If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

Mid-twenties, had two of my closest friends (who met through me), start spending time together without me and (one of them especially) becoming quite smug about it. I couldn’t deal with the overt rejection so I cut her out. The other friend and I didn’t remain friends for long as it was all a bit messy. Plus I was going through some rough family stuff at the time and it was all a bit much.

Another friend closest since childhood broke up with me because I just wasn’t a good friend to. I ballsed up being her maid of honour because I was disorganised and flaky. I was shit and selfish. I do miss her but it was fifteen years ago now. I think about her every day though. She’s gone on to have two beautiful kids and I get sad about what could have been but wasn’t because I was just too head in the clouds back then.

No they can’t feel this. No they can’t at all. Their self interest and need to talk trumps any thought to step back and actually consider the listener and what might be going on in their lives. They are impatient to return to their favourite topic should the subject digress away from it: themselves.

It’s when it’s a 90% take, 10% give at every interaction that you give up.

It’s got nothing to do with pretending to care or forcing myself to listen. That only happens in the final stages of this sort of relationship.

I treat everyone the same at the start and it’s the relationships where it’s easy to listen and easy to talk, 50/50 that last.

Im not looking to draw someone out, I’m looking for genuine connection and people who offer the same level of care about me as I do of them.

But some people couldn’t care less. The only person they care about is themselves. And these people are often lonely.

Sorry Bunnyhair, I’m agreeing with you. I hope that’s clear!

True.

Sympathies OP, going through similar at the moment, though haven't known them as long. We spent a lot of time together with our kids most of last year, I spent the first 3 months of this year dealing with my children crying daily because they were confused as to why we were not seeing their best friend. We have seen each other at clubs and activities and have a mutual friend. Last saw them earlier this week and they avoided me, no fucking clue what I've done and have finally realised that I've been upset by this for too long and just need to stop trying with people as this happens pretty much every time I think I've made a friend.

Luckily I do have a few lovely friends but they all live quite far away, so I'm visiting them as often as I can now.

sad but true.

Astonishing really that we can reach 40s and 50s and still not know how to ask basic questions about each other and share the conversation space 50/50.

I have done this to someone recently - we have children the same age but she is very PFB about her child, which means said child is a hitting, screaming mess whenever they don't get their way. It wasn't getting better, I'm not in a position to say anything, so I just stepped back and have dodged invitations since.

100% this.

I had a mum friend go from chatting most days and doing stuff together with the kids a few times a month to not hearing from for 3 weeks before I got a too busy brush off. Drove me mad trying to figure out what I'd one.

A couple of years later I got a new job and one of my new colleagues and I realised we lived round the corner from each other and were chatting, realise we both know ex-friend. Turns out they used to be good friends but she hasn't heard anything from her for a few months....

Made me feel better anyway.

Which one of you was anti-vaccination? I would drop a friend in an instant for dangerous behaviour like that. Either way you’re either well shot of her or she had very good reason to disown you.

My best friend from uni cut me off.

We were so close, but I suppose had drifted a bit. She'd had a child and from the outside it probably looked like I cut her off. But in reality she'd cancel almost every meet up with little to no notice (I'd be literally on my way), with mostly lame excuses. It was almost always as she was smoking weed and its such an antisocial drug. I don't smoke.
One day I messaged her and realised I was blocked. About six months later she unblocked me and we had a chat about why - she'd invited me to a friends bday party and I hadn't gone. She hadn't actually told me where it was, or reminded me about it beyond a causal in person 'hey, x has a party next month do you fancy going'.

I was glad to have my friend back but it was never quite the same. She invited me to her sons 4th bday party after this, and I totally forgot to go!! I realise this sounds bad on me, but I was pregnant and my brain can be a little scatty anyway. It was before I trained myself to add all events to my phone calendar. I realised on the day (I was at my parents for the weekend) and messaged a massive grovelling apology as I felt awful for missing it. She blocked me.

I did see her again at a mutual friends party about a year later. She unblocked me. But by this point I had realised that she had always had this drama in her life, just not usually with me. It was her sons 4th bday I missed, but she hadn't actually invited me to any others and was strangely quiet about his christening (I was supposed to be Godmother). I decided I'd be curious about the friendship, but in any case I was blocked again within a couple of weeks and I have no interest in why.

In short, although I wasn't the perfect friend, it wasn't really about me.

Despite all this, I really miss this friendship. I have no desire to be friends with her again, but I do miss her.

Truthfully I used to be terrible with this in my twenties. Part ADHD and part just who I was. Changed as I grew older, then I did a counselling course and it really taught me how to listen to people and share a conversation. I’m completely the opposite now. I’m naturally interested in people and how they are.

DH was very unwell a few years ago and people ghosted us. It’s like people think it’s catching or something.
I ran into one of my oldest friends when he was a particularly bad point where I wasn’t sure if he was ever going to come home (he’s fine now). But she kinda shrugged and has never asked, ever. She is one of those people who posts everything on Facebook and I post nothing, I don’t think it’s appropriate to share that stuff: but it shouldn’t be the only way people find out.

DH also had an ex colleague he had stayed friends with for years (female). She used him as an emotional crutch and would ring him up and complain for hours about her BF. When he was poorly I texted her from his phone to tell her, she never replied, we’ve never heard from her again.

I’ve also been dumped for not being ‘useful’ to people. Because I didn’t want to take their children constantly so don’t want to have a relationship with you.

I cut ties with a friend after I told her something in confidence and she told her husband (nothing to do with him/their mariage, something personal about me, and I asked her explicitly not to tell him).

Good friendships are wonderful things but poor friendships quite the opposite. I have lost friends along my life journey, some through my own choosing and others through their choosing. It does hurt being phased out, (I've never had a dramatic friend falling out) but life moves forward. Personally, though I do miss some long standing friendships that have phased out over the years, I don't give it much headspace as you can't force friendships and make people like you more. Plus people including myself change and evolve over time. You are who you are and whilst its important to be a good friend, I couldn't spend my whole life trying to mould into what someone wants me to be, ather than my true self. The hardest thing for me personally is I have a huge dislike of making new friends....just so much effort, so that leaves a very depleated friendship circle as I age!

It sounds like a recipe for a very one sided friendship where you are only there to massage the ego of the other person.

I mean if you have to pretend they are interesting, what are doing spending time with them?
Where is ‘your’ time to be listened to etc…?

im not saying you’re totally wrong. From your third point onwards, there is a lot of good to say about your advice.
But real friendship is reciprocal. Not based on ‘You take the space for yourself whilst I pretend to be delighted to listen to you’

A mutual friend we were both close to died. I told some other friends of the death and this woman was angry as she felt that she somehow 'owned' the death. She started being really mean when we met up and so I cooled it and now hardly see her.

When this situation happens,it can be tough! Last year a similar thing happened to me.A friend I had not seen in years,although we were bonded then.invited me on Facebook to have her as a friend.I am now quite introverted & guarded,have been through some challenging periods in life! I did not decline,but really not keen on having friends on Facebook.Frieind then started messaging my son/daughter on a regular basis, to get them to ask me to contact her.I then decided to contact her,we spoke on the phone for 2 hrs, I accepted friend on Facebook, from September to April,not a word or even a happy Birthday! This friend was very active socially on a daily basis.I wished her a happy birthday in September.i chose to block her, I can do without this kind of person in my life!

I lost complete respect for some friends after they drown some newborn kittens in a bucket of water and photographed some of it.
One friend described it as creepy afterwards.

I have moved to new cities a few times and if someone is extremely keen to be friends with you from day 1 it's sometimes because they have burned every other bridge in town. In my experience it's those people that you chat to a little over time and get to know slowly that can end up being really lovely friends.

So while to her it might have been a minor falling-out, to me it was the catalyst to examine and do without the whole relationship.

I had similar. Someone I'd known for decades split up with his wife of over 20 years and remarried and, as they moved a lot, we didn't really see them for a few years. When we did meet up, it was clear that he'd taken on all of her opinions as if they were his own and he'd discarded of so much that had once made him the man I knew that I felt I didn't know who he was any more. His once seemingly firmly held views turned out to be just those of which ever woman he was trying to impress at the time.

After that I saw him in a whole new light and realised that he's a social chameleon who simply goes along to get along and will change his colours for advantage. A follower. Sadly, his new wife's views on the world are about as far away from mine as it gets, and of course his are too now.

Another thing that jarred is that when he remarried he dumped all the old friends his new wife wasn't keen on, people he'd known for many years, but told me that me and DH we were 'keepers'. Like we were a set of saucepans or a collection of books. In return we decided they weren't 'keepers'.

She was having an affair. Not only did she cut me off, but she also spread a rumour that I was having an affair. I wasn't, but I guess she thought that it would act as a kind of smokescreen to stop her from being found out.
Not only was she found out, but my alleged affair partner isn't into women, so she was made to look doubly stupid.
We still have a hobby in common. At times it's like she doesn't know me and at others she's sobbing to me about how much she loves her affair partner, who is still with his wife.
The whole situation is bonkers and best ignored

I had to step back from a friendship after she began an affair with a married man, and overnight went from a hardworking, kind sensible person to someone who was totally reckless and started doing all sorts of strange and unsafe things. I tried to continue being a supportive friend for a while but no matter how many times she said she would stop doing a lot of the things she was doing, she'd just keep on doing it. I couldn't be bothered in the end as she was a grown woman and needed to take some responsibility for herself. I couldn't hear about it anymore.

I haven't had anyone obviously ghost me but I have definitely noticed that more casual friends easily drift away I suspect because like a few others on this thread, I am a massive over-talker and talk about myself far too much. I am really conscious of it now (never used to be aware) and try to take steps not to do it and to show much more interest in the other person. It's a work in progress, but it's so difficult as I'm not purposely being rude. I feel a physical compulsion to talk so strong it's like putting a pack of cigarettes in front of a chain smoker and asking them not to smoke them. Yet, weirdly, at home I like nothing more than complete peace and quiet.

I’m cutting off my best friend who I love to bits but she loves drama she’s a single mum and every man she meets has known criminal records sells drugs and then when it goes wrong she is crying after having a 5 hour phone call last night where her main concern was no one asked if she was okay not ringing the police or getting her boys somewhere safe I realised I can no longer care.

I ghosted a newish friend. We had known each other +/- 1 year, and we had very similar interests, however I think she suffered from severe anxiety. It sounds awful, but as I suffer from anxiety myself I found it really hard being around her - it was never relaxing / easy. Over lockdown I slowly cut ties. I still feel sorry I wasn't brave enough to say something, however how can you tell someone who's already anxious that their anxiety is why I can't be around them...