself because I came to the conclusion there was nothing to be gained from a conversation.
If she was talking badly about them then what was she saying about me

She knows very little about me, correct

Yes, I think this is the true indicator of such a friendship. If you asked me about certain people who were in my life, I could tell you their entire life story from age 5 onwards. I could tell you their inner most thoughts and feelings, what they struggle with, what they like/dislike, what all their relationships are like, probably even what they had for breakfast that morning etc..

If you asked them about me, they'd struggle to even name my favourite film or know how I drink my coffee. Thats not because I wont tell them those things either, it's because there is so little space in our interactions for me to even offer that information! That feeling of not being known is absolutely horrible. It makes you feel invisible and like you dont matter and thats exactly why I have distanced myself from them.

Absolutely, and thinking males should compete in female sport is the cusp of misoginy, and I could never be friends with misoginists.
OP re your problem, one of my best friends was ghosted by a uni friend, so were my husband and I who also knew her. I told my friend it wasn´t her, it was definitely something going on in this other person´s life, obviously communication wasn´t her forte.

I had a mum friend who I met through a baby class who was constantly asking to come stay with us every school holiday. We'd moved away, near to a desirable holiday area. Every school holiday I'd get asked if she could come and visit and I kept having to put her off - school holidays are often tricky times for us. I know they are easy for people who work TTO, but dh and I often are doing lots of juggling of dc during school holidays and we still have to work. I kept saying, sorry, can't do then, really busy with work.

Finally, she asked one last time and I didn't respond because I was so overwhelmed with life and work and just didn't even get around to thinking about another request from her. And then she unfriended and blocked me. 😂

And that was that. I get it's probably annoying if someone doesn't respond to your messages. But I was truly snowed under and we get these requests from people constantly as we have the space and are in the right location for everyone's holiday, and I just couldn't deal with one more. So I assume she took it really personally?

Often though, I honestly think that what people interpret as someone going cold on them is just someone not wanting to engage because stuff is going on - maybe they are dealing with something, maybe they are worried about their jobs, maybe they are depressed, maybe they are worried their husband is cheating, etc. People are dealing with stuff and often they isolate when they are. Doesn't make it not rude, but I think maybe people take it a bit too personally that it is about them when it isn't.

I'm reading a lot of replies on here of people blaming themselves.
Writing massive apologies,and wracking their brains to think what they might have done.

I think the most likely scenario is the ghostee is a massive user,who got it hat they wanted and then fucked off.
Leaving the ghosted to be guilt ridden and left with anxiety.
I'd say good riddance,and live your best life and not give them a second thought.

Because she was self obsessed and when I had issues in my life I needed her support for she just didn't want to do that. She wanted everything to be about her and couldn't cope with me expecting a reciprocal friendship. I just wish I'd found this out before I had her as my bridesmaid.

Friend of about 8 years had fallen out with her closest friends and I felt sorry for her. I started inviting her out with my other friends and it was great at first. She very subtlely (at first) tried to drop me from my friendship group, particularly with my closest friend. She would say that I had said things that I hadn't, leave me out (saying I couldn't attend, when I hadn't been asked etc). I thought I was imagining things at first. Then she just started ignoring me. When I asked her about it, she said I was imagining things and trying to cause trouble.

Thankfully, I had been close with my other friends for a long time and they could see what was happening. They are still my closest friends now, ten years later, and she has moved from friend to friend to friend. I still feel a bit sorry for her to be honest, because I don't think she knows friendship.

I've had that happen to me several times over the years. If I know for sure I've not done or said anything to upset them and I'm genuinely puzzled by their behaviour I ask them once, very politely if I've accidentally upset them, if they won't give me a reasonable answer then I walk away. If they're not prepared to give me a decent answer for their behaviour then that's their problem, not mine!

I distanced myself from one because every time I spoke to her she did nothing but complain but never did anything about it. Everyone was a bitch. The final straw was when she cancelled something we both volunteer at but didn't have the courtesy to tell me, I found out from the council, she left me to do two people's jobs and refused to answer my calls or messages.

I've not spoken to her since. She's a fucking liar, and a mood hoover who sucks all the joy out of everyone and everything. I don't need negative people in my life, if they don't add anything they can go.

She was a lovely friend and I was always happy and upbeat after we spent time together. But she developed a very intense close friendship with a neighbour of mine that I don't really like. My neighbour is competitive,.gossiping and social climbing and I find her exhausting. They started doing stuff together and I would be left out and it hurt. My neighbour would make a point of seeking me out and going on and on at me about how fantastic my friend was and how they are like family now. I did try a few times to see my friend on her own while it was happening but she didn't want to. She only had time for me if the neighbour came too. We never talked about it. I know I took a step back but in reality she had already ditched me. It's a long time ago now. It still hurts and is confusing if I think about it but I don't often. I have good friends who I cherish. I think if it ever happened again I would try to be more open and talk about it upfront.

I cut off a friend and she claims to have no idea why. She was incredibly possessive and became even more so in the 2 years we were friends. To the point I would hide in my house with the curtains closed because she would have to be either sitting with me in the house or accompanying me when I went out. She would ring me up and say 'where are you? ... um... at Morrisons and she would tell me how awful I was to go to Morrisons without her because she needed to shops as well'. She would 'joke' she was the third person in our marriage and was furious with me when we once had friends of DH's stay with us because we had not invited her as well (she lives less than a 5 minute walk away).

Then DH and I went out to dinner with a colleague of his and his wife. In the same village where we all live and she 'caught' us. She was so angry we had not invited her (just.... why.... she did not know them) that she sent me a series of increasingly abusive texts and phone messages and e-mails over a period of days I said to her 'If you want to talk about this, then fine, let's go to the pub and talk about it' and she responded by screaming at me in the street and threw a punch at me.

So I dumped her and never spoke to her again. Her e-mails became worse and I just kept them all but did not respond because what could I say? She swears blind she has no idea why I don't communicate with her and even though it's been 15 years I have had people come up to me and say; why don't you talk to S? She's heartbroken and has no idea what she has done'.

They soon find out though because she has a pattern of the same behaviour with new people. All her friendships become very intense and last about 2 years before they have to stop communicating with her for their own sanity. (Or move.... I personally know 3 couples who have moved house to get away from her).

I stopped talking to a friend a few years Uni. She was my first good friend, probalby because we are both a bit unusual types. She always had a form for slight manipulation which grew after we graduated. I think she didnt like that we dont see each other as much. Later she also had comments about my relationship and about a mutual friends relationship. The last drop was when she was unimpressed that I didnt stop talking to a group of friends at a Uni function to concentrate on her and got nasty. I missed the whole evening and stopped talking to her or responding. Her behaviour reminded me that of my father and I just couldnt cope.
Met her briefly at a conference this year and a plain Hi was jsut about what I managed and dreading conferences to come.

I think you're right, people really do find out. I had actually been warned about this person previously, but I actually didn't believe the person who warned me (more fool me). We had been friends for 8 years when the issues started and she had always been lovely, but I realised that all her friendships are very carefully engineered in the way that she wants them to be.

Happened to me all my adult life with various people who I thought were long term friends. It does hurt and I often drop out of the wider group, so missing even more connections.

My very best friend of many, many years has gone very cold with me since I had my 2nd child. I’m actually in denial about it, it hurts. She’s like my sister. No acknowledgment of my 30th birthday, no acknowledgment of my sons birthday. Doesn’t call or text anymore. I honestly feel sick typing this out 😢.

I have a friend who regular flounces and stops contacting me. We don’t see each other often but usually message chatty stuff most days. The first time it happened I was a bit sad and confused, messaged her, asked what was wrong etc - no reply, and then a few weeks later she just started messaging again as if everything was normal.
Since then it’s happened about twice a year. I’ve realised that it’s all about her. She is very needy and has very high expectations of friends and family. They are expected to know exactly how she feels every second of the day, and find the perfect way to respond to her many many messages every single time. If they fall short she cuts them off. I’ve watched her remove several important friends from her life.
So now I don’t care when she flounces. I just leave her to it. She always comes back. And if she doesn’t, then it’s her loss. Currently she’s ignoring me because she sent me a screenshot of part of a conversation with her boss, asked for my opinion, and I asked for more information to make a judgement. That, in her mind, is intolerable.

I agree- people do warn you. I was warned. But I was new to the village (It's the newbies she targets) and wanted to make friends. And she was so lovely and generous at first.

When we 'fell out' (I maintain that I did not fall out with her, she fell out with me) I had people I had never spoken to and say; 'We wondered how long that friendship would last... do you want to join our book club?' And I have made a number of friends since with people who were genuinely too scared to approach me because they had had experience of this person and did not want to get her abuse if they spoke to me. I recall one party I went to when we were friends, I was speaking to a woman I had not met before- just small talk and 'S' came over with a face like thunder and physically pushed me away from her.. as in literally got behind me and pushed me to another section of the room'.

Why? There is no legal or moral obligation to keep in touch with rubbish people just because you happen to be related to them.

I don't see what you have to lose by messaging her to ask if you've offended her in some way.