If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

I had a friend I dropped. Nice enough woman on the surface, but I dropped her after she shared some god-bothering thing on facebook saying a family was supposed to be 'one man, one woman and their children'.
I'm an atheist and not homophobic.

To add - I have also stepped back a bit emotionally from my best friend in last couple of years.
She went a bit odd during covid times (not just to me) and then expected a lot from me when my teenage DCs were struggling w their MH post/covid.
It’s hard to explain but I suppose like I’m any relationship you can be so close when young and then things change. I’m sure we’ll always be friends but our lives are very different now and she stresses a lot and that impacts on me as well. I feel a bit suffocated I think! I’m sure we’ll always be friends but I take ‘mini breaks’ from seeing her - will still message - as I can handle it better like that (a heart to heart re this did not go well so I just deal with it my way - and rant a bit to dh!)

hear hear

I sided with JK Rowling. Lost a lot of friends over that. They either told me how awful I was or just ghosted me (unfriended me.) The saddest ones were the woman who had been the 'ring bearer' on my wedding day and the friend I'd known for years and who I met up with in London all the time as she lives there. 🥺 But I'd rather be open and honest about it then keep quiet. I even started a thread on here about it.

Funny how me and my other friends disagree about things but have still remained friends. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Leave/Remain, JK Rowling, COVID measures and vaccines, to name a few topics.

@AlbertVille 💐 I am sorry. Being depressed is not an excuse to be hurtful towards others. I'm also sorry you got jumped on on Mumsnet. You had every right to be upset. People who say otherwise are lacking in empathy. I had similar when I was with my ex husband. I was told I should put aside my own feelings because he was depressed, but he was treating me badly and making me feel like shit, so I ended up depressed too. I ended up seeing a counsellor and leaving him a couple of years down the line.

People not having vaccines affects everyone’s children. That’s how it works!

@WomensRightsRenegade Are you standing for election? I'll vote for you!

I went off a friend of 30 years because after she was widowed (and she wasn't all that heartbroken; it was a horrible marriage) in her late 50s, she immediately took up with a new bloke and immersed herself in his family, dropping all of us friends who supported her through her husband's illness. Didn't help that new bloke was a Covid denier/vaccine phobic, etc.

When the novelty wore off and she wanted back into my life, having ignored me for two years, I wasn't interested. Still am not.

I'm betting the people who didn't want to be your friend over JK Rowling didn't read a single word of her essay where she explained things.

I got close, quite quickly to a woman I met on dog walks. She was lovely, very funny, and stylish. We had different views on everything but I quite liked that. What I didn’t like is that she became very controlling, would interrogate me about what I would be wearing when we met up so I didn’t embarrass her, talked down all my other friends and was very critical. I felt quite scared of her in the end, walking on eggshells. I couldn’t face telling her, so I became very unreliable and very scruffy when we did meet and she sacked me off and found another victim. I fell out with another friend over politics, she had quite extreme views and I protested. I think I lost friends when I was younger for being loud and opinionated, and I have made efforts since to be a bit less so. It is a very painful business.

I don't think they did either. A male friend said he was shocked because he thought I was a kind and compassionate person. Well I am. I reserve that for women and children, especially the vulnerable ones. JK Rowling is as well, judging by the work she has done for women and children. There were a few men telling me what I should be thinking, which put my back up. Once I'd realised they'd unfriended me I blocked them, because they were so rude to me and several of my other friends (ladies I know from church and the friend I made via Mumsnet.)

I dropped a “friend” because she kept wanting stuff. She asked me to babysit her DC with the promise that she’d reciprocate. I did the hours she needed, and when I needed her she made a big deal about it. She’d invite us over for a BBQ, then have “jobs” she’d need my DH to help her DH with. I felt used.

@Okaaaay

But I do it enough to notice I do it (if that makes sense). Tips on how to stop really welcome.

OP I'm late to this thread but to stop it I'd suggest therapy.

Some people are rude and greedy around food. They're not naturally rude and greedy but they grew up in a family where there wasn't enough food to go round so to get some they had to use their elbows, eat fast to try to get some more. It's learned behaviour.

Given what you've said about growing up with a narcissist and never being heard or having your opinion valued, it strikes me that you're doing the conversational equivalent. Taking every chance to talk because you don't know when you'll get that chance again.

Therapy would help you come to terms with the damage your early life did to you and help you to value yourself enough to realise that you can be important to someone without always having to make yourself the centre of attention.

She criticised me incessantly, possibly thinking she was being helpful. She started insisting she picks the food I order ‘to fix that weight problem you have’ (I was a size 8-10 and she was a 6), went on and on about how much make up can age a person (she only wore mascara, I used more make up), ‘let me take you shopping, you’ll be lucky to have someone fix your style for free’, ‘how cringe when women over 30 wear long hair, don’t you think?’ (I have long hair, she has a bob), etc. etc.

One day I realised I have huge anxiety every time we’re due to meet and I cut her out of my life without an explanation. She bombarded me with messages, I don’t care. She was such a horrible twat.

It is most likely her issue and if she’s happy to drop a friend suddenly like that, she’s absolutely not worth it. Even if you did something wrong (one person mentioned she was dropped for constantly talking over a friend), surely any real friend would have a chat with you, explain whatever habit/thing was annoying them and move on. If you both really valued the friendship, you would still be friends.

I would put that friendship behind you and move on with friends you know are genuine.

This happened to me when I gave birth to my 2nd child. I had a mum friend whose DD played with my DS. I didn't know she'd been having miscarriages attempting a 2nd baby (I was told later, by a mutual friend). Apparently this mum was so upset by the sight of my 2nd baby she couldn't handle it and cut us off completely. I did find it odd because she knew I was pregnant and that I would give birth eventually, but I suppose she didn't anticipate her own emotional response to that. We even found ourselves at the same playgroup and she'd completely ignore me. So I just ignored her back (this was before I knew the reason for it).

I ended a friendship as the person was unable to recognise that their child’s behaviour was problematic. It was impacting my DS who bore the brunt of the behaviour. I challenged them and then blocked them on every social media platform and text/whatsapp. Best thing I ever did and should have done it years earlier.

The person was toxic, and behind a lot of their child’s behaviour. Not sure why I put up with it for so long.

I like to think I am a good person - it did have an impact on me. I went from being in contact with this person almost daily to nothing. I felt bad, and I felt sad. But it was the right decision and I rarely think about them now.

Interestingly after I did it people were quite open with me about how batshit crazy they were.

Normally I'd say it's odd behaviour but there's usually always a reason. Which I'm guilty of...
I have a friend i've known for years who is sort of there and not there for periods of time. We haven't lived in the same place since about 2005. But we can chat and chat and have seen each other around the planet here and there.

Recently he's been complaining a lot to me about his partner, her parents, his work, he'll go on and on and on about some things on repeat. Like he forgets he has already told me the story a million times. But the deal breaker..

About a month ago i was telling him something shocking. My child has a lip tie and tongue that nobody has caught and he's been in so much speech therapy... it was emotional. I have just my child! It's just us. My friend, as soon as I started talking about this, started constant hmm mmm, hmm mmm, hmm mmm...over my talking and had turned his video away from his face and he was typing away. So I asked "am I boring you?" He kind of laughed. But the next time we spoke it was the same. And yet he keeps saying how he is worried about me (I had perimenopause depression lol) but he won't listen to me. He messages to say he wants to check on me but won't listen to me ..hmmm mmm. hmmm mmmm. So I haven't bothered. If my child is boring to you, no need to be friends.

I'm sure he would say this was not his intent, etc. But that's the thing, if it requires effort to realise he's basically insulting the most important thing in my life ... I can't be bother to explain and feel like i might have to defend motherhood. lol. You never know OP... I supposed the only thing you can do is to ask her if there is something you've done, say you've analyzed it and you're really sorry that you haven't been able to figure it out.

I think that some of the time, if you’re introverted and don’t find yourself particularly interesting (or not enough to talk about yourself), you tend to feel drawn to chatty, bubbly, funny extroverts. The problem with these types is, their friendliness is non selective. It takes you a while to realise that they treat everybody the way you might treat your special one to one friends. And they don’t have room in their lives for everyone.

I have learned to be slightly wary if I really like someone. It doesn’t always mean we’re going to be besties, more that they’re very good at conversation.

@Okaaaay this happened to me many years ago, met a lady at work, I spoke to her when others wouldn’t even give her a chance.

She got the job because her mum worked there and this got peoples backs up but I ignored all the drama and carried on.

I used to hear from her every day, multiple times, we used to go out together, were inseparable at work and then one day just like that she stopped talking to me.

The messages stopped and it was awkward in the office as she’d do her level best to avoid me and it was obvious to everyone.

I messaged her and asked if all was ok and I got back short responses.

I had known her for 2 years and on NYE I asked her again if I had done something to annoy her and I didn’t want to start the new year on a bad note.

Her message again was short and sharp so after that I decided not to bother.

Then one day at work she was trying to interfere in the conversation I was having with someone else, I was short but polite.

I had already decided she won’t be treating me like that and worming her way back in, I was done, I had mourned the friendship. It took me ages to get over it, I felt like I had lost a sister.

I recently found out through social media that she was engaged and I was genuinely happy for her but I could never go back to being her friend.

I see it as it’s her loss, she’s lost out on what was a good friendship and I always think of that saying, people are in your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.

I guess I have no wise words, just saying you aren’t alone xx

I cut ties (ghosted) due to her (friend 1) making small, bitchy and critical comments all the time. Making fun of my clothes, boyfriends, problems over many years.

I introduced her to another friend (friend 2), and friend 1 was doing it constantly. Friend 2 was like "how does that make you feel, why do you put up with it". I knew it didn't make me feel good, but I just don't like conflict. So I just ghosted friend 1.

In other words, the relationship with friend 1 had been toxic for a long time, but I just put up with the behaviour.

VenusClapTrap · Yesterday 21:22
I found out it was because I talked over her. I felt very bad about it, but no amount of apologising could undo the damage. She had changed her opinion of me and that was that. It was a great shame because she was lovely and I had valued her friendship.

I was young, and learnt from it, and made a conscious effort after that not to talk over people - or if I did (usually when drunk or overly excited) I would immediately call myself out and apologise.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I know you have 'owned' the problem - which is brilliant. You're lucky to be able to reflect and modify your behaviour - it's a huge skill.

But I have a very old friend who does this. She's quite lonely, I think, and I've known her for donkey's years. Normally I only see for her a few hours at a time, which I can just about cope with (though I return home exhausted!). However, I'm just back from a few days on a 'girls' break' with her and another old school friend, and we both confessed afterwards that we were at breaking point by the time we parted at the station!

I felt so beaten down by the end - every time I started a sentence she'd jump in and talk over me very loudly. In the end, the other friend and I just ended up sitting there mute! She has some ND issues, I'm sure, and she's had a lonely life, so we're not about to hurt her or dump her,...but we won't be going away with her ever again!

I only say this to reinforce your point that sometimes people do things unconsciously which, while not the crime of the century, make them hard work for others and the older we get, the less we want to spend time with people who don't bring us joy. And I know I'm not perfect, by the way!

I've been ghosted due to me being an addict. I don't hold that against them. Subsequently I've never ghosted.

I ghosted someone who showed their true colours by being homophobic and racist in the same afternoon.
We had been friends for a while, but latterly she'd been making backhanded comments to me, and her views on sex crime didn't match mine.
But there would have been no good in telling her this was why, she wouldn't have apologised or considered her views may be wrong!

Sorry to hear this, must be hurtful for you I am sure. I would want to know why and I would ask her. If she won't tell you, you'll have to accept this. Best of luck!