If a friend went cold on you and you found out why…

[Okaaaay]

… what was the reason? Relatively light hearted really - feeling very sore about this happening to me and it would be nice to feel that I’m not alone. Plus it might prompt me to understand what I did / said that was so wrong.

I had a good friend suddenly cut ties - I have no idea why. It was a mum friend who I’d know 3 years - we’d bonded and would text every few days and see each other once a month or so. Nothing majorly intense but she was super important to me in a world where neither of us have much of a support network. Then one day, at a usual meet up at a DC club, she just didn’t want to talk and avoided me. She’s polite now but set a clear distant boundary (which I have respected). I’ve analysed every text, what I’d said or done and can’t work out what it was. But it was definitely something. I’m not a terribly difficult or offensive person but must have said or done something she found really unpalatable. I’ll get over it but feel gutted - it’s hard making friends and this one made my life happier.

I was on the receiving end after 30 years not 3! Its hurtful and odd.

And you'd be surprised how many conversations you can have without someone actually asking about you ir giving you air time. Next time you talk to someone, see how easy it is to do what I've suggested and see how many times the other person makes a real effort to get you talking about yourself. It's quite surprising.

How to stop the eating away?

This doesn't feel right to me, it's very prescribed. I was out for a coffee the other day and I could tell my friend was drifting off and said 'Oi are you listening?' She laughed and said 'not really, you've already told me this and I was just about to tell you to shut up' and we had a good laugh about it. We've known each other forever and it's easy - no offence or pretence at all.

I lost touch with everyone for nearly 2 decades, I just moved and focused on starting a new life and the family I had started.

Was nothing against anyone, I still viewed all as friends I just am very low maintenance as a friend. I don't do long phone conversations etc... and I don't need daily update to still care about people. Most my friends are super low maintenance too luckily.

Now most of us have kids in their teens and several are divorced etc... we are getting back in touch again. No one is mad that we 'cut ties' we all just ended up focusing on our own lives as needed.

I don't think I could handle the kind of friendship where someone took self care and things going on in my own life as a personal attack on them though. When people distance/isolate its almost always nothing to do with anyone else and all about stuff they are dealing with personally.

There are some very strange people on here who reply to posts to be difficult for fun. These sorts of people don't want to help at all. They must be very, very sad individuals.

I think that’s different. Gradually losing touch due to changes in circumstances is common, happens to most of us. It’s not the same as going from regular frequent close contact with someone, to ignoring them in public and not answering their calls, whilst living in the same place with the same people as before.

I think you’ve misunderstood.

I don’t have a problem listening and asking questions genuinely caring about what others say.

I’m saying that if the people I know who struggle not to talk endlessly about themselves started interviewing me, as part of some elaborate fantasy in their own minds that they are Graham Norton and I’m a scintillating celebrity, it still wouldn’t mean they were capable of a reciprocal friendship. It would just mean they were capable of not dominating a conversation if they try REALLY hard and make it into some sort of a game.

I hate confrontation and am more of a follower than a leader. I'm late 50s now but had a friend at secondary school and into mid 30s who was very forthright and outspoken. She could be argumentative which always made me feel very on edge. I would argue back but I always felt pressurised by her to do what she wanted, with me having the personality I have I usually went along with her way for a quiet life. She moved away and although we kept in contact we obviously didn't see each other as much. In my mid 30s i was having a hard time with my longstanding partner at the time, and she totally went off on me on the phone about what I should and shouldn't do. She was probably right, but it was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I told her i just couldnt take how she treated/spoke to me any longer. So i stopped all contact. I didnt ghost her as such because i told her so. ( If only I had employed the same resoluteness about him it would have saved me alot of heartache) Many years later I heard from a mutual friend that this friend said we had fallen out because of my now ex, but for me it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with her treatment of me. Other friends of mine used to say to me that she bullied me and in fact my ex said the same. She couldn't accept her own part in how she was. I'm sure though she would have her own perspective on things . I wish her no ill will whatsoever and she could be incredibly generous and kind and we had some good times but overall I just could not return to that friendship again. This may say more about me than her though.

Ah, this is exactly it. Realness and genuine affection and humour and mutuality.

Not someone robotically asking you questions because someone told them that’s how you do a friendship!

Therapy! Explore it all with someone skilled and interested and who is there to be focussed solely on you and helping you understand your feelings and relationships. ❤️

These things often remain a mystery. It happened to me years ago from a good friend, and I never found out why. It bothered me for a long time and still does if I think about it.

With all due respect, this is nonsense. You assume people expressing a different view are from a different generation. Some families are not healthy, and to assert that one 'owes them'....owes them what, exactly?.......is ridiculous.

I was really close friends with a guy (friends only) as in we told each other everything, helped with each other's problems, I looked after his kids when they were young enough to need it etc.

He got a divorce and a new girlfriend and since then has completely cut me out.

I think she will have asked him to, as she didn't want him being so close to a girl - but it hurts. ALL my friends are guys, I don't want to sleep with any of them. It hurts that a) I have lost my best friend and b) he let it happen.

I could have written this!

With age I'm becoming more self aware, but that doesn't make anything easier.
Social situations are mentally exhausting, and now I'm my 40s I'm realising how many friendships I drifted from when I was younger. I hope none of them think I dumped them, I certainly wouldn't blank them in the street even now or ignore messages.

I have a couple or close 'Mum friends' now, and while I hope these don't drift I can kind of see that they're likely to over the years. I like them a lot, but don't necessarily have that easy connection I do with my best friend - who incidently lives half way across the world and doesn't let me drift for long:)

Dodged a bullet there I reckon. Does he really believe this though - or is he afraid of blowback at work and socially? As in ' oh so you are friends with @Wellthatsthattheniguess ' ? Either way you are well shot of him imo.

I cut out so many people in my life when my Ex’s abuse set in.
He made me believe that each of my friends was using me / treating me badly in some way, or was so abrupt / aggressive towards them that they distanced themselves. Now - years later, I’ve reconnected to a couple of those friends, but my shame and mistrust means I find it very difficult.

I take a step back from friends who have said or done something to upset me. This gives me space to decide whether the friendship is worth keeping or not. I never tell them what they said/did that upset me as I know it wouldn’t change anything for me personally.

Some people are serial “ghosters” - perhaps this is something on her end, not yours.

I’m presuming you didn’t talk about anything contentious like politics.

I think friendships should be ended in the same way as romantic relationships are. Eg with a conscious communication that it’s over. Not ghosting.

Platonic relationships- friendships - are as important as romantic ones and while it’s normal for a friendship to run its course and only last a few years, they deserve respect, even in how we end it.

I am so sorry to hear this. Are you safe now?
I have a friend who I believe is still in a very psychologically abusive relationship - she fell out of contact with most of her friends (who loved her dearly) presumably because he coerced her, or she felt too much shame about staying in the relationship when we had all tried to help her to leave.

I think about her all the time, and would love to hear from her, whatever her situation. I have no judgement. I would not pressure her or question her about what happened. I would just be so happy to re-open lines of communication, even just to send each other stupid memes.

I imagine it might be the same for a lot of your old friends. They may have so much love they want to be able to give you. They may be totally happy to be guided by you about what you are comfortable to say to them about what went on. I really hope you feel able to open up to love and care again.

@Okaaaay have you considered you may have ADHD? Talking over others is a big part of it, and making things about yourself is an ADHD way of relating to the person sharing with you. It might be worth exploring more?

What has it got to do with you whether she vaccinated her children or what she brushes her teeth with? It’s her business and not a reason not to be her friend.

For me, it was because a) her son kept wanting to play-fight/roughhouse with my son, who didn't want to because her son would cry and tantrum when he couldn't "win" and b) I wasn't Chinese (she is and gradually only wanted to really talk to other Chinese parents. Fair enough.

For me edging away from another friend, it was because she was getting too intense and involved with my children and oevrstepping boundaries, but also because ALL she ever wanted to talk about was my children. For hours and hours and hours, and it was just exhausting. I mean, I love my kids, I might mention them for a few minutes if asked, but literally ALL she talked about nonstop was my kids, but my kids from several years ago as in their likes and dislikes from when they were younger. She also wouldn;t leave. I would say, "right, I need to do their bedtime now, I'll see you soon", (after she'd "just popped round" but had been with us for almost 6/7 hours, just TALKING non-stop), and she'd reply "oh that's ok, I'll wait down here and we'll chat more". I'm a massive introvert so I value my quiet alone time and having her over all the time with her just yapping at me drained me dry.

We are spirit animals @Bunnyhair! I'm full of empathy and a good listener so I have to always be cognisant that I don't surround myself with too many drains. In friendships you can have radiators and drains and I find my closest friendships allow that give and take of mutual support.

I've terminated friendships in the past and unfortunately, and I am not proud of this, I have just stopped replying. I find sometimes that the reasons are too complex to even get into a conversation about it.

One was because a friend was sleeping with her (now husband's sister) and while I'm as liberal as they come, I just found it so low and thought she was making a fool out of him.

Another was a friend who used to engage in the most vitriolic bitching about other people. They would literally leave the room and she would say the most awful things about them. She would then be so lovely to their faces. It took me a few years to realise that she must surely be doing the same thing to me. I had to cut her off and I subsequently used to see her on nights out with 'besties' that she had said such vitriolic, nasty things about.

The most recent was about ten years ago. I only knew her a couple of years but increasingly my intuition told me something wasn't right. She used to grill me about my personal life and yet didn't share anything with me. At all. So I felt she had all of this information on me (which I felt could be weaponised) and yet I knew so little about her and it made me increasingly uncomfortable.

@Okaaaay I think it's good if you potentially recognise what may have caused this friend to not want to be friends with you anymore. If you were genuinely close I think it might be a good idea to ask her although she may not want to engage and sometimes, like I said, the reasons can be so nuanced or complex that it can be hard to unravel. Or sometimes, when a person is done they are done.