Staying at a friends house - it’s filthy

[Wellthisisshitty]

We are driving across the country for a short trip and a friend who I’ve not seen in a few years asked if we’d like to come and stay to break up the journey there. Her husband is away for work for a few days, mine is at home working so it was a no brainer.

We used to live in the same area, both moved away a few years ago so I jumped at it. Thought it would be lovely to spend the day/night with her and her children, all same age as mine, older two went to school together when they were small.

We arrived an hour ago and I could cry. It’s like something out of those hoarders programs and it honestly smells like something has died in here. The smell hit me as soon as she opened the door and it got worse as I headed to the kitchen/bathroom. The sofas are encrusted with food/first and covered with clothes, food, toys. Flies everywhere, cat shit overflowing litter trays.

Shes given me and my toddler her room for the night, just put our bags up there and you can’t even walk to the bed. Shit all over the bed and the floor and god, the smell. Bathrooms are piled high. my other children are supposed to be sleeping in her children’s rooms but again, piled high.

I feel awful saying this, but I don’t know if I can stay here. She said she would cook, but I am standing in her kitchen and there is just mould on everything. I’m sticking taking us all out to a carvery on my credit card as a thank you, I can’t eat here.

I don’t care if I sound awful by the way. It’s not just a bit of dirt and mess.

Ahh agree. And FWIW OP you sound like a good friend. I hope it all works out

Actually. She's got a point. Good luck op. x

Christ, sounds awfully like someone I know. I've never been to her house but have heard from mutual friend that they were considering involving SS.

Does her name begin with an A?

You've handled it perfectly OP.

Sit her down alone on neutral territory. Friend, how's life in general, are you coping? Listen carefully, she may volunteer acknowledgement, even relief that the topic is on the table. Emphasize you don't want to judge but to help, in whatever limited way you can.

I had to stop going to someone’s house when I couldn’t make myself use the bathroom or want to drink out of their cups.
well done to your DH and you for not staying, no idea how you broach it when you leave

It would be interesting to see what it’s like when the Dh is home. Obviously mess and smell like that doesn’t come about after a couple of days but I wonder if he sees it?

My late dad was like this - house that looked like it had been burgled, never cleaned, toilets in disgusting state, dogs' bowl literally welded to the floor with ancient food and actual pet faeces on the floor. He was a consultant anaesthetist at a major hospital. He did struggle with severe depression, but I don't think that was actually the reason the house was a complete dump, I think he just didn't see the state of it. I stopped staying with him as soon as I was old enough to say no, because I just couldn't stand it. Felt sorry for my half brother and sister, wo grew up in that dump, but they've both turned out relatively normal.

I don't think I ever broached the subject of his house with him. I'm not sure I'd have got through tbh.

Doctors? They must be able to rustle up enough money for a cleaner then, especially if they can afford nice clothes and holidays.

You know what the worst house I have ever seen in real life was my parents neighbours. The wife was a sistor in A&E, but you needed to wipe your feet on the way out the house as the carpets where so crunchy. I don't think they had seen a hover in years, there was nothing wrong with either of the parents they just never did any cleaning. I was only a child a the time and didn't realise it is a form of child neglect until I was older. To this day I don't know why no one ever reported them, all the neighbours new, the poor children who had to live in that house they could never have friends over.

I love reading stories like this - tight-fisted people who can't spare 20p on a B&B or a hostel even, getting their just desserts. 'Oh, but I wanted to catch up with a friend' - yeah, right, there are cafes and restaurants for that.

I’m glad you managed to make an excuse and leave. I mean I’ve been to some less desirable houses in my time, but nothing like what you describe.
Maybe I’d speak to your friend after your holiday and tell the truth then - it’s the fa t she’s got kids there.

Wtf?!

Ignore my msg I tagged the wrong person

Sorry I mean this one! Are you in the right thread?

@ArnottL pray do tell of these hostels etc for 20p? 🤣

You’ve handled it well OP. All these people saying they would broach it with the friend are being ridiculous, if you see each other every couple of years it’s not worth it. How on earth would you start a conversation where you’re essentially saying ‘your house is so vile I can’t stay here’. Stay friends, enjoy the time together and say cheerio. It’s not your place to tell a doctor she needs to empty the cat shit from the litter tray.

Agree @Wellthisisshitty I’d get this deleted as well …

what relevance is that she is a doctor?? this kind of crap is why we have power imbalances and people don't challenge those in authority.

Glad you got sorted. I once stayed in a friend's house a bit like this. No animals but filthy, never cleaned, toilet like the one in Trainspotting. I got a nasty bite from some bug. Cat shit lying around is toxic, especially with little children. Her poor kids.

You handled it well saying mixed date of booking

I had a similar experience with someone I knew: her and her husband were topflight professionals, real high achievers and their home was as described by OP. For a minute I thought it might be the same people until she said they were doctors. I couldn't believe that my friend sat down with me and talked as though nothing was amiss. It is so strange. I can't imagine spending a night in such a home. So sad, really.

Oh, and someone (not me but another friend) called social services in but the social worker sat with her and had a lovely chat and did absolutely nothing about it. My friend totally charmed her with her class and intelligence that the SW overlooked the state of the house and the unkempt and neglected kids who lived there.

I have seen family support workers over ruled many times by so called professionals, and it usually hasn't ended well for the children involved. Really angers me.

Ah I hope your friend isn't on here

Deleted: accidents posted hours after I wrote the post, and now irrelevant as the OP has sorted it!

Well done OP!