If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

I had an old work friend who went to work for a glam organisation and dropped me because I didn't fit in with her new lifestyle. I moved onto a new job which is quite interest and occasionally bump into celebs because of my job.

Now she's harassing me to angle for free tickets etc & networking opportunities for connections.

I don't think so love, off you trot....

I'm reading all with interest wondering why oh why L cut me off. We were pals over 20 years mostly in a group but we were close within the group, always messages and meet ups for coffee when possible. I was devastated and posted on it here actually. I still don't know what I did wrong. She stayed friends with one mutual friend but cut the group off and that mutual friend always claimed to not know why, she very obviously dismissed it. Funnily enough no one in the group ever asked me and i think they know something. They knew we were close and we would always arrive together to things yet no one noticed or thought to ask me where is L? I think not. It took years for me to get over it, i became quite paranoid about myself and other friendships. I asked other friends if i was flawed in some way. The funny thing is L has suddenly turned up at things, she was still lurking on a WhatsApp group and responded to a general invitation and since then has just slid back into the larger group and has been very nice to me but I tend to move away after polite small talk. So I guess it's mutual now. 7 years of treating me like dirt and the least I could have gotten was an explanation. 7 years of reflecting and realising there were many things I didn't like about her but tolerated that I'm no longer open to tolerating.

I’ve had this. I tried to ask her and she said “if you don’t know I’m not telling you”. Super unhelpful because clearly (and twenty years on) I still don’t know. How can you either make amends or check your own behaviour if the other person won’t help to educate you?

Was upset for a while but realised it the friendship couldn’t actually have mattered that much if she didn’t want me to at least try and understanding my own apparent failings.

I went cold on someone she slagged off my children too my face "only saying it how it is" "you know me" 😒 then wanders why I'm not supporting her anymore you literally slagged off a suicidal teenage suffering with chronic illness and one who is disabled neither can help it and yes they might seem "weird" to you but FUCK YOU your no friend

Have you ever tried asking her?

Happened to me, she went completely cold on me. Turns out I didn’t invite her to one of my kids parties and invited my other friends (they all had kids) and in hindsight because it was quite big, I should have done. We good now.

I got ditched, she actually wrote me a card ditching my child who she is Godmother to which I found very hurtful as dc3 is left a godparent short and I had to try and make excuses for that all thorugh her childhood.
I have since found out a few things about myself (e.g adhd) and her (a bit of an odd"un according to people who knew her before).

But yes it hurts. I have since been ditched by someone else who assures me it's not personal lol but rather it's due our kids bullying each other and us having hugely different stances on an issue that's been mentioned here.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong ooh that's tough, poor you. People should be kinder to each other for sure rather than keep "friends" in limbo.

I did the ditching and here is why:

She was incredibly insecure and incredibly toxic. She put me down at any given opportunity. She sought constant reassurance about her appearance. She borrowed money from me and never paid it back, she tried to chat up boys I had met on nights out, she got off on excluding other girls including myself from a very young age. She even tried to physically attack me once. We were friends because despite all that we got along famously and she would apologise most times she f**ked up. One day I just had enough. She just wanted to moan about minor things that had happened to her as if no one else on the planet existed. She refused to take any advice ever or stand up for me when others were putting me down. She said and did some unforgivable things and stopping speaking to her in 2017 was the best decision I ever made. She never even asked what was wrong when I ignored her which was extremely telling. Just had enough.

@Iceache If that side hustle was MLM then ghosting people who “aren’t supportive” is common practice and it’s what they’re told to do. If it’s an MLM she will be super sensitive because she has probably found no one is interested and she herself is getting a fair bit of ghosting from everyone she’s approached.

Is she coming back to work after maternity leave or something? You might find she’s quietly dropped the side hustle or had enough negative feedback from other people that she’s not going to be focused on you. I’d just try and be politely neutral with her, how she responds to that says more about her than you.

I can see where you’re coming from in your example but I don’t think ghosting is always about control and manipulation. I have ghosted someone and it’s not something I thought I would ever do, and it was not done strategically or to manipulate them. I ghosted someone because I found their behaviour hurtful at a low point in my life and I just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to tackle them and then couldn’t really face them. I might add my experience of being the ghoster to this thread later…

My best, best, bestie wanted 'more' from our relationship. It's hard explaining to my kids why she and her children have vanished overnight having always been in their lives and it hurt. Annoyed about it now a year on and not so sad.

My other friend didn't like me asking her about her child's mental health/school refusal - I had no intention of offending her and didn't realise it was off topic but she was clearly irritated and hasn't wanted to meet up since. I feel bad but also I guess I am judging a bit and think she needs to do more.

I'm not doing well with my friends!

You did nothing wrong! It makes me sad people are beating themselves up over this. It's clearly about her and her issues and you have no control over that.

You cant fix people. L clearly has issues which make staying friends with others problematic. I hope you've set yourself free from any self blame now. The only closure you need is looking at a person's behaviour- that tells you way more about them than their words x

That's not how it works. People's individual parental choices are causing a resurgence in viruses that we had well under control. The anti-vax movement has its roots in conspiracy theory, so as well as someone contributing to the misery of others, you have to contend with them also being part of that community. Unbearable.

Have you heard of free speech? Do you think everyone should believe what you do or you decide not to be their friend?

To be honest, it happened to me because we'd made friends while we were in the throes of babies and toddlers, and once she felt she was coming out of that, she realised I wasn't like her other friends. She never said anything, just cooled...and I could see it, and was fine with it.

And you know what? I have done the same. You make all sorts of friends when you have little kids, and frankly some of them end up being a bit boring once you aren't in that headspace.

I just want to give you a hug - depression is awful, but of course you’re allowed to have your own feelings about another person’s illness, especially if you care about them. I’ll probably be flamed for this, too, but whether people like it or not, chronic illness affects more than the person who suffers from it (not meant as an attack on people who do have a chronic illness or similar, as it’s obviously not a choice).
More on topic, though - I cut off my longest standing friendship a couple of years ago; to be fair, it had been going downhill by then anyway. Tried to fix what was wrong and got nowhere, but the last straw was basically my friend was asked by another friend to invite me to a party, but she didn’t, and lied about it saying she’d sent me a message and I hadn’t replied. I always replied to her messages! (Up to then, I’d always seen this friend as a really honest type of person and that surprised, confused and annoyed me, especially because the party was in a restaurant she knew I’d always wanted to try out but had never had the opportunity to. Still haven’t).

I've dropped a long term friend. It just got to the point were I felt that it was totally a one way street and she was always telling me I wasn't good enough, though not in so many words. final straw was her brushing me off when I wanted to talk about my grief over losing a close relative. I stopped calling, I figured that she could call me if she wanted an explanation or if she wanted to keep the friendship going, but I also knew she wouldn't because she was never the one to get in touch. I was right.
Friendship needs to be a two way thing with each doing their part. It's exhausting when it's one sided. I've never regretted dropping her, and also I know there's no hard feelings on either side as we have spoken in passing. She's never shown any interest in resuming a friendship.

I'm sorey, its horrible when this hapoened. I had the most mazaing friend, we were a little bit joined at the hip and I loved her. Then one day she moved away and cut contact. She got in touch a few years later to apologise. She did it because she thought Id done something I hadnt done. Anyway she wanted to resume the friendshio but ultimately I couldnt, she left ke devestated and hurt and also I was so upset that she didnt even ask me about the thing! In the end I just told her I couldnt be friends anymore, because ghosting is horrifically cruel and unnecessary.

I’m afraid I drop anyone like a hot potato who judges me about parenting my ND child. Life is honestly hard enough without your mates assuming you’re just some sort of negligent fuckwit rather than a parent at the end of their fucking tether trying everything they can.

@Bunnyhair me too!

Hear hear.

Yes....close friend god parent to my kids close friends since childhood.

I remember one day she came round it was lovely as usual we hugged goodbye.

From there on she ghosted me
This was 10 years ago. We remain friends on Facebook but that's it

Devastated

I distanced myself from a 'friend' I met through work. 7 years ago she was struggling with anxiety and would go AWOL just before presentations. I was very kind and supportive, always there to talk when she needed it. When she left the company she came to me for help so I introduced her to one of my friends who consequently offered her a job. When she wanted to move on again I introduced her to another of my contacts. This time it was one of my current clients. Long story short, she landed a great job at this company. We ended up working together on a project and when it wasn't going so well (nothing major, just every day challenges) she threw me under the bus and cut me out of the work. It cost me £££ but I was far more hurt when the penny dropped I was just useful to her, not a friend.

I have a friend who has definitely downgraded our friendship but is pretending everything is fine. So she avoids making plans with me, only wants to hang in a group, doesnt reply to me or contact me for ages. But if I ask claims everything is ok. It started to go south when I had a parent die and was struggling. Apparently a mutual friend felt I was too needy at the time (nursing a dying parent!). It never recovered from then. It really hurts, I really valued our friendship. But it is what it is.

Absolutely @Bunnyhair, it is an entirely different ballgame when your child is ND and it can feel very isolating when the accepted ways of parenting just don’t work. The last thing anyone who is struggling needs is the simplistic judgement of people who have no idea. I had three children and had no idea, my fourth child is ND, it’s a very very different road I’m on now, and it’s much lonelier.

@Runsyd *
I don't think either of those friends would be sorry to see the back of you. Knowing people can't change sex and not wanting men in women's sports or spaces is not bigotry. However, being intolerant of views other than your own is literally bigotry. Try looking it up in the dictionary.*

Being intolerant of racism, homophobia and transphobia is the opposite of bigotry. Do you really think racism is just "other views you should be tolerant of"? Because I don't.