If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

I am on the other side of this - I cut ties with a friend without explanation and she'd probably say she has no idea why (because she was spectacularly un -selfware.)

She was fun to be with and good company, we had kids of a similar age and got to know each other through playgroup. She was also the most unreliable person I've ever known, she ran late for everything, cancelled at short notice, wouldn't ever respond to texts or answer voice messages, endless excuses about kids taking her phone, battery running out, last minute emergency at home, and lots of giggling and "what am I like??" comments.

Eventually it got to the stage that I just couldn't be bothered with her any more.

@Showerscreen i don’t know if i
thanked You last night - but this is excellent advice and has made sense to a few of us on here so thank you ☺️

In my case the friend had actively and repeatedly encouraged me to talk about an issue that was worrying me. I genuinely was never the one to bring it up (apart from the first time I told her about it, of course) because I'm one of life's bottle-upers and very rarely share my worries.
Then I got a message from her saying that me talking about this was getting her down so she was ending our friendship.

Years later and I'm still confused and upset about that. Needless to say, now I bottle things up even more, rather than take the risk of opening up to anyone.

Happened to me. She moved away to a bigger house 30 minute drive away. I made an effort to maintain the friendship, visiting once a month. I noticed gradually she was busy, sister was visiting etc and I realised I was getting the cold shoulder. I got the message.

Still hurts today. Met when kids were babies, and they’re now mid twenties (happened when they were around two- three years old). I put it down to wanting a fresh start (following miscarriage), controlling husband, or religion (Scientology?). Still miss her friendship.

I didn’t see a friend through most of covid and later learned her dh and her split but they’re back together and it’s like she has to prove her perfect life is still perfect and better than mine. I’m not competitive so find it so weird. The final time I saw her she came over still when there were some covid restrictions, talked about how perfect her life was and holidays she’d been on (it was very much a brag and she knew my usa holiday to see family was cancelled so I was upset - dd got covid just before we left so couldn’t go). The final nail in the coffin was her bragging about her new job - I was happy for her. She then added, she couldn’t work for the nhs as she’d be a band 7 and she wouldn’t get out of bed for that little pay… I’m a band 7 although she thought I was still a band 5 I’d been promoted 3 years earlier and she clearly hadn’t listened. Either way, she bragged, insulted me then left. I said goodbye and good luck in the new job, shut the door and haven’t messaged her since.

Someone once spread rumours about me / I didn’t find out until about 3 of my friends stopping talking to me - when I found out I tried to protest my innocence but it was too late - so I cut them all off.

Usually it is jealousy or some bad apple turning the person against you. I experienced both. During Uni a group of girls turned against me because of one girl. She was jealous over a boy and spread lies about me. It took a year, but eventually everyone realised the girl was crazy and everyone apologised to me. I’m still friends w most of the girls 20 years later….

Also, I’ve heard of people stopping contact or pulling away because of kids. They don’t like how they behave and don’t want them around their own.

I had an intense friendship and she froze me out. She was pursuing someone in a very fan-girl way. She didn't want to be my friend when I didn't support her. 🙄

It hurt a lot at the time. Took a while to get over but I did.

I don't think either of those friends would be sorry to see the back of you. Knowing people can't change sex and not wanting men in women's sports or spaces is not bigotry. However, being intolerant of views other than your own is literally bigotry. Try looking it up in the dictionary.

I had a friend who did this once I had a baby. She was fine but cool, and if we made plans she'd cancel or be late, which was hard with a baby as I'd organised the whole day around going out as I had no family support.

She still comments on my social media posts and we caught up for a coffee about six months ago, but because we hadn't seen each other for so long it was just a question and answer session, not relaxing or enjoyable, and I will probably politely decline next time as I'd rather just chat than be interrogated!

But I've since made some really lovely friends so it's worked out ok, we were school friends and really had little in common anymore.

I have dropped one of my closest friends. It has been really hard. There had been a number of things over a period of time that gradually resulted in me backing off a bit. Things like hidden racism/othering (e.g. touching peoples afro hair and saying "oh your hair is so different is it natural" and habitually asking people where they are "from") and then a lot of narcissistic behaviour. I backed off which she didn't really notice but then she had a change in her life and expected a lot of fuss and attention which I didn't give so she just switched completely to another friend group. Once our friendship had cooled loads of people told me she had said mean things about me for years.

I had a mum friend who was always late. 20-30min. I just got fed up of my time being wasted, and she wasn't a big enough part of my life for me to tackle it, so I just stopped agreeing to meet up.

I think sometimes as adults and parents social circles can get too big so you have to cut out some people. It's not nice I know but I think it's to do with overwhelm on her part probably not anything you did. I also think that some friendships can suffer from things like competition, jealousy etc (recent experience has taught me this). I wouldn't drive yourself too crazy reading texts etc, probably very little to do with you and mostly to do with her. It still hurts though. Sending hugs!

ADHD just doesn't help

Good for him! Standing up to bigots is hard, especially when they’re your friends and you expect better of them.

I’ve moved a fair bit so I have had friends drift I suppose and they “ forget “ to ask me along when they get together and I find out later .
The original WhatsApp chat 💬 went very quiet so they are obviously organising the ( admittedly infrequent) gatherings on another chat or in person ?
One woman that I thought I got along with very well ( she confided in me a fair bit ) makes plans then cancels .
I will sometimes try to make plans but I am not going to continually “ chase “ people .
I had one other school mum who went through a difficult time years ago who confided in me we also shared school runs when needed
( If anyone confides in me I absolutely keep it to myself )
She gradually cut ties and only ever contacted my household when she needed a babysitter ( I had a teenager who was old enough to do that )
I guess she was actually maybe just networking

Happened at school once.
With hindsight, realised she had grown up quicker than me.

Happened once I suppose in adult life, with a relative. Realised eventually, she blew hot and cold with me.
Didnt want to talk when had depression.
Was chatty when she felt better.

A really good friend has done this to me for the same reason. I was trying to have a conversation to understand her point of view. It's sad.

I had one friend stop talking to me as soon as he found out I was pregnant, people always say he must have had a crush on me but he was in a long term relationship at the time.

I’ve dropped two friends from my life without explanation, one because I found out she was sleeping with my abusive ex while still being friendly to me and one because there were loads of small incidents which added up and made me realise she was too self absorbed, the final straw for me was when she gave me a birthday present that I hated (but was of course polite about) because she knew how much I ‘loved’ the thing. Made me realise she was so self absorbed that she didn’t actually know a thing about me despite being ‘friends’ for over 10 years.

Seek yourself some Counseling .

You are doing it for control . You are old enough now to be heard and this is your way of making sure you are by controling the conversation

Talking over people makes them feel that you think what you have to say is more important the What they do .

Had a similar experience, and was bewildered for months. Later I discovered it stemmed from when she saw me reading a particular daily newspaper ( I read a variety of papers for work). She clearly made a judgement and I’m glad I didn’t pursue the friendship .

About 10 years ago I had a fairly ruthless clear out of my contacts list. I used to be terribly nostalgic with friendships, especially ones going back a long way (school and uni etc) but the sad truth is a lot of those people had changed over time (as I had) and we were not really on the same page anymore. I also noticed a number of friendships were not very equal, I was the one doing all the heavy lifting insofar as staying in touch and organising meet ups. I decided to stop that and just let things drift and that is exactly what happened, the moment I stopped making the effort I basically never saw these people unless by chance. I threw my energies into people who were not just 'takers' and were genuinely a positive addition in my life. There was probably only one person I have 'ghosted', not proud of that fact but they had become such a drama queen and an emotional drain I just had to pull away for my own mental health. While arguably I have smaller social circle now I firmly believe they are an incredibly supportive network and genuinely good people.

Well that is really a sad state of affairs when family is nothing .

I did this to someone. I found out she had said some unkind things about me and my children behind my back. Our children had gone to school and preschool together so we’d known each other for years. Been to each others homes etc. I was told what she’d said over the weekend (and saw proof of messages) and on the Monday she tried to talk to me at the gates as normal, I just politely smiled, didn’t say a word and walked off. I know that wasn’t the best way to handle it but I wasn’t up for a big confrontation and I knew I wanted nothing to do with her again.

You do know that not everyone's families are nice?